Krystyna Zuzanna Schwartz
Thursday, September 20, 1945 - Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Afterglow
I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one,
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd the tears of those who grieveto dry before the sun
of happy memories that I leave when the life we know is done.
On Tuesday, May 8th, just before midnight, my mom passed peacefully in her sleep. In her final moment she did not struggle, she simply... let go. I was able to be at her side... for nearly every moment of every day of the last three weeks, and in the final moment as well. She had endured a very difficult weekend, before moving into a relatively deep sleep on Sunday, a few brief awakenings on Sunday evening and night, and then an even deeper sleep on Monday morning which took her deeper into all that is unknown to us living here in our bodies. I spent most of Tuesday sitting quietly with her... talking, reflecting, enjoying and absorbing the silence. I knew we were getting close to the end, but I also was no longer certain when that would actualize. I cried (a lot!), as I moved through a myriad of emotions and enjoyed the stillness of this time. My mom was not communicating anymore, verbally or otherwise, yet she was present. She was stoic and strong to the final moment. And while her body could not hold her spirit any more, she stayed engaged for as long as she possibly could... knowing the end was close, and yet hopeful for all the dreams still to come. In the final moments I asked my dad to help her find her way... and I believe that he did.
In the silence after my mother flew away from her body, I realized even more deeply the gift she had given me in these days and weeks leading up to this moment. Rather than feeling engulfed in grief, I felt a sense of peace, and relief... knowing that she was free from the burden and pain of her body, and lifted to a lighter place to be all that she could be.
The day prior to her passing one of the hospice staff came to do therapeutic touch and found my mom's energy expanding throughout the room... she was starting to take up her space in it's rightful size. A few days prior to this I shared with my mom a story of two women who had experiences of 'dying' and both recalled looking back at their body and wondering how they could ever fit into something so small.
I know that there is still much grief to come as I absorb the loss of my mother... yet I am filled with gratitude for the time I shared with her, as well as all the blessings that have come into my life through this journey, this experience of total expansion. She spent her time growing her wings... and on Tuesday night she spread them wide and flew.
I read a quote today that I feel summarizes very well the message my mom would wish to send to each one of you, and I share it below...
When I come to the end of the road and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room. Why cry for a soul set free!
Miss me a little, bur not too long, and not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared, miss me but let me go.
For this journey we all must take, and each must go alone.
It's all part of the Master plan, a step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know,
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me, but let me go.
In the weeks prior to 'going home' my mom often said, "It's okay, I am just going on a trip. I feel bad for all the people I am leaving behind. It will be hard for you, for them." And so it goes, as we all grieve the loss of a beautiful woman who always aimed to inspire the best in others, and tried to be the best in herself. While right now I feel a sense of peace, I know that my greater grief still lies ahead as I face days and months and years without having my mom to turn to, to talk to, to walk with... and yet, somehow, i feel as if she will always be with me. So for now, I keep putting one foot in front of the other... grateful for today, grateful for the love of the people around me, grateful for life.
And as I look back on the last three months, and look forward to what is ahead... i am vividly reminded of one thing and that is simply to be grateful for this moment just as it is, for there will not be another like it again.
Celebration of Life
Saturday May 12th, 2012
2-5pm
Mass will begin at 2pm at the St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church, Toronto, ON, Canada. A gathering of family and friend will follow immediately after the service.
"Go slow and be kind to yourself" ~ Father Daniel Callaghan
