A few days of relaxation...

With immense gratitude to Tony & Mary, we enjoyed a few amazingly calm days at Huyck's Point with my mom-in-law, my mom, Julian and my aunt. It was spectacular. The girls had a ball being spoiled by both their grandmothers who doted on them at each moment. There was so much laughter that my belly is still sore from the joy. It was wonderful to watch our children through the eyes of others (granted, still family, but once removed). To see how confident the girls are, and how comfortable in any situation, and so full of happiness which spills over as they talk and squeal and giggle. The days were complete with all the things that childhood memories are made of... watching frogs jump around, picking up snakes in the grass, feeding ground moles, chasing birds, splashing in the water and just being free.

Joshua and I were spoiled and even enjoyed a few relaxing moments in the sun by the water... going for a swim or putting our feet up. We felt totally pampered.

Isabel making friends with the snake

Anaïs getting ready to run in the grass!!

welcoming and grace...

May you fall in love with your beauty, your grace, your honour, your courage & your strength. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Friday, August 7th, 2009 ~ Today we shared a beautiful morning with family and friends as we held a private welcoming ceremony for Anaïs Maria. In true form, Anaïs showered guests with her smiles and seemed to know each step of the process better than we did. The ceremony was marked with a baptism at the Blessed Sacrament Church in Ottawa officiated by Father Joe -- just as the one we held for Isabel Chloe on September 9th, 2007. The godparents both read a beautiful dedication, and all of our family surrounded us in a semi-circle around the alter. Father Joe spoke beautifully about the opportunity that is presented to us to live out our lives to the best of our ability... with love, respect and faith. To believe that anything is possible. He reminded us that these celebrations and dedications are merely reminders to always guide us back to ourselves... to help us find our lifes path, our mission on this earth. Our roads may vary and our guides may too, but in our hearts we will always find the truth of who we are... and the universe will provide us with what we need to manifest our reality.

Following the official baptism, we shared a lovely lunch with friends and family at 'our old stomping grounds'.... that is, our house. It is currently being occupied by good friends, but they were going out of town to attend another welcoming ceremony. So, the space was 'ours for the weekend."

Thanks to all of our friends who shared in this special day with us... whether near or far, in person or in spirit... we felt the magic of your presence. We were surrounded by a sense of love, peace... and a knowledge that all is just as it is supposed to be... even if we do not understand each intricate detail... we trust and we live.

more photos of the welcoming are on the picasa site... follow the link for 'more photos' under additional links!!

eighteen

Today Sam turned eighteen... the youngest of five brothers. As I watched him blow out the candles (with a little help from Isabel), I was struck by just how amazing life is. And even more, I found myself suddenly reflecting on what incredible parents my in-laws are. They have raised five amazing human beings... nurturing them from babies to boys to men. Two of the oldest now have families of their own. Each one of them completely unique, each one with a kind heart, each one committed to their family, each one full of love and respect for the world around them, each one of them with a strength of character that flows from their core...

As I watched my mother-in-law prepare yet another beautiful birthday cake, I was amazed at the love and care she pute into all that she does. I was overwhelmed by her ability to love... simply, completely and fully. With five sons, four daughters-in-law and five granddaughters, she manages to make each one of us feel totally adored. Her love is honest, real and without judgement. She accepts us for who we are... just as we are. There is no struggle, there is no disapproval... and there is no doubt that we are loved. There are no holes... and in this love we all find a connection to ourselves and to each other. A family.

My father in law is more quiet in his love, but it is no less deep and no less pure. His affection is like an undercurrent that you always know is there... it wraps you a like a blanket on a cold, cold day... and fills you up with a warmth that comes from within. It is the foundation and it is peace.

All this reflection brought upon by the 18th birthday of Joshua's youngest brother... no longer a boy... a human being with an incredible insight into humanity, a deep quest for justice, an amazing awareness of the other, and a loyalty to friends and family that matches that of all his brothers. Moving into the world as an amazing uncle, brother, friend and human being. Truly, one of my favourite people in the world... as are all my 'brothers and sisters and nieces'. So, again, I am inspired by the unconditional force of the love that comes from nana and jid'do which has created this amazing community we call our family.

reflections on the water

Every space holds an energy... and we soak it up with more ease than we even realize. Today, we spent a magical day at Rhonda's island: surrounded by water and feeling totally relaxed. As soon as we stepped on to the island we felt a calmness fill our bones and rejuvenate our souls. The island seems to carry with it a sense of stillness that allows our busy minds to be put at ease... no matter what else is going on in the world, in this space nothing else matters. It was so rejuvenating and I am still feeling the positive vibrations. Both girls got to drive the boat... Anaïs focused and calm, and Isabel excited to get to steer (sometimes to excited to keep her hands on the wheel).

Our time at the island also gave me some space to digest the amazing couple of weeks we have had since arriving in Canada. The time has been so full that I have hardly had a moment to actually absorb the intensity, chaos and beauty of it all. From the moment we arrived we have been trying to see so many people... each visit seems to be shorter than the last and as the time goes by I feel almost to exhausted to actually enjoy the moment. I found myself getting lost in the fact that we are not at home... and yet we are at home. What an odd sensation... to be 'home' and yet simultaneously to feel like a 'stranger'. Everything being totally familiar, and at the same time completely foreign. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before.

I love the time we have to see friends, and yet there is never any real escape to refuel in our own space. Every space we are in is 'borrowed'... and even the time shared seems to be borrowed time. We exchange stories of daily events and talk about the things that are meaningful... and as children demand our attention many conversations are interrupted. There doesn't seem to be enough time... and yet 'enough' has no meaning because it is just about being with what is... the time that we have. With each visit we are jarred into the present moment... with each reconnection we are reminded of what we miss as we make our 'home' in another land... and with each day we feel simultaneously more distant and more connected to this new reality of living a life abroad while visiting our family and friends at 'home'. So where is home...

It is drifting and changing... but above all it is like time, right now, this instant. And this is the gift today has brought to me... the realization that we will not have 'enough' time, energy, resources to do everything, to see everyone... but we will enjoy whatever opportunities we have to be with those we love. For whether we are living next door, or a continent apart... our hearts continue to keep us connected, and our connections continue to be real, just as they are.

keeping it in perspective...

It's amazing what a little bit of sleep can do for one's perspective. How easy it is to fall into a cycle of doubt when we are plagued with fatigue. Yet, as soon as the fog lifts we can see clearly... and realize that each wave of challenges is simply that... it passes, it flows, it moves. That is not to say that being caught in the motion is not difficult or disruptive... but dedicating our energy to analysis of the situation rarely brings us closer to clarity or sanity. In fact, all to often it is the contrary... our mind can take us even further from the truth.

And so, here we are, enjoying our first weeks in Canada... and while there is no schedule, our girls are sleeping less than ever, we are filled with the emotion of seeing family and friends who we have not seen in ages... we are simply being present in the wave of this experience. Without need to worry about what it will mean for re-establishing sleep patterns, eating habits and so on... it's a wonderful way to be. It is, afterall, vacation time!!

We are so lucky to have had a great place to stay in Toronto with our friends who recently renovated their home. I was in awe at how much beauty they put into their space... designing every single detail with attention and care for how it will be used. And just two weeks after moving in opening up their space to us for an extended visit with the girls. Now we are in Morin Heights enjoying the peace of life in the country, and the magic (and chaos) of being all together (five brothers, four wives/girlfriends, five grand-daughters, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and friends with kids of their own). We have a beautiful home where we can retreat with the girls whenever we need to... and mostly we are relishing in the joy of all being together. I am continually struck by the beauty of family... how well cousins get along, how magical the relationship is between uncles/aunts and nieces (no nephews yet), and how much fun it is to be together. The love is overpowering and simultaneously liberating... with a freedom to just be present... right here and right now.

As usual, there are more photos posted at picasa -- following the link in additional links!!

patience...

Some people seem to have an endless supply of patience... no matter what challenges or surprises they face; they approach them with complete grace and calm. There are so many moments when I wish to tap into this resource. At times I find myself standing at the edge of a cliff... around me is a state of calm, a presence, a security in knowing that this moment is exactly as it should be... but as I look down I feel myself hover over an abyss of chaos. As I steady my feet, I am strangely aware of the fact that a mere breeze could tip me over. I hold firm. I take a deep breath. I imagine there is no one else watching. I try very hard to remind myself that beyond the frustration, exhaustion and loneliness, I can find strength and exhileration in the simplest acts -- a hug, a smile, a song. The ordinary moments become extraordinary. Yet at the same time, the challenging moments take every ounce of patience I can find to move through. No matter how bad it gets, I know it will pass... and with time and reflection I always realise it was never that bad. But at that very moment when I hover at the edge of the cliff, I am never sure if I will find the patience to be present, to understand, to open my heart. I suppose it is the fear that creates the feeling of vertigo. So, if only I could release the fear, then the feeling of being at the limits of my patience could also be freed? What is it that I am so afraid of... that my children experience pain, unhappiness, illness? I know this is a part of being human and being alive... yet when I see it in the eyes of my children I am completely paralysed. I want to do everything I can to wipe away the pain as I wipe away the tears... whether the pain is emotional or physical, or even appears to be imaginary. Sometimes I just keep searching for answers -- answers to questions that I cannot even articulate. Yet I keep hoping that someone can tell me, show me, guide me. I know in my heart that it is my children who are guiding me, and all I need to do is listen. This is easy to say when I am not tired and feeling burned out... and in turn feeling uncertain as to what steps to take next. The answer is simple: just put one foot in front of the other. But what if in front of you is a screaming child, having a tantrum about something you are completely unable to understand or diminish. It's as if there is a fire burning out of control and there is no water anywhere in sight. I search for something to calm the situation... and I hope that the choice I make is the right one (whatever that means). And through it all, I keep searching for patience. Hovering... trying desperately not to fall; and always getting up each time I do. Someone recently told me that between one and a half and four years of age are some of the hardest years of parenting... as the kids explore their independance and try to find themselves in the myriad of possibilities before them. As we/they get older more means of communication develop and frustrations subsides... we/they learn new ways of expressing their tantrums that perhaps are less painful to the outside world, and we/they learn better coping mechanisms. I suppose this is all part of learning to walk alone... not just with our feet, but with our hearts and our minds too. There will be falls, and there will be bruises... and while they (we) may never really be alone, the steps they (we) take are theirs (ours) to own.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin

she walks alone...

"The loving mother teaches the child to walk alone. She is far enough from her so that she cannot actually support her, but she holds out her arms to her. She imitates her movements, and if she totters, she swiftly bends as if to seize her, so that the child might believe she is not walking alone...And yet, she does more. Her face beckons like a reward, an encouragement. Thus, the child walks alone with her eyes fixed on her mama's face, not on the difficulties in her way. She supports herself by the arms that do not hold her and constantly strives towards the refuge in her mother's embrace, little suspecting that in the very same moment that she is emphasizing her need for her, she is proving that she can do without her, because she is walking alone." It starts with baby steps... and then the independance continues to grow... little by little... getting dressed, putting on shoes, baking cookies, reading books... And suddenly you realize that she is doing it all alone. The memories are there to cherish... the moments exist to be lived.