thoughts, words, self-expression

as Anaïs moves from observation to babbling to a few somewhat coherent expressions, i am reminded of how amazing the transition to speech is in young children. at first with sounds that do not seem to resemble anything coherent (at least not to the verbal world), and then the ones that clearly start to hold meaning, suddenly first words, sentences... and before my eyes i now watch Isabel talking without cessation. Her words are a part of her connection to the world around her, and continue to show how vital communication is in her life. I am also struck by all the things she says and realize that I need to write more of them down so that I do not forget the words that make me laugh, cry and simply appreciate what a wonderful life it is. Here are a few samplings that have recently come to my mind...

Isabel rocking out to AC/DC... her favourite car tune is hells bells (she likes to play her 'pretend' piano). but my cherished moment is listening to her sing 'shook me all night long' as we walk to yoga...

While Nana and Jid'do were visiting, the 'older girls (isabel included, of course) went out to get our nails painted... we all had an amazing time. On our way home Isabel saw a little baby in a cradle (baby Jesus, to be precise), and wanted to bring the little baby home... so we did. Nana asked Isabel what she was going to name her new baby. Isabel said: "Grandy. And when she grows up you will have a mama again." (note: Grandy is Mallory/Nana's mom who passed away a few years ago). How she put this together without any prompting or guidance is one of the mysteries of childhood... and only further confirms for me that the connection children hold to the world we do not see with our eyes or hear with our ears is more powerful than we realize.

Before Anaïs was born Isabel was adament that she was having a baby sister (she was right). When I would ask her what she should name her new brother/sister... first she would always say, "mama, it will be a sister". And then she would suggest Isabel as a name of choice. "But that is your name" I would counter. To which she would say: "Well, i will have to share everything else, why not my name also." (that left me speechless)

When I insisted that she help me think of a boys name, she would suggest "Isabella"... her way of saying "Please mama, i've already told you she would be a girl."

Shortly after Anaïs was born, Isabel said: "Mama, i am so happy to have a sister because I never like to be alone, and now I have a friend for life." (i am not sure she always feels this way anymore... but that she uttered these words without reservation at meeting her new sister put such a smile on my heart i never want to forget it).
I think one of the things I find most incredible right now is the questions Isabel poses... they are tireless, but at the same time so thoughtful. She does not simply ask 'why'; she actually puts the question into context full of curiousity as to the cause and effect of a given situation. It makes it a lot harder to just brush her off...and at times so very, very exhausting. But as always, I am inspired by a resolution to spark her curiousity not dampen it. It is a beautiful thing to want to learn, know and understand the world around us.

Anais & Papa love performing this little party trick... it never gets old!! And Anais seems happiest when she is doing something daring...right now that involves walking as much as she can!!

Anaïs's current vocabulary currently consists of: dada, mama, ba & hola (accompanied by a wave when greeting someone or saying farewell). She also seems to have figured out the signs for thirsty and food. When she needs to go to the bathroom she crawls over to her potty and puts it on her head... effective and clear (and keeps me on my toes to keep the potty clean). And when she is excited she flaps her arms like a bird and yells: Doi, doi, doi. Her comprehension in Spanish, English and Polish certainly far exceeds her words, but she is not shy to tell you what she needs/wants... even if she does not have the words figured out yet. Though I know now watching Isabel that it won't be long... and once she starts talking the fun just gets funner (and at times more challenging too).

your comments

i just wanted to say THANKS for all of the awesome comments... i am so blessed to have such a wonderful community of people who take the time to read my words and thus give additional meaning to my thoughts on this journey. i love the feedback and i love knowing that my inspired ramblings at times have an impact beyond so often cluttering my mind. i also love that the messages take on a life of their own as they are interpreted by you... it is as if the comments give the idea wings so it can take flight and travel the world.

grace, light, love and anticipation

isabel with nana & jid'do in usaquen square by the christmas lights

2010, January 1 marks the beginning of a new year and a new decade... i am filled with a sense of immense love for my children & my husband, anticipation for the possibilities, gratitude for my friends and family, awe for the world around me, peace in my heart & the world within me, and sheer joy for the present moment. It is an amazing feeling and makes me look forward to the year ahead, as I enjoy what is here and now. I am inspired by the people around me who fill me up in the moments my cup feels more empty than full. I am amazed at how the simplest things can often be the most difficult to understand and take root. I am committed to trusting myself, my voice, my instinct... even when I cannot explain or justify it. I am thankful for you, for me and for all the blessings that surround us in abundance. I feel both completely still and fully energized. It is a new year... what lightness it brings. Each morning, my daughter wakes up and says: "Let's play" (and continues to eagerly repeat this mantra throughout the day). Last month a good friend told me that each morning her daughter wakes up and yells: "Woo-hoo". What a phenomenal way to embrace the day. Today I reflected on this with my mother-in-law... she commented that this usually ends by the time children turn three and their parents have told them to go back to bed enough times to squash their enthusiasm... this was in response to my query as to: "when we (as adults) lose this desire for the day to begin?" Perhaps unintentionally, her comment struck a cord. It made me realize that no matter what time my girls wake up, my job is not to look at the clock or count the hours they have been sleeping. My job is to look in their eyes and to meet their enthusiasm for the day (for life) with equal excitement. And so my hope and my vow is to do just that... and to find within me the patience and the energy to play!!

happy holidays

our christmas tree... piled high with beautiful gifts from our friends near and far. thank you for these amazing presents... and above all for your presence in our lives. we are so very blessed.

whether celebrating kwanzaa, hanukkah, christmas or simply ringing in 2010... there is something magical about this time of year. there is a warmth in the air (or perhaps that's just cuz we don't have snow here in Bogota). No, i really do believe that if we can escape the commerce of it all, there is something that happens this time of year which opens our hearts... we are more willing to be patient, to forgive, to open our hearts. And as we anticipate the dawning of a new year we are eager to make amends and commit to resolutions. For me this opening is quite special and I relish the generosity that pours out (sometimes from the most unlikely sources). In our home, there is definitely a sense of Christmas-time... and now with two little girls the idea of gifts and giving has taken on a whole new meaning. For weeks I was asking Isabel what she wants for Christmas, and her answer was always the same: "A little angel baby for Anaïs, but it must be soft to snuggle." Finally, she came up with her wish: bunk beds... to get ready for when her sister is old enough to move into her room. Yesterday the bunk beds arrived and Isabel was jumping for joy. And so were we waking up this morning to find that Isabel slept from 8pm until 7am this morning with no wake-ups... for our alert little girl that is a record!! We are now convinced these beds really have come from Santa Claus and are sprinkled with fairy dust... and we are hopeful it does not wear off after the first night of purchase.

Isabel also enjoyed packing gifts... which was not always easy to accomodate when I tried to get everything done. Yet, as always, she forced me to slow down... so the wrapping was not always pretty or perfect... it was done with love and laughter. I am amazed at how often I forget this very simple message. I will begin running around and trying to 'get everything done'... and throughout the process I will have a little helper at my feet eager to offer her support each step fo the way... and at times instead of stopping and engaging her enthusiasm, I distract her with other things so that I can get 'my stuff' done more quickly. And when I pause, and reflect for a moment, I feel sad with my own choice... for I have missed an opportunity to share in the magic of the season. The lesson at that moment is clear... with each new day there is a new chance to do things differently. No matter what choices we made yesterday, we can make a fresh choice today and tomorrow. That feeling, that lesson is a part of the magic of this season for me. Looking forward with anticipation.

a day of firsts...

Anaïs flying high with a big smile

Today Isabel ate cotton candy for the first time with her good friend Morwyn at Andres Carne de Res restaurant in Chia (just outside of Bogota). In the evening after Anaïs went to sleep the rest of us all watched the first 30-minutes of mary poppins together (a first for Isabel). Having mastered crawling and tired of walking around attached to mama/papa, Anaïs is now practicing walking. She does so with a lot of hand movement (perhaps thinking that if she 'flaps her arms like a bird' that will somehow help her walk) and very wobbly knees thus usually ending up falling on her bum or forward into a crawl (or mama's arms or the bed...and occasionally a harder surface). Anaïs now boasts four teeth, but not in the expected order, making for a very cute and lop-sided smile as she waits for the third top tooth to come out and balance out the large front tooth and smaller side tooth already filling her mouth. As the girls move through the various stages of their development the old saying that 'time flies' becomes very clear in my mind. I am amazed at how quickly the phases pass by, and yet at times the days seem neverending. I am not sure how that can be so... when something difficult appears on our path and I feel overwhelmed or uncertain it feels as if the challenge stretches out into days when only a few moments have passed. And then as I reflect on the many changes I am at times almost surprised that before me stand a three year old and ten month old. I am, as always, reminded of how precious each moment is... and how fruitless the feelings of doubt, fear and frustration are that often creep into my mind and my heart. Even in the most difficult moments there is a ray of light and a sparkle of hope... and it always passes by in a flash, so long as we let it go. As Anaïs takes her first steps and begins to form words; I see her walking into the world with passion, determination and enthusiasm - for this is how she approaches each task - and laughter in her soul. As Isabel watches her first movie, enjoys tasty sweets, gets her face painted and dances with her friends, I see her embracing the world with an open, tender heart and a charming disposition that lights up a room. And in the moments when I am frustrated with the unending series of what seem to be constantly repeating questions, or the on-going nightly wake-ups and false-starts to sleepyland... I am also inspired to remember that healthy doses of laughter and patience can help to keep even the most difficult situation in perspective.

Isabel & Morwyn getting ready to dance at Andres (restaurant in Chia)

friends always welcome

my dear, dear friend Ania and her partner John came to visit us for a few days this week... what a joy it was to have them here!! Their visit was a blessing in so many ways that I am short on words to express the extent of gratitude I feel for their presence. Upon arrival they showered us all with gifts... spoiling both girls with beautiful outfits and toys that matched their hearts desires. Isabel now proudly owns a beautiful medical bag which she carries around to visit all her 'patients' (the many dolls and stuffed toys around the house). Ania & John bravely explored various parts of the city, made friends along the way, and never once let our cautionary tales slow them down from seeing something new. Their excitement and eagerness to wander into new areas was refreshing, and I loved hearing their stories at the end of each day... about delicious meals, people they met, and new things they wanted to see tomorrow. They approached each day with a sense of wonder that I am used to seeing only in my own children. In the evenings I felt totally spoiled to share tea (or wine) and warm conversation with them both... laughing about old memories, dreaming about the future, analyzing the way we do things, sharing stories about our daily lives. The time passed by far too quickly than I expected as I craved more chats with my dear friend. When they left I was filled with boundless gratitude for the time they gave us... it was the greatest gift I could have hoped for, at a time when I needed it more than I even realized. To have in my home a friend who 'knows my heart'... a friend I do not need to explain things to or build bridges with... a friend with whom I can be totally transparent... and just be. At their parting I was also left with a sense of emptiness... realizing with full force just how much I miss my friends, my family, my sounding board, my thermometer of reason. The gratitude far outweighs the emptiness... and it is a strong reminder of the things that matter most.

Thank you Ania & John... above all for sharing your time and for making our home feel more like home with your presence. What a gift you have given to me, to the girls, to our family.

forgiveness

Today, Isabel taught me about the strength, simplicity and ease of forgiveness... in a way that only a three year old could. I have found our re-adjustment to life in Colombia much more difficult than I had expected... I guess being home with family/friends this summer was a reminder of the community of support that we have... and especially as a stay-at-home-mom, it is much more difficult ot find that same kind of connectivity in a 'far away land'. I am slowly easing into our life and finding a small network of women with shared views on life, parenting and everyday escapades. This is certainly helping; and doing it for what feels like the 'second time around' I remember how time helps me settle into this new reality. However, the challenges of creating a 'home away from home' have further emphasized the pitfalls (and joys) brought about along the journey of motherhood and having two young children demanding my all. The girls seem to both give me my biggest highs, and also at times drain more energy and patience than I think I am capable of offering. Yet, in the end, it is always a lesson... an opportunity for growth, and expansion of love. And this morning was no exception... I found myself losing my patience with Isabel as she demanded more and more attention at a moment when I was trying to focus on nursing Anais. When suddenly the counting stopped worked and my breathing seemed to come to a halt and my patience was left behind in the dust somewhere between reason and emotion. In this moment, it was me acting like an immature two year old wanting everything to be as I wanted, rather than simply as it was. As the tone of my voice shifted and my tolerance seemed to disappear, I saw my temperament reflect back at me through the eyes of my three year old daughter as her smile dropped and her face expressed sadness. She ran out of the room without a word. I was able to feed Anais and settle her to sleep (so, i guess i got what i wanted - i gained some sense of control over the situation), but my heart felt heavy and I knew that I could have handled that differently. As soon as I put Anais in her crib I walked over to Isabel's room... she looked at me still with a hint of sadness. It told her I was sorry... I didn't really know what else to say cuz an explanation seemed meaningless and pointless. She acknowledged my apology with a hug and said: "It's okay mama. We can work on being patient together." She paused, and then looked at me again: "Do you want to play?" And with that, she moved on. No harboured emotions, no lengthy explanations. It was simply a bad moment, a lack of judgement... but it was over. The feelings were acknowledged and now we could move on and be in the moment again. Forgiveness... pure, simple, clear.