the distance makes it harder...

This morning we went swimming with the girls. It was positively brilliant to watch them dancing in the water... both full of smiles and eager to take a leap of faith. Trusting completely that mama or papa will always be there to catch them if they need a little extra help... and simply enjoying the feeling of being in a body of water versus walking in air.

Anaïs happy in her boat

Isabel jumping into the water

In the afternoon, we went to celebrate the birthday of a good friend of both Isabel & Anaïs. All four of us had a delightful time sharing special moment with wonderful people, not to mention enjoying some delicious food. The girls were especially happy to be all dressed up as little princesses.

Princess Anaïs

Princess Isabel

As we finished off a beautiful day, ate dinner, put the girls to bed and went on with our evening ritual... we got some extremely sad news from home. Good friends of ours lost their twin babies - they were due less than a month after our due date with Little Plum (so she was five months pregnant). We suddenly felt so very, very far away from home... the geographical distance seemed to instantly translate into a distance from the day we had just experienced. And as I sit here and try to write out these words I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss - a deep sadness not only for our dear friends, but also for a complete sense of helplessness at living so far away... unable to do more than send thoughts of strength, courage and hope. Unable to offer any kind of physical or emotional support due to the space that separates our lives. It is in these moments that living abroad takes on a whole new meaning... as we live a life here and attempt to make it as complete as possible, we also are so very far apart from the life that we used to know at home. I suppose that there is no way to change that... no matter where we are living, there are always people who are not living in the same place. And perhaps once we leave Colombia we will feel this same loss (in fact, I am certain that we will... for friends like the one with whom we celebrated a princess birthday). The loss of their physical presence. The inability to be there during the tougher moments. Yet this news today has struck so deep that I find myself speechless and almost paralyzed in the face of it. All I want to do is get on a plane and fly home... to give my friends a hug. Not just support from afar... a real expression of human contact.

And so tonight, i light a candle for our friends... hoping that in some small way the energy of the flame helps to light their way as they move through their pain. And at the same time I find myself reflecting on all the losses and sadnesses that I have been so far away from over the years... hoping beyond hope that my intentions find their way to the hearts of the people I hold so dear... both near and far. Perhaps the candle is just as much for me as for them... a physical act of hope, of love, of faith.

three's a charm

I have always liked the number three... and today I am really hoping that I have just finished a round of personal invasions by finally reaching the number three!!! 

I. Robbed: This summer, while enjoying a fabulous vacation back in Canada, the home we were renting was robbed and my laptop computer was stolen. Of course, the most devastating part about it was the number of photos that we lost from the first year and a half of Anaïs's life (so if any of you have pictures i may have sent you over the last year or so... please send them our way). Thank goodness for the photos i have loaded up on the internet leaving me with memories of some of my favourite prints. The rest of the experience was really not that traumatic. To be honest, I found myself grateful that whoever robbed us did so in a relatively kind and non-invasive way. The home was not torn apart, and overall nothing that would have complicated our lives (like passports, etc) was stolen.

II. Invaded: On Monday of this week, my Facebook account was hacked. Someone figured out my password and decided it would be fun to go in and mess around with my account. A friend of mine sent me a text to let me know (as i don't check my FB that often)... when I entered the account everything was a mess. The person went into my emails (perhaps sent out messages?), engaged in chats with whoever happened to be on-line at the time, left unpleasant comments, and so on. Really, it was enough to make me want to shut down. Though again, while I miss some of the contact opportunities FB allowed me with family/friends who live in distant parts of the world... I was also somewhat happy to have an excuse to shutdown my account. It seemed like the only thing that made sense, as I did not feel I could safely engage with FB after this experience.

III. Cheated: This morning, a taxi driver took advantage of both my naïvety and 'gringo-ness' by convincing me that the amount of payment was significantly higher than the actual fare. It was amazing moving through the process of hearing the amount at the end of my drive, going through my wallet to try to find enough money, trying to explain to the taxi driver that I do not have enough to cover the bill, giving him all the money I had... and only then realized that the amount being asked was impossible (way to be gullible). So then I asked to confirm the amount, at which point the driver gave me back my money (or so i thought). Turns out he only returned some of my money from which I paid him the actual amount of the fare, got out of the cab and only as I placed the money in my wallet did I realize that he had not returned the full fare. I went back to his window and he denied keeping my money; he insisted it was a misunderstanding and that we he would be back to my house for the rest of the money I owed him. I felt totally paralyzed... I took down his license number and stood in the street in the middle of no where?!?! 

So, robbed, invaded and cheated... i do believe three's a charm and this is the end of the cycle. None of them serious altercations, and yet the one that left me feeling most vulnerable (and actually moved me to tears) was the taxi driver. Why? I have not yet figured out... perhaps it was that feeling of thinking that there was something I could have done differently: not paid him the amount he asked, questioned his sincerity before I gave him any money... but also the vulnerability of being in a foreign place and feeling a lack of control over the entire situation. Either way, I am happy it is all over.

(Post script: the taxi driver did come to my house the next day. Thankfully it was Saturday and Joshua went down to give him a few choice words... the idea was that someone from the taxi company was supposed to drive over to return my money, instead it was the taxi driver again insisting that he had not asked me for more than he was owed and that I never paid him a penny more than the actual fare). 

So now, I guess I can look forward with a sense of relief... knowing I've reached my 'three', feeling a little more cautious... but also unwilling (as usual) to let the few negative incidents shift my perspective of the world around me. In two cases, I can assume that the other party needed the money/items/etc more than me; in the other case, I just don't understand why people do the things they do... boredom I suppose. But in every case,  a lesson can be learned and a new direction taken. Always with a leap of faith... trusting that everything happens for a reason... no good luck or bad luck... just life.

Isabel's 4th Birthday

On September 10th Isabel turned four!!! It's amazing to think of all that we have lived and experienced in this time... in some ways the time has sped by like a rocket ship, and yet when i reflect on the memories I feel like the time has been so full. Four is right where we are all at... most of all her!! Now attending school, proudly wearing her big sister hat with Anaïs & eagerly anticipating the arrival of Little Plum.

We had several days filled with beautiful celebrations.
On Friday afternoon we were invited to bring treats/cake to Isabel's school to share with all her classmates. It was a treat beyond what we could have expected and only further reinforced our faith in the school Isabel spends her days at. The teachers prepared a beautiful space with four candles, four wooden blocks, a flag of Colombia, the date of Isabel's birth, and a picture of the sun. All of the children sat in a circle with Isabel near this magical space. In the centre there was a globe... Isabel was invited to take the sun and walk around the globe four times, marking each year of her life. As she passed each year a candle was lit to mark her 'birthdays'. We were also asked to bring photos of each year of Isabel's life and shared those with the entire class. Following some beautiful songs, the children were invited to say things that they wished for Isabel or that they wanted to tell her on this special day. The kids raised their hands one by one and each one said something sweet about Isabel... "you are my fabulous friend", "i love you very much", "i am so happy to know you"... little things that made her smile and feel ever more adored. And once the children finished both teachers said a few words that were so precious they make Joshua & I gush. Of course, then it was our turn and we also had to chime in with some pretty rhymes about our first born. Then, time for the cake... which isabel insisted to give out to each child herself... one by one!!! It took some time, but the smiles on everyone's faces were worth every effort. It was a beautiful hour.

Isabel with her teacher Nydia and classmates

Isabel over the years...

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On Saturday we had a larger celebration with some of Isabel's friends here in our building common room... and it too was better than we could have even expected. We decided to go 'a little Colombian' this year and hired two animators that came with a puppet show, face painting and even a minnie mouse suit  that was brought out for cake time!! I still baked the cake... isabel's annual request: chocolate with white icing and raspberries... for about 50 people!!! Fun was had by all... there was dancing, music, playing in the park, arts & crafts... and most importantly smiles on all of the kids faces (not to mention the adults).

Isabel with friends Simon (left), Luciana & Sara (right) enjoying the puppet show

The grin on Isabel's face was a permanent decoration

Anaïs also had a fabulous time

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On Sunday we relaxed... but not before opening all of the gifts (with all the activity of the prior two days there was no time to even think about the amazing and generous gifts everyone bombarded Isabel with this year). She savoured opening each one, placed them in a pile on the couch... and then throughout the day played with each toy giving it particular attention. The gifts have continued to provide us with hours of entertainment... and we were even more spoiled when some of you thought about getting special treats for Anaïs to ensure she did not feel left out (though isabel was more than happy to share what she got).

very excited to start opening all her gifts (with Anaïs looking on)

Wow... this girl was spoiled with amazing gifts. Thank you all!!

... and my first real bicycle!!!

All in all, a deliciously perfect weekend... the joy in Isabel's eyes confirming her happiness and reinforcing ours. Now on to another year for our 'big girl' princess.

The Magic of Birthdays...

Happy Birthday Mama... from Isabel!!

Happy Birthday Mama... from Anaïs!!

Oh Birthdays really are wonderful things... an opportunity to celebrate, to do whatever we want, to reflect on our lives... and to be so grateful for the myriad of blessings that is our life.
This year seemed like a particularly magical birthday for me... for the first time in years I felt completely no pressure to make my birthday public in any way, shape or form. I was surprised by the multitude for greetings and gifts that were bestowed upon me by friends and acquaintances (in particular the latter). The generosity of people around me never ceases to amaze me... in thought, word and action.
I began my day with a quiet moment for myself... even enjoying a shower (not always easy to manage when getting Isabel ready for school and keeping Anaïs equally occupied). Then after some fun playtime with Anaïs I went to teach a yoga class... in fact, the first yoga class I have taught formally in nearly two years. WOW!!! It was amazing. I had almost forgotten what I was missing and just how much I love to teach... and how much I love yoga. It felt like the perfect day to mark the start of another 365 days around the sun. The women in the class are magnificent, and I feel honoured to have the opportunity to guide them in their yoga practice for 1.5hours each week.
From that point on the day just got better... a beautiful reunion with Isabel as she got off the bus, an early arrival home by my husband with Chocolate Cake and Vanilla Ice Cream in hand. The girls were both full of smiles and my heart was filled with love and joy. The evening rounded out with a fire and some quality time with the man I love.
As I drifted off to sleep I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude... and a blissful anticipation for what lies ahead.

Yay for Birthdays!!!

First day of School

First day of School for Isabel... exhausted & happy!!!

On Monday August 23rd Isabel began her first day at 'big girl school'. She gets on the bus before 7am each morning, and does not get home until 3:30/4pm in the afternoon. It is a long day and seems to have taken more of an adjustment for us as parents than for her. She was jumping for joy as she ran for the bus... meanwhile J actually followed the bus to the school to ensure that she would be okay when she got off (of course, she hardly even turned back and was simply surprised to find her papa there as she arrived at school).
What has been most incredible for me about this experience is just how much Isabel has led her entire entry into 'outside education'. She decided when she was ready to start going to pre-school... and she engaged in the process without any hesitation. And then this summer she decided she was no longer interested in going to a pre-school... she was ready to be a 'big kid'. as she leads the process I find myself filled with so much awe at her confidence, excitement and thirst for experiencing new things.
The school itself is remarkable... it is a Montessori school based just outside the city, surrounded by hills, where she breathes fresh air all day. She loves her teachers and is making friends with everyone. Each time we have gone to visit we have been amazed at how calm and happy everyone seems to be. The school is truly dedicated to inspiring both self-respect and respect for others (and the world around); not to mention building confidence and encouraging self-initiative.

This is where Isabel goes to school.

Certainly Isabel is exhausted at the end of each day (she is only four)... but her joy and enthusiasm more than makes up for any of the more tender moments that tiredness brings. In the first week she even got to  go horseback riding on the school grounds... she was one of the few kids eager to get on a horse without any hesitation.

The transition has also been quite nice for Anaïs and I, as we get to enjoy some quality one-on-one time... which seems all the more precious to me as we anticipate the arrival of Little Plum.

All in all, it has been an incredible shift in our lives and one that we are all finding positive.

Ready for School - Day #2 (the smiles do not stop)

a very long hiatus

Isabel all dressed up... performing for mama

Anaïs following in her big sisters footsteps...
oh the beauty of imagination!!

It's amazing how quickly time passes by when we least expect it. then again, i suppose time itself always moves at the same pace, but our perspective varies. Over the last few months i have taken both an 'accidental' and partially purposeful break from 'writing' (including blogging, emailing and even updating photos). The accidental part was simply reality taking its course and making it difficult for me to find time to 'keep up'. The purposeful part was that somewhere in my mind I made a choice to prioritize carving out a space to reconnect with myself.

I know that many of you had noticed that last year was a rather difficult one for me... it was certainly a journey filled with growth, and that growth was stimulated by events that pulled at my heartstrings and often made me feel lost, isolated and unstable. I think one of the most challenging aspects was trying to figure out what exactly had tipped me off balance. I kept searching for a cause and hoping that if i could find one it would help me re-establish my centre. Yet the more I looked for a reason, the more I began to recognize that the cause was secondary to simply re-aligning with the present moment.
This is when I 'purposefully' began to focus on truly being in the here and now. It was not always easy as my mind so quickly wandered into 'what ifs' and fears and angers and other 'ego-bound' emotions/thoughts. So I learned to laugh at my thoughts (and myself) a little more and not to take it all so seriously. Being fully engaged and present in motherhood was my path to becoming more centred... and as I took steps to practice what I so believed, I began to realize that there are so many different roads to the same place. For me, my children offered me a constant reminder of what is important... and so rather than send an email, or post a blog, or be distracted by the computer (or various other distractions)... when they said: "come play mama... i would go play." even if dinner/laundry or any other multitude of distractions were pulling me in other directions. And when i had a moment of pause, i would do just that... I would pause.

It's amazing what would happen in these moments of pause... at first i found myself sleeping (A LOT... well, as much as is feasible with two little girls tugging at me). And at other times I would cry (A LOT... usually for no specific reason, simply allowing my emotions to be whatever they were). And, overtime, i stopped feeling the need to rush. I began to feel... present. I began to feel... calm. I stopped worrying so much about the world around me and became more aware of the world before me and inside me.

Of course, there are also all of the 'accidental' reasons that seem to be provided by the universe to help us in these times. So, just as i was feeling most overwhelmed and without any support, we found out we were expecting another little human to join our life. A bit of a surprise, and yet a surprise that put everything into focus (and explained much of the exhaustion). Not to mention truly forced me to reconnect with myself. It was an opportunity to find time for me and all that was most important to me... my husband, my children, my family (both near and far) and all those who know my heart (most of you farther than closer, and yet your presence always here). And so, for those of you who may not have heard... we are all very happy to share that there will be a new little person joining our family at some point in early January!! Isabel has named my bump "little plum".

At the same time, summer vacation began and Isabel decided she no longer wanted to go to her play school. She was ready for 'big girl school'. So, this meant that summer time was truly a vacation for me and the girls... the three of us inseparable for nearly two months!! Creating more time for play, and less time for writing/photos/email/computer time. It also triggered a last minute adventure to Canada to visit with family in August (more on that in another post).

And, because all things seem to come in groups... at the same time I found out that two of my closest friends here in Bogotá were moving on. Considering that so much of my journey was about feeling like i had no friends here who seemed to really know who i was, this was an incredibly difficult piece of information for me to digest.

Then all the little 'accidental' reasons... like the internet being down (all the time), my computer not working, getting a new computer without any of the programs i needed, etc, etc, etc.

so, life had a plan... and along the way i found myself reading "Zen Shorts" with Isabel very often to remind myself that nothing goes 'right' or 'wrong'... there is no 'good luck' or 'bad luck'... it is all just part of the journey. And as I sit here now and reflect back on the year I am finally left feeling grateful for the adventure. As hard as it was at times to feel so very left out, to be reminded of those lonely childhood days of being an 'outsider' and not fitting in, to feel completely out of sync with everyone/everything within my proximity... it is all of this that brought me here. To exactly where I want to be. I no longer feel resentful for all the sad emotions and for all the hurts. I no longer feel a need to 'fit in' or a loss at being 'left out'. Of course, I still have my moments (don't we all)... but they are fewer and briefer... and felt with a sense of awareness of what is.

And so in this month of September... as I celebrated my birthday, the birth of my first daughter (who truly got me started on this path)... I feel a sense of anticipation, and renewal. I am excited about what is ahead, I am thankful for what came before (the good and the bad of it), and I feel fully connected to the present, happy just where i am. Knowing that no matter what, there is nothing better than right now.

so, on that note, i will end this post and look forward to writing more, posting more and catching up with photos and friends both near and far. i know, i know... i have A LOT of photos to catch up on, so the sorting has begun. Thanks to all of you for your patience.

Happy Mother's Day

As I reflect on mother's day, I am reminded yet again that motherhood is not just about having children... it is a way of life, a way of being, a way of learning, a way of living. So today, I celebrate all the mom's out there, and also all the people who embrace motherhood in their everyday life with passion, a full heart and an open mind. All of you inspire me to be a better mom... more present everyday with my girls, more open to all the surprises & lessons life has to offer. With all its peaks and valleys, life is beautiful.

May you always find beauty in the world around you... and dance!!!

I know I am far behind on many of my postings/updates... but i wanted to share this message now, with love... hopefuuly in june i will finish the updates for april (and perhaps even from our beach vacation coming up this month).