Many of you have asked about resources and references for things related to birth preparation, cloth diapers, baby carriers and so forth. So, I am going to try to put together a list that will likely change and grow as time goes by... but at least it will be a start. For those of you preparing for your first child, the focus of your research is likely being placed on the pregnancy and the labour. Very few of us actually start to prepare for parenthood until the baby arrives. I break things down into three sections: i. pregnancy & labour; ii. parenting; iii. cloth diapers, slings and other things.
Pregnancy and Labour...
Being that a great deal of my tools for being a parent come from Yoga, one of my favourite pregnancy books is Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful (by Gurmukh). The title itself describes some of the magic of being pregnant. Of course, pregnancy (like parenthood) is not without its challenges and every body faces it differently. I have been blessed with quite wonderful pregnancies where I could enjoy practicing yoga and being active throughout the entire nine months. I definitely found that many times it was a matter of sheer will... especially during those early months when I was constantly plagued with nausea and determined not to throw up. Most of the time I would take the messages my body was sending to me as a sign that I need to slow down and take a moment just for me. I had a series of deep breathing exercises and stretches that I would do to conquer the various aches and pains my body was lighting up for me. I would always feel positive about the different changes my body went through because I saw them as a way that the baby and my body were communicating with me. For me, pregnancy has been a time of deep connection to my sense of self and to the boundless support the universe offers to us.
Of course, trying to listen to my body, and actually take action on the message sent, with a young and very active toddler around was much more difficult endeavour... so while the tools I used remained the same, the actual practices differed. I did less active yoga on my own, and instead tried to engage in yoga with Isabel; I couldn't always (or even often) just pause to take a moment for myself, so instead I would focus on my breath and being present in the now (an amazing exercise in mental clarity when feeling the ails pregnancy can brighten and the demands of my daughter).
The tools I had through my yoga practice took on a versatility that I never expected... I did not need a quiet room or incense or staying focused on one particular posture... instead I was able to bring the postures and breathing and meditation into my everyday life. I would do a variation of warrior pose while lifting Isabel up on to a slide, I would do a flow dancer while pushing Isabel on a swing... and never forget about my breath. The force of this is boundless... just as the love for our children... though sometimes i needed to remind myself to also direct some of this love for myself (it's easy to lose oneself when another human always comes first).
In preparing for the actual labour/birth, there are two resources that really made a magnificent difference for me with the second baby. The first was a book called Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method (you can learn more at http://www.hypnobirthing.com/). The name of this book does not, for me, accurately capture the process... but the lessons I took from it were both reinforcing and liberating as a prepared for the birth of Anaïs. I felt so empowered. I already knew that labour and birth could be natural and experienced without fear, but this book offered me the evidence and the tools to actually bring my mind and my body in sync about what I was looking forward to. So much of the experience is riddled up with our expectations, and the many fears that are in place around labour in our society. I definitely believe that in some circumstances the support we have from the medical community is invaluable and most necessary... it is a very personal experience and unique to every body, woman and child. However, if there are no complications, the experience of a natural home birth is the most amazing thing... it is truly indescribable.
The second resource that I found useful was learning more about water births (http://www.waterbirth.org/mc/page.do). Again, I am a big believer that the choices we make for our bodies... for our birth, labour, diet, and so forth... are extremely personal. So, while these two resources were brilliant for me, the most important lesson I gained from both is to listen to my body and trust my instinct. I did not follow every single technique outlined, but rather learned to tune out the 'external voices' and 'internal battles' and tune into that inner strength that knew the way and trusted that the baby also knew her way. I looked towards the labour as a partnership... a journey shared by me and the baby. And so I share these resources in case they might also resonate for you (or others) in your preparations. Remembering always that this is your personal adventure to ride as you believe is best for your body and your child. That is really the most important message when preparing for birth... so often we get lost in the expectations and the way things are done... without asking why and whether this is really the best route for us.
Trusting myself led me through an amazing pregnancy and a relatively pain-free labour... the most challenging moment for me was knowing that Anaïs was ready to make her entrance and allowing my breath to slow down the process just long enough for papa to be there to greet his daughter. The rest of the time I was able to enjoy a magical time experiencing the intensity of Anaïs getting ready to leave my body and enter the world, and at the same time allowing my daughter Isabel to share in this without fear. It is something I will always treasure.
On Parenting...
Now, if only I felt the same kind of confidence when it comes to actually being a parent. Those social pressures and internal battles are so much harder to tune out and can sometimes be so loud that it feels I am about to lose my mind. Thank goodness for the cleansing power of tears... I truly believe that crying is an important part of being a mom (and pregnancy prepares us for this by allowing us permission to cry). It's funny that both in pregnancy and motherhood (especially the early days) it is our hormones that are used as an excuse/reason for our tears... it is the hormones or lack of sleep that make us more sensitive. When in reality, allowing our emotions to be what they are - tears, fear, passion, dispair - is all part of the human experience. Giving space for these emotions to be expressed is a powerful tool that allows us to live in this very moment... whatever it may be. This is one of the things I am learning from Isabel: she is not shy to express herself -- her anger, her frustration, her pain, her sadness. Sometimes it is hard for us to give her the space and freedom for this expression... yet when we do, she moves through it and moves on. And through it all, there is always love. But, I digress, the reality is that when it comes to parenting there are few books/resources that are more powerful than our own voices.
My greatest recommendation is to suggest reading material that allows you/us as parents to find our own inner strength and trust that inner instinct, and try as best we can not to sweat the small stuff.
When it comes to sleep there is one book that I really enjoyed (and with a girl who still wakes up regularly at 2.5years, i have read them all and tried every tactic out there... believe me!!). The book that resonated for me is called the no-cry sleep solution (by Elizabeth Pantley). I have friends who have sworn by the Baby Whisperer, The Lull-a-bye sleep plan, The Sleep Baby Book, and so on and so forth. None of them worked for us... but again, sleep, like so much of our personality, is unique to each person (and each child and parent). Think about the people around you... do they all have the same sleeping patterns/routines. It may be true that a routine can make building good sleep habits easier for some children... but talking to many parents who have tried many techniques (and my own experience with my girls) there is no one answer that works for everybody. Some kids (as adults) are fabulous sleepers... and some are not. And while I too fall victim to the self-doubt and judgement, how your baby sleeps is not your fault. And the choices you make as a parent are the best ones for you and your baby... whether that is routine, tears, bedsharing, rocking and so forth. You need to choose the route the works for you and your child(ren). There are no easy recipes for sleep, just as there are no easy recipes for being the perfect parent. And, as one of my good friends has pointed out to me -- when she travels to Durban the moms/communities in Africa are amazed and shocked to hear that we would leave our kids to sleep in another room. When I think about the reality of sleep around the world, I am quickly brought to the realization that so much of our ideas about sleep are based upon social norms and expectations -- and not necessarily reality or what is best for us or our children. If we can break through the social pressures, perhaps we can actually enjoy whatever patterns work best for our individual families. Moving on to the many other challenges of parenthood... which seems to move from one lesson to another whether it be about getting to sleep, eating, manners, studying, curfews, friends, moving out, waking up and the list goes on.
Above all else, I do believe that our children teach us far more than we ever teach them - so long as we are open to the opportunity for learning and growth. Despite the tears and fears, becoming a parent has allowed me to challenge myself to be a more patient, kind, empathetic and real human being - riddled with flaws and perfections.*
A sample of books that have helped me along the way include:
- The Baby Book (by William and Martha Sears): an excellent resource for the first year of life with baby
- Itsy Bitsy Yoga (by Helen Garabedian): it is filled with fun exercises you can do with your child from newborn to toddler hood
- Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves (by Naomi Aldort): a very interesting read that challenges our preconceived notions and social expectations about parenthood, learning and relationships -
- Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (by Alfie Kohn): another interesting alternative to how we think about raising our kids into genuine adults. Check out http://www.unconditionalparenting.com/
- the art of motherhood (by Susannah Marriott): a wonderful little bedside book filled with quotations and inspirations
Cloth diapers, slings & other things...
The photo at the top of this entry shows Anaïs wearing a beautiful green shirt that reads: make a difference - be organic! I do believe the the choices we make each and every day make a difference... whether they be small or big. As with most things, they need not be exclusive: the key is making conscious and concientious decisions. Afterall, we teach our kids most not when we lecture them or put them in a naughty chair... but simply by living. It is in our actions and behaviours that our children gain the greatest lessons... why else do we all become so much like our parents. The lesson for us is to live as we want our children to be, and not talk the talk without walking the walk. It seems simple, but the concept is bold. For us, this has meant that we eat a vegetarian diet, we use primarily cloth diapers, and we spend as much time with our kids as we can. Of course, having the most amazing husband and father as a partner makes all of this much easier. For it does take a village to raise a child, and in the least, it takes a good partnership. I am in awe and amazement at the fabulous job single moms (and dads) do when raising kids. It is an effort beyond my comprehension.
For cloth diapers, there are many, many options and like everything else the choice of what you use is personal and depends on works best for your child. For me, I have found that the old-fashioned organic cotton pre-folds with a good cover work best. For those of you living in Ottawa, the Extraordinary BabyShoppe (http://www.extraordinarybabyshoppe.com/) is an excellent resource for cloth diapers. For those of you who want to learn more about various options and get some good information on-line about cloth diapers, check out Parenting by Nature (http://www.parentingbynature.com/), and follow the link to cloth diapers.
Now, some of you may also be on the fence about switching to cloth... the decision may seem overwhelming given your lifestyle or own personal choices. As such, there is another alternative that tries to find a middle-ground. These are gDiapers -- they use a cloth cover and disposable (in fact, flushable) insert. Check out their website at http://www.gdiapers.com/ to learn more about this option. If you enjoy it and are eager to do away with the disposable insert, then you can use the covers with a cloth insert... moving in baby steps from landfills to a cleaner earth. gDiapers are sold everywhere in the US, and starting to make their way into the Canadian market at certain speciality stores.
We also decided to engage in early potty training with Isabel and this was fabulous. Whatever you call it - elimination communication, diaper-free, etc - the process takes time no matter when you begin. What was most amazing about it for me is learning the cues from my daughter about when she needed to go to the bathroom. It also made me much more attune to understanding when she might be undergoing pain/discomfort with her bowel movements. As a new mom I was pretty overwhelmed by this idea and did not attempt to begin the process until Isabel was about seven or eight months. By the time Isabel was ten months she was telling me when she needed to go potty, and her diapers were no longer being filled with poops (though she still needed them for pee-pee).
There are a few great resources that helped me get comfortable with this process:
- Diaper Free: The gentle wisdom of natural infant hygiene (by Ingrid Bauer)
- DiaperFreeBaby (http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/) -- a good website with some of the basic info about how this can be done
- Diaper Free Baby (by Christine Gross- Loh) -- another good book and website (http://www.thediaperfreebaby.com/)
In regards to slings, there are more out there than an entire village could use in a lifetime (just type 'baby carrier' or 'baby sling' into google and you will find an overwhelming selection). For people who use them, almost everyone has a preference (i certainly do). And then some folks never really get into wearing their babies for a variety of reasons. Like everything else, it is often about getting what fits for you and your child. For me, slings have been indispensable -- my first daughter had colic and wearing her was a lifesaver; my second daughter gets a lot of air when nursing and needs to be in an upright position for more than an hour after each feed (so again, the sling saves me and allows me the ability to still engage with my older girl while the wee one sleeps in the sling). In general, slings can be divided into three categories: i. wraps (stretch, woven or combination), ii. structured soft carriers, and iii. pouches (either pocket pouches fit to size or adjustable ring slings).
My preferences for slings varied by the age of my children -- in the early months, a stretchy wrap is my ultimate favourite. It is cozy for baby, and extremely comfortable for me when carrying for extended periods of time. There are many different brands offering more/less stretch. The general idea is that it is a long piece of material wrapped around your body in a specific way that holds the baby close to you and distributes the weight so you are not straining your back and your arms are free. The cuddlywrap is a good example of a stretchy wrap: http://www.peapodcreations.ca/; and I have a soft spot for the Moby (http://www.mobywrap.com/). If you find the long stretchy wrap too frustrating to use, there are alternatives that give you most of the benefits of the wrap, without having to figure out the maze of putting it on. Though, I would suggest that learning to tie a wrap is like learning to tie a tie... it seems tricky at first, but once you have done it a few times it is a breeze. However, the other option is a stretch sling that mimics the long wrap by having three pieces - two pocket wraps and a longer wrap. The final fit is similar to a stretchy wrap, but some people find it much easier to manoeuvre. Two examples of this style are the Baby Buddha (http://www.babybuddha.ca/) and the Baby K'Tan (http://www.babyktan.com/). As the child gets older, and begins to weigh more, the stretchy wrap becomes less comfortable since the weight of the child pulls down on the fabric and puts more weight on the body of the person carrying. However, if you fall in love with the wrap, the storchenwiege is an example of a wrap that will last for a longer period (both in age of child and generations of wear) due to the fact that is has less stretch and a stronger weave, making it more versatile: http://www.storchenwiege.com/index.htm
For me, the long wrap style is ideal as it offers me the ability to have my hands free, while keeping baby close, and has the option of facing baby in or out (as they get older); and with the woven wrap, you can even carry the baby on your back. If you find the wrap too cumbersome, yet need to carry your baby a lot the the soft structured carrier such as a mei tai offers an easier alternative (though it does not work as well with newborns -- try a stretchy pocket/pouch sling instead). The BabyHawk Mei Tai is one of the most popular; and the Kozy Carrier is my favourite (http://kozycarrier.homestead.com/). I have a KOZY that i used with Isabel and now with Anaïs -- it is brilliant and can be used on back or front. I love how the body of this mei tai is a little bigger than others and really holds the baby inside... perfect for naps while taking a long walk!!
Another excellent carrier as the baby gets older is a more structured soft carrier that you can very easily use as a back-pack. The ErgoBaby (http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/) is a good example. I used my Ergo with Isabel (at 2.5 years and 25lbs) while I was nine months pregnant with Anaïs -- here in Bogota with the uneven pavement, it was much easier to put her in the Ergo than to try to push a stroller when going on longer walks. Another version of this more structured carrier is the Beco; some people prefer the design of this one. And, when you just want something easy that you can put in your bag: the pocket/pouch sling is my absolute favourite.
Many people prefer a ring sling which allows you to adjust the size of the pocket and the versatility for various people to use the same sling. A good option for a ring sling is the Maya lightly padded ring sling (http://www.mayawrap.com/). For me, the ease of a fitted pouch-style sling has been amazing. I wore Isabel in a pocket sling from the time she was two months until long past her first birthday. Again, there are hundreds out on the market and you need to try them on to find the right fit for you and your baby. They vary in style, pattern, stretch, etc. My two faves are Canadian-made: i. Hip Melon (http://www.hipmelon.com/), and ii. Gorgeous Baby (http://www.gorgeousbaby.ca/). The key with the pocket sling is that it must be the right fit -- too small and you will be uncomfortable; too large and your baby will be hanging out and you will strain your back.
Whatever you decide about slings here are two important pieces of advice:
1. Go to the store and try them on - each body and each baby requires a different fit. Understand also that your baby will prefer different slings/positions at different times of his/her first year. Whether to wear a sling, and what sling to wear is very personal (as are most parenting choices)!! Even with my two girls, I have found them to show preferences between the type of slings they prefer and the positions they enjoy to be carried in.
2. Go to a shop that specializes in slings so that you can get good advice on how to actually wear your baby and use your sling properly. If you are living in Ottawa, I would recommend Milkface (http://www.milkface.com/) for a wide selection (and excellent knowledge). I could not have survived without my slings with Isabel; and I would not be able to type this resource sheet without a sling... as Anaïs is currently sleeping cozy in her Sleepy Wrap (and sometimes in the Mei Tai).
Other things that I love...
- Nappy Rash Ointment by Matter Company: an amazing natural product for baby's bum (and anywhere else on their little bodies). In fact, I love almost all the products by Matter.
- Lunar Eclipse: Lunar Nursing Tea - exercise ball: amazing for soothing a child with gas/colic. The rhythmic motion is calming and it is also a relaxing for mom/dad/caregiver.
- Bumbo seat: terrific as a first potty - both Isabel and Anaïs found it the perfect seat to go poo. - Weleda tummy oil: wonderful for tummy massage
- Baby Beaver Massage Butter: love it!!! especially cuz it's not an oil but a butter that is easy to use with baby.
And, the most important resource that I would suggest to new moms (in fact, to all moms, dads and individuals) is to find support amongst friends and in your community. They do not always exist, and if not (and you are someone who likes to get things started) begin your own parent and baby groups/activities. Get out and spend time with other parents and you will find that no matter what expert-advice you might read along the way, everyone is struggling with the same questions and the same issues (or at least similar ones).
There are no miracle cures or recipes for being a good parent... there are just lived experiences of each family and individual. What works for one person may not work for another. And, if you have been blessed with a child that does not seem to match the mold of any of your friends... find parents that have more than one child. When Isabel was one and everyone around me seemed to have managed to get their kids to 'sleep through the night' and I was being inundated with both judgment and advice, a friend told me: "When I had my first child I thought I was the perfect parent and told everyone how it ought to be done... then I had my second daughter and realized it was all a fluke." So much depends on the individual child. Trust your instincts and have fun. While in the moment everything seems all consuming... but it all passes... the good and the bad. So enjoy it for what it is... the reality of becoming a parent, laced with the struggles and joys of learning. As you walk this path, allow your child to be your teacher... they will lead you to magical places if you just stop and listen. And when you find yourself in the dark moments... know that you are not alone (no matter how isolated you may feel). You are simply in the now.
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* this is not a typo. i do mean perfections. For as humans we are quick to find our imperfections, and often forget just how very perfect we truly are. Just as the words by Marianne Williamson (A Return to Love, p190 ~ Thanks to Noëlla for the reference) read... Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure! It is our Light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of the universe. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are born to manifest the glory of the universe that is within us. It is not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fears, Our presence automatically liberates others.
