freedom...

Krystyna Zuzanna Schwartz

Thursday, September 20, 1945 - Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Afterglow

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one,

I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.

I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,

of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.

I'd the tears of those who grieveto dry before the sun

of happy memories that I leave when the life we know is done.

On Tuesday, May 8th, just before midnight, my mom passed peacefully in her sleep. In her final moment she did not struggle, she simply... let go. I was able to be at her side... for nearly every moment of every day of the last three weeks, and in the final moment as well. She had endured a very difficult weekend, before moving into a relatively deep sleep on Sunday, a few brief awakenings on Sunday evening and night, and then an even deeper sleep on Monday morning which took her deeper into all that is unknown to us living here in our bodies. I spent most of Tuesday sitting quietly with her... talking, reflecting, enjoying and absorbing the silence. I knew we were getting close to the end, but I also was no longer certain when that would actualize. I cried (a lot!), as I moved through a myriad of emotions and enjoyed the stillness of this time. My mom was not communicating anymore, verbally or otherwise, yet she was present. She was stoic and strong to the final moment. And while her body could not hold her spirit any more, she stayed engaged for as long as she possibly could... knowing the end was close, and yet hopeful for all the dreams still to come. In the final moments I asked my dad to help her find her way... and I believe that he did.

In the silence after my mother flew away from her body, I realized even more deeply the gift she had given me in these days and weeks leading up to this moment. Rather than feeling engulfed in grief, I felt a sense of peace, and relief... knowing that she was free from the burden and pain of her body, and lifted to a lighter place to be all that she could be.

The day prior to her passing one of the hospice staff came to do therapeutic touch and found my mom's energy expanding throughout the room... she was starting to take up her space in it's rightful size. A few days prior to this I shared with my mom a story of two women who had experiences of 'dying' and both recalled looking back at their body and wondering how they could ever fit into something so small.

I know that there is still much grief to come as I absorb the loss of my mother... yet I am filled with gratitude for the time I shared with her, as well as all the blessings that have come into my life through this journey, this experience of total expansion. She spent her time growing her wings... and on Tuesday night she spread them wide and flew.

I read a quote today that I feel summarizes very well the message my mom would wish to send to each one of you, and I share it below...

When I come to the end of the road and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room. Why cry for a soul set free!
Miss me a little, bur not too long, and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared, miss me but let me go.
For this journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It's all part of the Master plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go. 

In the weeks prior to 'going home' my mom often said, "It's okay, I am just going on a trip. I feel bad for all the people I am leaving behind. It will be hard for you, for them." And so it goes, as we all grieve the loss of a beautiful woman who always aimed to inspire the best in others, and tried to be the best in herself. While right now I feel a sense of peace, I know that my greater grief still lies ahead as I face days and months and years without having my mom to turn to, to talk to, to walk with... and yet, somehow, i feel as if she will always be with me. So for now, I keep putting one foot in front of the other... grateful for today, grateful for the love of the people around me, grateful for life.

And as I look back on the last three months, and look forward to what is ahead... i am vividly reminded of one thing and that is simply to be grateful for this moment just as it is, for there will not be another like it again.

Celebration of Life

Saturday May 12th, 2012

2-5pm

Mass will begin at 2pm at the St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church, Toronto, ON, Canada. A gathering of family and friend will follow immediately after the service.

"Go slow and be kind to yourself" ~ Father Daniel Callaghan

on May 1st, 2012 she would have been 92...

Today in Poland, just outside of Warsaw, there was a beautiful, intimate funeral for my grandmother, Halina Maksalon (Witkowska): mama of my father (who died of cancer in 1994 at age 48).
My grandmother died on Saturday, April 7th at age 91. I received the news from my dear cousin Monika, as she recounted that Bunia (our grandmother) passed away peacefully just one hour after she and Bartek (her brother, my cousin) went to visit her. She said: "It was as if she was waiting to say goodbye." And then she reflected, "Now she is finally at peace, together again with her three sons and her husband." My grandmother outlived them all.

Halina Maksalon, "Bronisławów" Chojnów, 1941

She was a brilliant woman. She studied mathematics in university prior to the war... which changed everything, or so recounted her best friend Krysia (who she has known since first grade and despite the years and geographic distance they remained close). Her reflection spoke to the broken dreams and halted opportunities that changed the lives of so many.

Years later my grandmother met a handsome Colonel, they married and had three boys. My father was the oldest. His younger brother, Marek, only lived to be seven years old. He hit his head playing at kindergarden. At first there appeared to be no mark, but after some time they realized that it had caused a cerebral contusion: bruising inside of the brain tissue. My father had one more brother, Piotrek: he was the father of my cousins Bartek and Monika. Both my father and his brother Piotrek died in their 48th year of life... my father of cancer, and my uncle of a fatal car accident. Despite the tragedy of losing all three of her sons, my grandmother always managed to keep a smile on her face. She approached each day with incredible energy. And she definitely lived a very full life... even if she lived a good deal of it in her imagination as she grew older. Initially, my cousins did not have the heart to tell my grandmother that her youngest son passed away... and so they told her he moved to live with me in Canada. So, each time she and I spoke she would tell me how happy she was that Piotrek was with us and that he had always dreamed of building a life in Canada. My grandmother never cared much for the superficial things in life. She always took each day by storm. We would often joke that she was could stop a truck with her eyes: as she would navigate the streets of Warsaw jay-walking at every opportunity never once worried... and somehow cars and buses would always stop for her. She spoke several languages, but her favourite was always French... and she would often switch between French and Polish when speaking with me (not realizing that her French was far superior to mine!!!). Not to mention she always corrected my grammar in Polish whenever I would write her letters... she always had something to teach.

My grandmother loved life... and she loved her children. She was strong and adventurous. As she got older her imagination and reality melted into each other and she often did not discern between the two; though she spoke about her memories and experiences with such zest that you were certain it must all be true, and perhaps it was. As I reflect on how easily she drifted into her self-created reality, I realize that it was an amazing tool that gave her the courage to keep moving forward, despite the pain in her heart, with a smile on her face... for her, there was no other way.

I found it particularly beautiful that she passed away on Easter weekend and the start of Passover... something quite symbolic that Passover commemorates the story of Exodus, in which the ancient Israelites were freed from slavery in Egypt. Meanwhile Easter symbolizes a different kind of freedom as  it celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ. In a way, I suppose my grandmother found her own freedom as she left her earthly body... perhaps indeed to reunite with her children. I am also moved that her funeral was held today... Friday April 13th... as my father was born on the 13th and we have always celebrated the 13th as a lucky day and number.

Babciu,
Abyś miała pokój w swoim sercu, pokój w swoim duchu, i pokój w twoich maźeniach. Miałaś piękne życie ... i wszystko czym jesteśmy to po części ze względu na ciebie. Jesteś naszym dziedzictwem. A teraz jesteśmy kontynuacją. Kochamy ciębie i źegnamy się z tobą z sercem otwartym.
Patrycja, Isabel, Anaïs, Leo

My grandmother with my father, c. 1949

Halina & Antoni Marian Maksalon, c. 1945

My grandmother & grandfather with me (patrycja), Jastrzębia Góra, Poland, June 15, 1976

Proud parents with my father, Bohdan Jan Maksalon, June 1948, Poland.
Notice the camera around his neck... i come by my passions honestly
(my grandfather on my mom's side was also a photographer)

Hiking in the woods... my grandmother with my dad and a friend

Love this photo of my grandma with my dad, Lódź, Poland, 1947

My grandma with my dad (again), April, Lódź, 1947.
Exactly 65 years ago.

notice the kippah
i have one exactly like this of my grandfather... must find it!!!

Brothers playing...
my dad and his younger brother Marek loved to climb trees.

Settling into routine... again

It's taking time, but we are easing into a routine that makes home feel safe again. The kids are feeling more confident that I won't just suddenly disappear again. Though any mention of me going away is strictly forbidden. We are working on it as I know I will need to plan another trip to visit my mom in the near future...

Leo and his big blue eyes

Happy sisters... always playing

Isabel Chloe

Anaïs María

reunited...

Returning home after three weeks away from my little angels was exhilarating... again the tears flowed without end as I was engulfed in the joy of seeing their faces and feeling their cuddles. The initial moments were as unique as each one of them... I am so glad to be home!!! 

Adventures into the unknown...

I have heard Malta is a beautiful place... or so I have heard. My journey to this country did not allow much time for visits or exploration. Instead, I went to Malta after finding out my mother was rushed to hospital and required emergency surgery for a bowel obstruction.

Immediately I reached out to my circle of friends, and they further reached out to theirs... and within hours (literally), i was connected with individuals that would become my angels on earth for over two weeks as i left my husband and children to be with my mother.

The departure from Bogota was extremely difficult as I prepared myself for the unknown. We immersed ourselves into celebrating each moment as a family and enjoying the magic of each other. As soon as I moved into the elevator i was flooded with tears that would not stop... and that did not stop, and that in some ways perhaps may never stop. The moment was life changing as my life seemed to uproot before my eyes. yet the path was clear, i needed to be with my mother and that is where I was going to be.

Thanks to the help of dear friends i found a very good connection via Frankfurt and managed to arrive in Malta within two days of travel. I arrived in the middle of the night and was greeted by a lovely taxi driver who took me to a hotel. The night manager was waiting for me and led me to my room... which was prepared with truffles and wine (not that i could even contemplate drinking, but what a lovely gesture). These acts of kindness were those of the CEO of the hotel who reached out to embrace me into his community during this difficult time. The following morning he set time aside to introduce me to my first 'friends' in malta: Dorien and Kirsty. They took me to the hospital where i was able to see my mom. From that moment on I was with my mom as she worked on her recovery from the surgery. It had been a major surgery with some complications, but everything seemed to finish successfully.

The time in Malta was riddled with adventures that I hope to have time to fully describe and write about in the future. Above all, it was a time riddled with emotional extremes as I processed being in an unknown place, away from my home, my husband, my children... yet near my mother sharing beautiful moments, while at the same time watching her struggle to regain her strength and accept new challenges her body was presenting with.

About a week in, we learned that my mom was diagnosed with cancer of the colon. The diagnosis seemed unclear at this point and we were full of hope that the surgical procedure had removed the cancer. The coming days proved more hazy as the oncology reports came in indicating aggressive cancer cells and possible metastasis into the lymphatic system. Though we remained optimistic and my mother was determined that the 'name' of this disease would not claim her spirit.

We talked, we laughed, we shared... i cried... missing my kids, missing Joshua, trying to grasp how i found myself so many miles from my home. My time was also riddled with bureaucratic details from dealing with the hospital care, to insurance drama (have you heard of 'pre-existing conditions'... well, since my mom was diagnosed with cancer, the company is leaning on 'pre-existing symptoms'... a very painful process having to deal with the drama of feeling as if the job of the insurance company was NOT to help bring my mom back to Canada, but instead to figure out how NOT to pay the claim). As well as still dealing with legal issues related to the dear Mr. JW. Oh the joys of all these matters at a time when none of them seem to matter at all?!?

Through it all, I felt incredibly 'held and protected' by a community of 'strangers' that became instant fixtures in my heart. The blessing of these individuals is the gift that I take away from this adventure. A gift that will be for my lifetime. the 'strangers' invited me to their homes, fed me, listened to me, supported me, and helped me navigate unknown territories with incredible guidance and clarity. They truly were my angels on earth at a time when i needed to be carried.

The view from my mom's room at St. James Hospital

Munia looking out at the ocean... sharing time together was precious to me

The view from the hospital hallway

A double rainbow (full from end to end)
appeared in my mom's hospital room window
the day before we began our trip back to Canada.

I was taking this photo through a window and
could not quite capture the entire rainbow end to end...
but you get a good idea of how spectacular it was.

In the end, I had to coordinate the departure from Malta myself as the Insurance company refused to pay the claim due to 'pre-existing symptoms'. Just imagine, on top of getting the diagnosis of cancer, you also get a medical bill that is beyond comprehension. The fact that her family physician encouraged her to go on vacation claiming her symptoms were due to stress did not seem to influence the situation.

Though i suppose it is not important how things sort out, what is important is that we go home.

My deepest gratitude to all the 'angels' who have helped me on this path... you have entered my life at a moment when i did not even know where to turn, and embraced me without hesitation or reservation. I cannot even begin to express the extent of my thanks.

Anaïs is three!!!

This year Anaïs turned three on February 10th. We had been planning a very exciting birthday celebration with a few close friends (all guests selected by Anaïs herself)... and the guest list included first and foremost (well following her sister, her brother and mom and dad) none other than Minnie Mouse. A few surprising turns in our life meant we had to cancel the official birthday party (for which we were planning to have my mom here). However, as I would have to be leaving for an unknown length of time on the evening of Anaïs's birthday, we still wanted to make sure that we made the celebration extra special for our birthday girl. So we arranged for a few special surprises... after all, a girl only turns three once!!!

check out how she is holding her right hand with the three fingers ready...

The first was a trampoline

which both Leo and Anaïs starting jumping on together.

This is Anaïs hiding in her sisters arms as she waits for surprise #2.

Isabel was not even momentarily shy as Minnie Mouse entered the house.

The girls took Minnie for a tour around the house
and then they all danced (though first minnie did her special dance)

Our gorgeous three year old!!!

my girls!!!

Three years ago this little monkey came into the world right on time (five minutes after papa walked in the door after a very stressful flight back to Bogotá from Medellin). Today she turns three and continues to be pure sunshine (with fewer and fewer bouts of thunder). She has a personality to be reckoned with... and can charm her way to eating many cookies a day... her first word in both english and spanish, and continues to be her favourite treat. She talks and holds herself with tremendous confidence and inspires magic all around her. Happy Birthday Anaïs!!! Keep growing into the phenomenal human being that you are.

Christmas Holidays in Canada

We spent a magical couple weeks in Canada... playing in the snow, enjoying the cold and sharing time with friends. Isabel went skiing for the first time and all the kids enjoyed eating snow. Christmas with Nana and Jid'do was over the top with gifts and delicious food. Followed by a quieter week with Budi in Toronto. It was busy and full, with little time for photography. But here is a little peek into some of our memories.

Isabel's first ski!!!
She went down the big hill three times
after one morning of practice on the bunny slope.

Leo all bundled up

family time

christmas morning

Leo with great grandma edna

leo climbing stairs

eating snow... anaïs and julia

isabel and sofia

ela

leo and domenic

alissandra and leo