a very long hiatus

Isabel all dressed up... performing for mama

Anaïs following in her big sisters footsteps...
oh the beauty of imagination!!

It's amazing how quickly time passes by when we least expect it. then again, i suppose time itself always moves at the same pace, but our perspective varies. Over the last few months i have taken both an 'accidental' and partially purposeful break from 'writing' (including blogging, emailing and even updating photos). The accidental part was simply reality taking its course and making it difficult for me to find time to 'keep up'. The purposeful part was that somewhere in my mind I made a choice to prioritize carving out a space to reconnect with myself.

I know that many of you had noticed that last year was a rather difficult one for me... it was certainly a journey filled with growth, and that growth was stimulated by events that pulled at my heartstrings and often made me feel lost, isolated and unstable. I think one of the most challenging aspects was trying to figure out what exactly had tipped me off balance. I kept searching for a cause and hoping that if i could find one it would help me re-establish my centre. Yet the more I looked for a reason, the more I began to recognize that the cause was secondary to simply re-aligning with the present moment.
This is when I 'purposefully' began to focus on truly being in the here and now. It was not always easy as my mind so quickly wandered into 'what ifs' and fears and angers and other 'ego-bound' emotions/thoughts. So I learned to laugh at my thoughts (and myself) a little more and not to take it all so seriously. Being fully engaged and present in motherhood was my path to becoming more centred... and as I took steps to practice what I so believed, I began to realize that there are so many different roads to the same place. For me, my children offered me a constant reminder of what is important... and so rather than send an email, or post a blog, or be distracted by the computer (or various other distractions)... when they said: "come play mama... i would go play." even if dinner/laundry or any other multitude of distractions were pulling me in other directions. And when i had a moment of pause, i would do just that... I would pause.

It's amazing what would happen in these moments of pause... at first i found myself sleeping (A LOT... well, as much as is feasible with two little girls tugging at me). And at other times I would cry (A LOT... usually for no specific reason, simply allowing my emotions to be whatever they were). And, overtime, i stopped feeling the need to rush. I began to feel... present. I began to feel... calm. I stopped worrying so much about the world around me and became more aware of the world before me and inside me.

Of course, there are also all of the 'accidental' reasons that seem to be provided by the universe to help us in these times. So, just as i was feeling most overwhelmed and without any support, we found out we were expecting another little human to join our life. A bit of a surprise, and yet a surprise that put everything into focus (and explained much of the exhaustion). Not to mention truly forced me to reconnect with myself. It was an opportunity to find time for me and all that was most important to me... my husband, my children, my family (both near and far) and all those who know my heart (most of you farther than closer, and yet your presence always here). And so, for those of you who may not have heard... we are all very happy to share that there will be a new little person joining our family at some point in early January!! Isabel has named my bump "little plum".

At the same time, summer vacation began and Isabel decided she no longer wanted to go to her play school. She was ready for 'big girl school'. So, this meant that summer time was truly a vacation for me and the girls... the three of us inseparable for nearly two months!! Creating more time for play, and less time for writing/photos/email/computer time. It also triggered a last minute adventure to Canada to visit with family in August (more on that in another post).

And, because all things seem to come in groups... at the same time I found out that two of my closest friends here in Bogotá were moving on. Considering that so much of my journey was about feeling like i had no friends here who seemed to really know who i was, this was an incredibly difficult piece of information for me to digest.

Then all the little 'accidental' reasons... like the internet being down (all the time), my computer not working, getting a new computer without any of the programs i needed, etc, etc, etc.

so, life had a plan... and along the way i found myself reading "Zen Shorts" with Isabel very often to remind myself that nothing goes 'right' or 'wrong'... there is no 'good luck' or 'bad luck'... it is all just part of the journey. And as I sit here now and reflect back on the year I am finally left feeling grateful for the adventure. As hard as it was at times to feel so very left out, to be reminded of those lonely childhood days of being an 'outsider' and not fitting in, to feel completely out of sync with everyone/everything within my proximity... it is all of this that brought me here. To exactly where I want to be. I no longer feel resentful for all the sad emotions and for all the hurts. I no longer feel a need to 'fit in' or a loss at being 'left out'. Of course, I still have my moments (don't we all)... but they are fewer and briefer... and felt with a sense of awareness of what is.

And so in this month of September... as I celebrated my birthday, the birth of my first daughter (who truly got me started on this path)... I feel a sense of anticipation, and renewal. I am excited about what is ahead, I am thankful for what came before (the good and the bad of it), and I feel fully connected to the present, happy just where i am. Knowing that no matter what, there is nothing better than right now.

so, on that note, i will end this post and look forward to writing more, posting more and catching up with photos and friends both near and far. i know, i know... i have A LOT of photos to catch up on, so the sorting has begun. Thanks to all of you for your patience.

Happy Mother's Day

As I reflect on mother's day, I am reminded yet again that motherhood is not just about having children... it is a way of life, a way of being, a way of learning, a way of living. So today, I celebrate all the mom's out there, and also all the people who embrace motherhood in their everyday life with passion, a full heart and an open mind. All of you inspire me to be a better mom... more present everyday with my girls, more open to all the surprises & lessons life has to offer. With all its peaks and valleys, life is beautiful.

May you always find beauty in the world around you... and dance!!!

I know I am far behind on many of my postings/updates... but i wanted to share this message now, with love... hopefuuly in june i will finish the updates for april (and perhaps even from our beach vacation coming up this month).

Parenting 101

"Breathing in I calm myself, breathing out I smile." Thich Nhat Hanh

So often I search for answers from books, experts and outside sources. Desperately seeking some kind of guidance, and perhaps at times even reinforcement. Uncertain if the choices I make are correct. Critical of the times I lose my patience or make a thoughtless comment or gesture. Riddled with self-doubt and confusion. And simultaneously inspired and filled with more love than I could have ever imagined. Blurry from the exhaustion of another sleepless night, seeing the world through the eyes of a child... everything new and everything just as it is in this moment. Holding space for tears, for fear... trying not to change the emotions, knowing they are a part of life and yet wanting desperately to wipe the pain away. Amazed at each word, each expression, each action, each experience... could it really be this simple. Confused by the expressions of independence that challenge my own beliefs and expectations... oh those expectations.
It is a journey that has no recipe... no matter how hard we search for the perfect answers and solutions... it is simply an adventure in being present and being open to learning.

A friend recently sent me a message that resonated with me deeply... and so as I reflect on being a mama, I also celebrate these words and the intention they hold for me and for my children as I watch them grow... Thank you Shawna!

"They grow up so fast and search out their independence long before we are ready to give it to them... And those fears and doubts we had when we got started with this parenthood thing just keep getting bigger... But we try our best and that's what counts because that is what they will carry with them... Not how much they did or did not have, not how often we did or didn't lose our tempers, not how many good or bad decisions we made but how hard we tried to do right by them..." ~ Shawna

a tender moment shared together.

sweet love.

a green infusion

On April 11th we got a surprise visit from Cousin Graham and at the same time Isabel got to enjoy connecting with family that she usually only talks about when reading the Lorax (since when reading this particular Dr. Seuss, Isabel seems to think of Graham as a modern day Lorax). Graham is extremely involved in environmental issues and founded the website www.treehugger.com. He was inspired to visit us following a trip with Ted Oceans to the Galapagos Islands... being so close, we were glad to get his email just a day or two before his arrival to say he had re-routed his flight to come and visit us.

Graham immerses himself in discovering ways that he can better live green... and his passion (as well as his hesitation) left me with a lot to think about. His hesitation about the future made me reflect on what it is that truly inspires me to wake up each morning... knowing that humans are not perfect and that each day we make choices that have a negative impact on our planet, on our home. His passion for living green inspired me to consider what more I could do on a daily basis, and also to take a moment to celebrate just how much so many people truly are doing... both on a big and small scale.

Graham sharing some photos from his Galapagos tour

As we looked through some of the photos from the Galapagos and learned more about what is happening to our oceans... it was at times difficult to stay positive. Even Graham admitted to finding it hard to wake up in the mornings and keep on keeping on (whatever that might mean). And in the moment of it I was struck (yet again) by the tremendous capacity I gain from my children to do what needs to be done in any given day. I cannot get lost in a feeling of helplessness or even futility, because they are with me keeping me present in this very moment.

Graham & Anaïs sharing a special moment together

And as we played in the park, and I watched their smiles, I also realized just how much my children not only ground me, but also inspire me to make positive choices (or at least the best ones that i can at any given moment). It also made me cherish just how much freedom I have to make the choices that feel right for me, for the future of my children, for the planet. And this awareness gave me a sense of recognition for all of the actions people take all over the world... big or small, in their own little way. Not everyone is conscious of how much their decisions can affect the planet, the oceans, the world around them... and yet every little thing does truly count, for it is all the little things that make up the big things, and it is in their unity that they further challenge the larger entities to also make change.. big change.

So, instead of feeling dismayed and depressed, I felt hopeful... and grateful... for people like Graham and for everyday people like you and me... who try to live consciously and conscientiously.

Graham & Isabel playing some 'serious' dress up

As our time wrapped up, we also discussed the value of vegetarianism on keeping the planet healthy... and Graham told us about his 'weekday vegetarianism' approach when talking to people for whom giving up meat altogether seemed an impossible feat. I wanted to share some of his reflections on this topic as I think it is a nice way to stop thinking about vegetarianism (like so many other issues) as an 'all or nothing' concept. Of course, for us, vegetarianism is a way of life... but it is a personal choice we have made for ourselves and for our family. Perhaps by exploring various 'degrees' of vegetarian living, might actually make it more accessible to more people who are tempted by the concept, yet turned off by the extremism.

a perfect easter weekend...

An easter egg hunt with some friends... another at home in our 'building park'... and a fabulous road trip out to Laguna de Guatavita located about 55km north-east of Bogotá. It was a beautiful drive up the mountains, and then a lovely walk through the forest and then up to the hilltop to see the lake. Most of all, it was a magical day out of the city in the fresh air with the girls. They were amazing on the hike... Anaïs cozy in her backpack and Isabel hiking most of the way up on her own.

mama with a tired Anaïs... and a view of Lake Guatavita

papa & isabel climbing up, up, up!!

March... filled with amazing times!!

March has proven to be a busy and sunny month here in Bogotá. We have spent all of our days in the parks and making friends. One of the most special parts of this month was meeting Natasha, Remo & Alessio... they were visiting just for a few weeks and in that time Alessio & Isabel became instant friends, and Natasha & I found shelter in each others friendship. It was a magical time and the weather made trips to the park and coffee dates so easy. The days passed so quickly and they were filled with laughter, great conversations and happy moments. While their time here was brief, we are so happy that they came and touched our lives... we know they will be a part of our hearts forever.

Isabel & Alessio ready to take flight to Canada... then Rome!! 

Natasha reading stories with the kids...they could BOTH do this for hours!!

We also ventured on two wonderful trips to Bagatelle in Chia... what a fabulous restaurant surrounded by a playground perfect for the kids to run around and enjoy the sunshine (while the parents get to enjoy a cup of coffee and even a meal... though sometimes taking turns)!!

sheer joy on the trampoline

pretty butterfly

getting ready for soccer!!

Isabel having fun at the top of the slide.

passion is a little messy sometimes

Anaïs is an extremely passionate (and messy) eater. While it is still very charming right now... we are at a complete loss as to how we will instil good table manners in this wild child. The other day even her sister Isabel expressed some concern at the mess that ensues both one and around the kitchen table each time Anaïs enjoys a meal... not to mention on her face, clothes and hair!!

delicious spinach soup

finger lickin' good

and a little in my hair for prosperity

this is so much fun!! i love my food!!!

Oddly enough, the mess seems to be contained to mealtimes. Anaïs is very precise about always putting away her toys, making sure everything is in its place before bedtime, and taking off her shoes to place them on the shoe rack and her jacket/sweater on the coat hook every time we return from the park. The passion... well that's a part of who she is... and we love it wildly and completely like every other part of her little being!!