Photo Insert (March 10th):
Isabel & Anaïs celebrating turning 2.5years and one month (respectively)
with a sisterly snuggle
Today marks forty days since Anaïs arrived in our lives... before she was born I had intended to set this day to host a celebration of her life and a tribute to the new role Isabel has taken on as a big sister. And, a nice way to introduce Anaïs to our friends here in Bogota. But, as it happens, life had other plans. Following two blissful weeks of sleep and calm, the transition to a family of four began to show its challenges by the third week.
On sleep... I just don't know how people manage to have little babies who sleep through the night. While we have many blessings, this is just not one of them for us. By week three our perfect little sleeper... who would calmly fall asleep in her own bed and sleep for 3-4hour stretches, decided that it was time to shift gears. Now, she will no longer sleep in her crib... despite efforts to allow her to continue to do so. All I can say is thank heavens for slings. I am carrying Anaïs all day and she will fall into deep slumber in a sling for up to three hours - which gives me the opportunity to go our to the park with Isabel or read books with her; of course, with Anaïs sleeping in the sling. It definitely makes for long days. The nights are not as difficult since Anaïs will sleep in bed, but wakes up more frequently. Somehow, the theory of sleep does not match our reality.
On sharing... All of this change has, of course, had an impact on Isabel who seems to get no one-on-one time with mama anymore (i don't know what is worse... motherly guilt or her sad face when I cannot pick her up... though there are moments when i do my best to have both girls in my arms if necessary). Isabel is also not sleeping as well, waking up more often, and having more struggles than usual with ordinary things like bathtime, bedtime and meals. I will admit that sharing my time equally between two kids that seem to require me full-time is a huge transition. I know it is an opportunity for learning for all of us, but I also feel so overwhelmed at moments when I see that Isabel is struggling and there seems to be nothing I can do/offer to ease this change for her.
On advice and self-confidence... As usual, there is no shortage of wisdom and advice from books, websites, friends and strangers. So much of it is well-intentioned, and appreciated. Yet in those dark moments when sleep seems a mere mirage and the loneliness of motherhood descends upon my mind... all of the advice transforms into self-criticism. What am I doing wrong? What could I have done differently? It must be my fault.
An example: After two/three weeks of wonderful nursing, Anaïs began to lose her suction. This means she swallows a lot of air with each feed and in turn needs to be held upright for about 45-minutes to 1-hour after each feed as she lets the little air bubbles out. As I tried to seek out support on how to 'fix' this issue I read an abundance of different theories, one of which being that colic (she was also getting some abdominal pain) and gas are often a result of the over-supply of a mom's milk. So, the fact that I have too much milk is causing my daughter grief... argh!!! Either there is too little or too much... but somehow there must be some reason and this reason links back to the mom. So, not only am I feeling tired and overwhelmed, I am also feeling guilty that my body produces too much milk.
Just one of a myriad of examples that seem to rattle our self-confidence as moms. Yet, when I look at the parents I know and see the choices they make... I am always inspired by the wisdom that we each have within us if we just put all the books aside and stop second-guessing. Of course, this is much harder to apply than to say. At the core of my soul I know that we are the best possible parents for our kids and we need to follow our hearts/inner instincts; yet in those dark hours all I can do is doubt myself as a mom... thinking that I should have done something different (oh those terrible 'shoulds') and wishing that someone else could tell me that I am not completely messing up. Why oh why do we seek out so much external validation, when the only real validation comes from within?!?!
So, it is step by step and breath by breath... knowing this too shall pass (both the good and the ugly) so we must truly and faithfully enjoy each moment. Even if the moment does not fit into our 'expectations'.
On isolation... there is magic and strength in numbers. The sense of community that we can feel with others who are sharing similar values and experiences is indescribable. At the same time, the lack of this kind of support network can make ordinary things feel overwhelming. I had forgotten how very isolating certain aspects of motherhood can be. Things as simple as breastfeeding, sleeping patterns and toddler woes/bruises can become unmanageable burdens when we have too much time alone and not enough time with friends to keep us in balance. As blessed as we have been with a wonderful community here in Bogota, I spend my days completely isolated from any adult conversation... I walk with Anaïs in the sling, pausing only for feedings and diaper changes; I try to keep Isabel happy, stimulated and engaged; I even try to bake something from time to time. I don't share a similar language with the people around me... and most of my friends are out and about during the days without easy access to conversation. Joshua gets home at the end of the day exhausted from work and still manages to engage in play with Isabel and takes care of bedtime... he is a wonderful father. By the time he is free I am pacing the floor with Anaïs to get her to stay calm and ready for a night of sleep. Last week I barely exchanged more than a few words with another adult in English... and my Spanish is still not nuanced enough to actually communicate about the trials and exhilirations of motherhood. So, the isolation of this experience is striking me with much greater force than I ever expected. Before the baby arrives, we are showered with attention, and once the baby is here we often disappear into oblivion and self-critique.
On feeling positive... I will admit that I love being a mom. I love the highs and the lows... for I know that each challenge is one that teaches me to be a better, kinder, more patient individual. And despite the minor roadblocks, the love that I feel for my children seems to have no end. But none of this can eliminate the fact that children do not make a woman... and being a mother means facing some of our deepest fears and realizing our imperfections on an hourly basis (if not more often). To do this we need our friends and we need community.
For me, it is also about being present in this very moment. I am so very lucky to have the tools to face this time with grace... I have my yoga, my breathing, and even from a distance, my many dear friends. It also means about eliminating the shoulds and living from the inside out. Trusting that which is inside us above that which comes from the outside. It is about letting our emotions be what they are right now... without fear and without judgment. It is about appreciating that each moment is exactly what it is meant to be... living it, accepting it, not trying to change it. Just as we live, we birth and we parent, so...
Let go and relax... when you are calm, you feel the whole universe of happiness rocking gently beneath your consciousness ~ Paramahansa Yogananda.
On learning and teaching... It is also about giving ourselves permission to feel what we feel... sadness, anger, disappointment, fear... and loving that emotion good or bad. Just as we do for our children. Or, perhaps that is also one of the learnings. So often we try to 'control' the emotional experiences of our kids... expecting that that should feel or behave a certain way in any given situation, getting frustrated (or embarassed) when our child has a tantrum. Yet, don't we all feel like having a tantrum sometimes? As adults we become much better at being discrete and nuanced with our emotions. Yet children are always real, in this moment. We can teach them to change the way they express certain things... but perhaps we need to be careful not to deny them the ability to express in the first place... for in doing so, we deny ourselves this same privilege.
On symmetry... Anaïs was born on the 10th day of February, as her father was born on the 10th of July and her sister on the 10th of September. Anaïs marks the fifth granddaughter for Steve & Mallory, following a generation of five sons (so the gender imbalance has now come full circle). Anaïs was born nine days early, at nine in the morning, in the year 2009.
On balance... There are definitely many challenges to be faced when moving from a family of three to four -- for the parents, for the older sibling, and of course the new world being faced by the new child. Yet there is also a remarkable sense of balance that arises... for us, it is as if Anaïs was always meant to be here. And while she may not be the perfect sleeper and we are having trouble with breastfeeding and I cannot put her down for a moment... her disposition is calm and full of grace. She seems to exude peace and bring it upon the room when she is present. Her sister, on the other hand, is a spark that lights up the space around her. And while she struggles with sharing her parents, she seems to have gained a whole new confidence for performing since her sister arrived... showering us with songs, silly faces and creative costumes for show (not to mention the dramatic performances when getting dressed, ready for bed, meals or bathtime)!! even the gifts people have showered our girls with reflect their unique impressions on the world... when Isabel was born she received notes of donations made to various foundations around the world, whereas Anaïs is being offered pretty dresses and organic outfits. The two girls are so different... and yet offer each other (and us) a complete sense of equilibrium.
Dearest Patrycja: I read your reflexions with joy, as you are always so inspirational. I wish you strength in your time of transition and hope you find peace and support with the community in Bogota. You know that you pave the road for me (a late bloomer, miles behind you). So I look up at the horizon, see you and wave. I am learning from you.
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