forgiveness

Today, Isabel taught me about the strength, simplicity and ease of forgiveness... in a way that only a three year old could. I have found our re-adjustment to life in Colombia much more difficult than I had expected... I guess being home with family/friends this summer was a reminder of the community of support that we have... and especially as a stay-at-home-mom, it is much more difficult ot find that same kind of connectivity in a 'far away land'. I am slowly easing into our life and finding a small network of women with shared views on life, parenting and everyday escapades. This is certainly helping; and doing it for what feels like the 'second time around' I remember how time helps me settle into this new reality. However, the challenges of creating a 'home away from home' have further emphasized the pitfalls (and joys) brought about along the journey of motherhood and having two young children demanding my all. The girls seem to both give me my biggest highs, and also at times drain more energy and patience than I think I am capable of offering. Yet, in the end, it is always a lesson... an opportunity for growth, and expansion of love. And this morning was no exception... I found myself losing my patience with Isabel as she demanded more and more attention at a moment when I was trying to focus on nursing Anais. When suddenly the counting stopped worked and my breathing seemed to come to a halt and my patience was left behind in the dust somewhere between reason and emotion. In this moment, it was me acting like an immature two year old wanting everything to be as I wanted, rather than simply as it was. As the tone of my voice shifted and my tolerance seemed to disappear, I saw my temperament reflect back at me through the eyes of my three year old daughter as her smile dropped and her face expressed sadness. She ran out of the room without a word. I was able to feed Anais and settle her to sleep (so, i guess i got what i wanted - i gained some sense of control over the situation), but my heart felt heavy and I knew that I could have handled that differently. As soon as I put Anais in her crib I walked over to Isabel's room... she looked at me still with a hint of sadness. It told her I was sorry... I didn't really know what else to say cuz an explanation seemed meaningless and pointless. She acknowledged my apology with a hug and said: "It's okay mama. We can work on being patient together." She paused, and then looked at me again: "Do you want to play?" And with that, she moved on. No harboured emotions, no lengthy explanations. It was simply a bad moment, a lack of judgement... but it was over. The feelings were acknowledged and now we could move on and be in the moment again. Forgiveness... pure, simple, clear.