choices...

Isabel reflecting on something for a moment

Everyday we make choices... big ones, small ones, unconscious ones, alert ones, creative ones, mundane ones... choices, choices, choices. Sometimes we do not even realize we are making a choice as we move through from one moment to another, from one sensation to the next. Sometimes the choices seem to overwhelm us and we get lost in the details and lose any sense of perspective on the choice we are actually making. Some choices need to happen instantly and there is not time to think... we act, and then (if we have the time/inclination) we reflect later. At these moments we might hope that it is our instincts that are guiding us to making our choice and we can be happy with our decision. Or perhaps there are other drivers... habits, fears, illusions.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the choices we make that we don't even think about. The choices that live underneath the surface and yet make us who we are and how we are in the world.

One of the challenges of parenting is trying to make the best choices we can... not just for ourselves anymore, but for our children too. The choices we think through offer us time to consider the pros and cons, and to reflect on what biases might be influencing our tendencies to move in one direction or another. Yet, it's the choices that go unnoticed that are giving me pause at this moment. I have found myself wondering why I react a certain way, why I lose my patience far more often than I would like, why my tension might escalate in one direction or another in any given situation. I know that lack of sleep does not help me stay present in these moments... and yet, it also seems like an illusion to the real reason why I might react in one way or another.

The other day, Isabel and I were having a wonderful time at the park. We started walking home and she was telling me about something... when I did not clearly understand what she was saying she got frustrated and exploded into tears. We took a moment and I after she calmed down a little I asked her what happened? She said that she did not know... all of a sudden she just could not control herself. In that moment I felt a deep insight into something that is such common sense... we react, we do not always have the facilities to think about, our emotions take over... and yet, one of the huge treasures of being human is that we have a choice.

So, since this moment, I have placed a conscious challenge upon myself to do my best to think before I react... especially with my children. In the moment when chaos seems to reign, everyone is exhausted, we are rushing out for school... or any multiple reasons for why things don't go as we 'expect'... it is easy to lose perspective. And yet, I know (when I am not in that moment) that I can take a breath and let the emotions run their course... and then react consciously, rather than automatically. It is my goal, my hope to do this more... breathing in i calm myself, breathing out... i smile.

As i finish writing this it feels more like a 'diary entry' than a blog post... and yet i feel inspired to share it. Perhaps it's the publicity of it that makes me feel more compelled to commit to my resolve to be more present, more patient and more conscious... to laugh more and to worry less.