"If you want to achieve anything in life, you have to act without any fear of gain or loss." - Yogi Bhajan
Through my children, I learn to be more present, more engaged, more authentic, more patient, more joyful, and more confident. I learn to believe in magic and appreciate the moon all over again. Through my husband, I learn about true love, dedication, honesty, honour, and strength. Through my friends, I learn about courage, harmony, balance, lightness of being, and 'stepping out of my comfort zone'. Through my extended family, I learn about the ability of the heart to transcend geographic distance, and the immense value of sharing (and creating) traditions. Through life, I learn that things don't always go as we expect them to... and it is often when they most surprise us that we have the opportunity to learn and grow in beautiful and truly unexpected ways.
Over time I have learned that fear holds us back, that anger is futile, that the best way to move ahead is to let go and let be. Yet despite being very cognizant of these lessons, the connection between reality and thought, between action and understanding, between acceptance and awareness are not always as easy to manifest in every day life. Certainly as I reflect on the last year, in particular the situation my mother has had to deal with through the fall out of the disintegration of her marriage, I have found it difficult to always stay above the anger, the sense of disillusion, the frustration, and even the fear as I reflect on my mom's financial future. I am slowly coming to accept that this truly has been a liberating process... that we have been hurt and betrayed, but that it is time to move on and let go. I write this with a bit of a smile, because it still feels far easier said than done. Yet I am slowly starting to feel stronger... and I am able to put my faith in the universe in a more authentic way than before.
For a long time I felt myself stumbling between wondering what I could/should do, versus what was out of my own hands. I recited the serenity prayer constantly, yet continued to feel at a loss. My body sent me warning signs showing me just how deeply this situation was affecting me. As I look back, I am not surprised that I ended up in the hospital with a severe skin infection... under my skin, ready to attack my nervous system. As I tried to keep my feelings of betrayal at bay, my body was held as the battleground for my deep pain and broken heart.
Even more poignant was an interesting water cyst that developed on my right knee. Ironically, the water in my knee appeared (without any warning) the day that I learned that the law could not protect my mother financially. It was back in May, and until this point the one piece of 'advice' and 'knowledge' that I kept holding on to was the fact that this had to work out in my mom's favour as she was clearly being taken advantage of. Suddenly, it was as if the earth was dropped from beneath our feet (or that our feet were cut off at the knees). For months I was visiting various doctors, all of whom kept telling me that I must have seriously banged/hit/injured my knee. And the only solution was surgery to remove the water/cyst that had developed from the trauma.
Suddenly I had a moment of insight, there had been a trauma, but it was not a physical one... rather, the trauma was emotional. I felt completely let down by the legal system. And as I started to dig deeper, I began to understand the deep physical manifestations that were occurring as a result of this situation. As I tried to keep a strong, peaceful expression and embrace a level of understanding for the situation. As I tried to keep a place in my heart that was full of compassion for a man who I accepted as a father for the last twelve years of my life, and even more importantly as a grandfather to my children. As I tried to embrace the theory of non-attachment... the actual emotions of anger, fear and betrayal came out through ailments in my body. So, I guess it's all more complicated. Or perhaps all the more simple. The feelings are real, and it is okay to feel them, to express them, even to dwell in them for a time. And only after we experience them, can we let them go... so they do not move 'under our skin' and hide in our bodies only to show themselves again in the future. Though I am quite amazed at how powerfully the emotional manifests itself into the physical.
I am trying to do better to pay attention to the messages my body is sending... and to use constructive ways to express the feelings that are hiding under the surface... like writing, like yoga, like photography, like dance... like enjoying time with my kids, but also allowing space for my sadness.
Of course, it has not helped being on an emotional roller coaster through the process. Each time I think I am finding a sense of balance a new 'surprise' pops up around the corner that throws me off my track.
This man basically evicted us from his life. He left behind shadows that could only be seen as calculated and premeditated acts of harm. He made no tangible efforts of humane contact. Yet for months I continued to seek out reasons to understand his behavior. I believed he must have a reason that I simply could not understand. I believed at his core there was good. And then he read the story in which I expressed my pain and sadness. He replied by
with a letter from his lawyer threatening to sue me for defamation of character. There was no personal contact. There was no attempt to engage a human conversation. There were only threats. I felt sad and angry and hurt all over again. But with some reflection I suddenly felt a sense of freedom. I had been carrying with me affection and compassion for this man. I had been desperately trying to defend his actions. And for the first time I understood that my attempts were futile. I was searching through an empty box that had been disguised in pretty papers and pretty ribbons... but now i see that despite the wrapping, the inside is empty. I suppose this journey truly is challenging me to find my way in unexpected and unanticipated territory.
I have had one more deep realization... and this one is helping me heal my knee (hopefully without surgery). As I move through the feelings of betrayal by a man I still feel affection for, I am also experiencing incredible feelings of helplessness. They are in part shaped by the knowledge that this is a complicated process as it moves through the legal system, and there is (sadly) not much I can do to change or influence the outcome (other than pray). This feeling of helplessness in large part relates to my own father. I feel that I cannot protect his final wishes. I am helpless in being able to change the current events, or to undo the 'trust' of the past. I keep returning to the last night my father was alive... he had a dream that he shared with me and my mom as he danced between life and death. He said he was on a small boat and he was filling it up with fish. The fish were for us. In the distance, there was another ship and it was asking him to come on to it. He knew he had to go, but he couldn't leave... he wanted to make sure there were enough fish for us. He had worked his entire life to provide for his family. He worked his own body into the ground. And he left a legacy... creating a safety net of financial stability and emotional courage for his wife and daughter. I am left feeling helpless that I cannot protect this legacy by somehow finding a way to protect my mom's financial future.
