Sometimes I forget...

Seriously ballerina!! Just don't ask her to smile for the camera!!!

Sometimes I forget that my oldest daughter is only four. She constantly amazes me with her perspective, her view of the world, her presence, her wisdom... and simultaneously I am so often surprised when her behaviour appropriately reflects her age with expressions of whining, crying and other behaviours that push my buttons in ways that I never expected. In general she is such a good natured child and always eager to please... but she has her moments and they play on my weaknesses. In some ways, it is a part of parenting that I never anticipated... and yet it is such a real and present part.

Anaïs leaning in for some apples as the girls take a break from performing.

I still recall having so many thoughts, ideas, perspectives on what it would be like to be a parent. I was aware that I did not really know anything... and at the same time I had such strong beliefs about what resonated with me. And then reality took hold and I found myself questioning everything (especially myself). I wondered if I was making the right decisions. I put so much weight into the opinions of others... even if I did not 'listen' to them, they affected me greatly and I spent so much energy analyzing, questioning and doubting. Reading every book I could find... seeking resources on the internet. Attempting to figure out the best choices I could make as a parent for my daughter... then daughters.

It was amazing how consumed I could get with self-doubt. I still recall feeling so empowered during my actual pregnancy (all three of them, in fact)... and yet, entering the realm of motherhood took on a whole new dimension. Each time I lost my patience or faltered in my steps to try to be a calm and loving presence, I questioned by ability to 'do it right'. I knew (and still know) that what I wanted (and want) is to be present and engaged in the lives of my children... yet there have been days when this has not been something I was able to do as well as I would have hoped. I also knew (know) how I wanted to parent... and that I wanted to make being with my children my number one priority. It continues to bring me immense joy to spend time with my girls... even when they are at their worst. And yet making this choice often put me into a conflict with the world around me... I know it should not have done so, and that perhaps it was my mind playing games with me that affected me more than the world around me... yet the emotions were real, even if the external judgments were self-imposed.

Having fun putting on a show!!

And now, for the first time in my life perhaps, I find myself completely at ease with my decisions. Even if I do forget that my 4-year old is only four sometimes... I am always filled with joy to be with her. Even when the girls don't always sleep through the night... I am happy to be up with them to steal those peaceful moments in the still of the darkness. Even when I don't go out for cocktails to spend time at home instead... I am filled with a sense of peace at my decision, knowing I am exactly where I want to be. Even if I don't always fit in... I am grateful to have friends all over the world who know my heart and who I don't need to explain myself to. Even when I do lose my patience... I have no fear to apologize to my girls and show them that mama's are humans too filled with our own sets of faults. And through all those faults we are all perfect... in the moment, as it comes. Trusting that even when it is not in our control or understanding... everything happens for a reason.

It is a liberating feeling to let go of both self and external judgment... something I have never fully felt before and something I am cherishing for as long as it lasts. It took only 36-years to get here (smile)... and the guidance of two incredible little girls (not to mention amazing friends and the best husband in the world) along the way.

Rainbows

A beautiful rainbow caught outside our window... reminding me that some of the most beautiful things in life are rarely planned or controlled by us, but instead shine brightest when we least expect them... when we are most willing to let go... seeing more with our hearts than with our eyes.

the light, the colours... the magic of the moment

A friend of mine recently sent me this quote and i so enjoyed it, i wanted to share:
"In periods of rapid personal change, we pass through life as though we are spellcast. We speak in sentences that end before finishing. We sleep heavily because we need to ask so many questions as we dream alone. We bump into others and feel bashful at recognizing souls so similar to ourselves."
 ~ Douglas Coupland (Shampoo Planet)

the distance makes it harder...

This morning we went swimming with the girls. It was positively brilliant to watch them dancing in the water... both full of smiles and eager to take a leap of faith. Trusting completely that mama or papa will always be there to catch them if they need a little extra help... and simply enjoying the feeling of being in a body of water versus walking in air.

Anaïs happy in her boat

Isabel jumping into the water

In the afternoon, we went to celebrate the birthday of a good friend of both Isabel & Anaïs. All four of us had a delightful time sharing special moment with wonderful people, not to mention enjoying some delicious food. The girls were especially happy to be all dressed up as little princesses.

Princess Anaïs

Princess Isabel

As we finished off a beautiful day, ate dinner, put the girls to bed and went on with our evening ritual... we got some extremely sad news from home. Good friends of ours lost their twin babies - they were due less than a month after our due date with Little Plum (so she was five months pregnant). We suddenly felt so very, very far away from home... the geographical distance seemed to instantly translate into a distance from the day we had just experienced. And as I sit here and try to write out these words I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss - a deep sadness not only for our dear friends, but also for a complete sense of helplessness at living so far away... unable to do more than send thoughts of strength, courage and hope. Unable to offer any kind of physical or emotional support due to the space that separates our lives. It is in these moments that living abroad takes on a whole new meaning... as we live a life here and attempt to make it as complete as possible, we also are so very far apart from the life that we used to know at home. I suppose that there is no way to change that... no matter where we are living, there are always people who are not living in the same place. And perhaps once we leave Colombia we will feel this same loss (in fact, I am certain that we will... for friends like the one with whom we celebrated a princess birthday). The loss of their physical presence. The inability to be there during the tougher moments. Yet this news today has struck so deep that I find myself speechless and almost paralyzed in the face of it. All I want to do is get on a plane and fly home... to give my friends a hug. Not just support from afar... a real expression of human contact.

And so tonight, i light a candle for our friends... hoping that in some small way the energy of the flame helps to light their way as they move through their pain. And at the same time I find myself reflecting on all the losses and sadnesses that I have been so far away from over the years... hoping beyond hope that my intentions find their way to the hearts of the people I hold so dear... both near and far. Perhaps the candle is just as much for me as for them... a physical act of hope, of love, of faith.

three's a charm

I have always liked the number three... and today I am really hoping that I have just finished a round of personal invasions by finally reaching the number three!!! 

I. Robbed: This summer, while enjoying a fabulous vacation back in Canada, the home we were renting was robbed and my laptop computer was stolen. Of course, the most devastating part about it was the number of photos that we lost from the first year and a half of Anaïs's life (so if any of you have pictures i may have sent you over the last year or so... please send them our way). Thank goodness for the photos i have loaded up on the internet leaving me with memories of some of my favourite prints. The rest of the experience was really not that traumatic. To be honest, I found myself grateful that whoever robbed us did so in a relatively kind and non-invasive way. The home was not torn apart, and overall nothing that would have complicated our lives (like passports, etc) was stolen.

II. Invaded: On Monday of this week, my Facebook account was hacked. Someone figured out my password and decided it would be fun to go in and mess around with my account. A friend of mine sent me a text to let me know (as i don't check my FB that often)... when I entered the account everything was a mess. The person went into my emails (perhaps sent out messages?), engaged in chats with whoever happened to be on-line at the time, left unpleasant comments, and so on. Really, it was enough to make me want to shut down. Though again, while I miss some of the contact opportunities FB allowed me with family/friends who live in distant parts of the world... I was also somewhat happy to have an excuse to shutdown my account. It seemed like the only thing that made sense, as I did not feel I could safely engage with FB after this experience.

III. Cheated: This morning, a taxi driver took advantage of both my naïvety and 'gringo-ness' by convincing me that the amount of payment was significantly higher than the actual fare. It was amazing moving through the process of hearing the amount at the end of my drive, going through my wallet to try to find enough money, trying to explain to the taxi driver that I do not have enough to cover the bill, giving him all the money I had... and only then realized that the amount being asked was impossible (way to be gullible). So then I asked to confirm the amount, at which point the driver gave me back my money (or so i thought). Turns out he only returned some of my money from which I paid him the actual amount of the fare, got out of the cab and only as I placed the money in my wallet did I realize that he had not returned the full fare. I went back to his window and he denied keeping my money; he insisted it was a misunderstanding and that we he would be back to my house for the rest of the money I owed him. I felt totally paralyzed... I took down his license number and stood in the street in the middle of no where?!?! 

So, robbed, invaded and cheated... i do believe three's a charm and this is the end of the cycle. None of them serious altercations, and yet the one that left me feeling most vulnerable (and actually moved me to tears) was the taxi driver. Why? I have not yet figured out... perhaps it was that feeling of thinking that there was something I could have done differently: not paid him the amount he asked, questioned his sincerity before I gave him any money... but also the vulnerability of being in a foreign place and feeling a lack of control over the entire situation. Either way, I am happy it is all over.

(Post script: the taxi driver did come to my house the next day. Thankfully it was Saturday and Joshua went down to give him a few choice words... the idea was that someone from the taxi company was supposed to drive over to return my money, instead it was the taxi driver again insisting that he had not asked me for more than he was owed and that I never paid him a penny more than the actual fare). 

So now, I guess I can look forward with a sense of relief... knowing I've reached my 'three', feeling a little more cautious... but also unwilling (as usual) to let the few negative incidents shift my perspective of the world around me. In two cases, I can assume that the other party needed the money/items/etc more than me; in the other case, I just don't understand why people do the things they do... boredom I suppose. But in every case,  a lesson can be learned and a new direction taken. Always with a leap of faith... trusting that everything happens for a reason... no good luck or bad luck... just life.

Isabel's 4th Birthday

On September 10th Isabel turned four!!! It's amazing to think of all that we have lived and experienced in this time... in some ways the time has sped by like a rocket ship, and yet when i reflect on the memories I feel like the time has been so full. Four is right where we are all at... most of all her!! Now attending school, proudly wearing her big sister hat with Anaïs & eagerly anticipating the arrival of Little Plum.

We had several days filled with beautiful celebrations.
On Friday afternoon we were invited to bring treats/cake to Isabel's school to share with all her classmates. It was a treat beyond what we could have expected and only further reinforced our faith in the school Isabel spends her days at. The teachers prepared a beautiful space with four candles, four wooden blocks, a flag of Colombia, the date of Isabel's birth, and a picture of the sun. All of the children sat in a circle with Isabel near this magical space. In the centre there was a globe... Isabel was invited to take the sun and walk around the globe four times, marking each year of her life. As she passed each year a candle was lit to mark her 'birthdays'. We were also asked to bring photos of each year of Isabel's life and shared those with the entire class. Following some beautiful songs, the children were invited to say things that they wished for Isabel or that they wanted to tell her on this special day. The kids raised their hands one by one and each one said something sweet about Isabel... "you are my fabulous friend", "i love you very much", "i am so happy to know you"... little things that made her smile and feel ever more adored. And once the children finished both teachers said a few words that were so precious they make Joshua & I gush. Of course, then it was our turn and we also had to chime in with some pretty rhymes about our first born. Then, time for the cake... which isabel insisted to give out to each child herself... one by one!!! It took some time, but the smiles on everyone's faces were worth every effort. It was a beautiful hour.

Isabel with her teacher Nydia and classmates

Isabel over the years...

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On Saturday we had a larger celebration with some of Isabel's friends here in our building common room... and it too was better than we could have even expected. We decided to go 'a little Colombian' this year and hired two animators that came with a puppet show, face painting and even a minnie mouse suit  that was brought out for cake time!! I still baked the cake... isabel's annual request: chocolate with white icing and raspberries... for about 50 people!!! Fun was had by all... there was dancing, music, playing in the park, arts & crafts... and most importantly smiles on all of the kids faces (not to mention the adults).

Isabel with friends Simon (left), Luciana & Sara (right) enjoying the puppet show

The grin on Isabel's face was a permanent decoration

Anaïs also had a fabulous time

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On Sunday we relaxed... but not before opening all of the gifts (with all the activity of the prior two days there was no time to even think about the amazing and generous gifts everyone bombarded Isabel with this year). She savoured opening each one, placed them in a pile on the couch... and then throughout the day played with each toy giving it particular attention. The gifts have continued to provide us with hours of entertainment... and we were even more spoiled when some of you thought about getting special treats for Anaïs to ensure she did not feel left out (though isabel was more than happy to share what she got).

very excited to start opening all her gifts (with Anaïs looking on)

Wow... this girl was spoiled with amazing gifts. Thank you all!!

... and my first real bicycle!!!

All in all, a deliciously perfect weekend... the joy in Isabel's eyes confirming her happiness and reinforcing ours. Now on to another year for our 'big girl' princess.

The Magic of Birthdays...

Happy Birthday Mama... from Isabel!!

Happy Birthday Mama... from Anaïs!!

Oh Birthdays really are wonderful things... an opportunity to celebrate, to do whatever we want, to reflect on our lives... and to be so grateful for the myriad of blessings that is our life.
This year seemed like a particularly magical birthday for me... for the first time in years I felt completely no pressure to make my birthday public in any way, shape or form. I was surprised by the multitude for greetings and gifts that were bestowed upon me by friends and acquaintances (in particular the latter). The generosity of people around me never ceases to amaze me... in thought, word and action.
I began my day with a quiet moment for myself... even enjoying a shower (not always easy to manage when getting Isabel ready for school and keeping Anaïs equally occupied). Then after some fun playtime with Anaïs I went to teach a yoga class... in fact, the first yoga class I have taught formally in nearly two years. WOW!!! It was amazing. I had almost forgotten what I was missing and just how much I love to teach... and how much I love yoga. It felt like the perfect day to mark the start of another 365 days around the sun. The women in the class are magnificent, and I feel honoured to have the opportunity to guide them in their yoga practice for 1.5hours each week.
From that point on the day just got better... a beautiful reunion with Isabel as she got off the bus, an early arrival home by my husband with Chocolate Cake and Vanilla Ice Cream in hand. The girls were both full of smiles and my heart was filled with love and joy. The evening rounded out with a fire and some quality time with the man I love.
As I drifted off to sleep I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude... and a blissful anticipation for what lies ahead.

Yay for Birthdays!!!

First day of School

First day of School for Isabel... exhausted & happy!!!

On Monday August 23rd Isabel began her first day at 'big girl school'. She gets on the bus before 7am each morning, and does not get home until 3:30/4pm in the afternoon. It is a long day and seems to have taken more of an adjustment for us as parents than for her. She was jumping for joy as she ran for the bus... meanwhile J actually followed the bus to the school to ensure that she would be okay when she got off (of course, she hardly even turned back and was simply surprised to find her papa there as she arrived at school).
What has been most incredible for me about this experience is just how much Isabel has led her entire entry into 'outside education'. She decided when she was ready to start going to pre-school... and she engaged in the process without any hesitation. And then this summer she decided she was no longer interested in going to a pre-school... she was ready to be a 'big kid'. as she leads the process I find myself filled with so much awe at her confidence, excitement and thirst for experiencing new things.
The school itself is remarkable... it is a Montessori school based just outside the city, surrounded by hills, where she breathes fresh air all day. She loves her teachers and is making friends with everyone. Each time we have gone to visit we have been amazed at how calm and happy everyone seems to be. The school is truly dedicated to inspiring both self-respect and respect for others (and the world around); not to mention building confidence and encouraging self-initiative.

This is where Isabel goes to school.

Certainly Isabel is exhausted at the end of each day (she is only four)... but her joy and enthusiasm more than makes up for any of the more tender moments that tiredness brings. In the first week she even got to  go horseback riding on the school grounds... she was one of the few kids eager to get on a horse without any hesitation.

The transition has also been quite nice for Anaïs and I, as we get to enjoy some quality one-on-one time... which seems all the more precious to me as we anticipate the arrival of Little Plum.

All in all, it has been an incredible shift in our lives and one that we are all finding positive.

Ready for School - Day #2 (the smiles do not stop)