choices...

Isabel reflecting on something for a moment

Everyday we make choices... big ones, small ones, unconscious ones, alert ones, creative ones, mundane ones... choices, choices, choices. Sometimes we do not even realize we are making a choice as we move through from one moment to another, from one sensation to the next. Sometimes the choices seem to overwhelm us and we get lost in the details and lose any sense of perspective on the choice we are actually making. Some choices need to happen instantly and there is not time to think... we act, and then (if we have the time/inclination) we reflect later. At these moments we might hope that it is our instincts that are guiding us to making our choice and we can be happy with our decision. Or perhaps there are other drivers... habits, fears, illusions.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the choices we make that we don't even think about. The choices that live underneath the surface and yet make us who we are and how we are in the world.

One of the challenges of parenting is trying to make the best choices we can... not just for ourselves anymore, but for our children too. The choices we think through offer us time to consider the pros and cons, and to reflect on what biases might be influencing our tendencies to move in one direction or another. Yet, it's the choices that go unnoticed that are giving me pause at this moment. I have found myself wondering why I react a certain way, why I lose my patience far more often than I would like, why my tension might escalate in one direction or another in any given situation. I know that lack of sleep does not help me stay present in these moments... and yet, it also seems like an illusion to the real reason why I might react in one way or another.

The other day, Isabel and I were having a wonderful time at the park. We started walking home and she was telling me about something... when I did not clearly understand what she was saying she got frustrated and exploded into tears. We took a moment and I after she calmed down a little I asked her what happened? She said that she did not know... all of a sudden she just could not control herself. In that moment I felt a deep insight into something that is such common sense... we react, we do not always have the facilities to think about, our emotions take over... and yet, one of the huge treasures of being human is that we have a choice.

So, since this moment, I have placed a conscious challenge upon myself to do my best to think before I react... especially with my children. In the moment when chaos seems to reign, everyone is exhausted, we are rushing out for school... or any multiple reasons for why things don't go as we 'expect'... it is easy to lose perspective. And yet, I know (when I am not in that moment) that I can take a breath and let the emotions run their course... and then react consciously, rather than automatically. It is my goal, my hope to do this more... breathing in i calm myself, breathing out... i smile.

As i finish writing this it feels more like a 'diary entry' than a blog post... and yet i feel inspired to share it. Perhaps it's the publicity of it that makes me feel more compelled to commit to my resolve to be more present, more patient and more conscious... to laugh more and to worry less.

Thanksgiving... Giving Thanks!!

Sometimes life seems to go exactly according to plan. Our expectations are met at every turn and curve in the road, and nothing seems impossible. At these moments it is almost easy to be filled with a sense of gratitude and true contentment with our lives. After all, everything is going just as we want it to be. Yet, how do we maintain this feeling of thankfulness when things do not go as we imagined... whether in little ways, huge ways or tragic ones. How to we keep hope, joy and gratitude alive when we are moving through emotions of pain, or simply finding it difficult to wake up in the mornings, or just bothered by something around us (at work, at home, in our community).
Thanksgiving is one of my favourite holidays... not because I am well aware of it's history or context, but because I love the name that it has been given. I love that, at least in theory, it is about bringing people together to give thanks. Taking a moment to reflect on our blessings; to recognize that no matter what we may want/have/need... there is always something to be grateful for. And in finding our source of inner gratitude, opening up to that part of ourselves that can embrace accepting the flow of life... perhaps controlling a little less, and letting flow a little more.

the little cow whispering secrets to the green faery

As we celebrated another Thanksgiving away from home and family, I found myself tremendously grateful for the opportunities living abroad has given to our family... of course all of the easily recognizable things like learning a new language, embracing a different culture/way of life, expanding our community, trying new things, meeting some phenomenal people along the way (some passing through, and others leaving permanent footprints on our hearts), learning about ourselves through the challenges and luxuries of this life, and so on. Yet the part that filled me with an abundant feeling of true grace was reflecting on the time together as an immediate family unit. The gift I have received of being able to be at home with my girls, the evenings (when available) of time shared with my husband, the times we have carved out to do things together... without distraction.
At the same time, I also found myself reflecting on some of the challenges, not only in our daily lives, but of our friends (both near and far), and of people all over the world facing immense hardships for reasons that we cannot seem to fully understand. And it was this thought pattern that led me to pause and really think about what it means to be thankful. Sometimes it is so easy to get caught up in things not going according to 'plan' (our personal plan); so easy to get frustrated at the people around us, specific situations, and even ourselves. These seem to be the little things that get in the way of us embracing gratitude. So often, even today, I find myself guilty of these kind of patterns. So easily allowing my mind and then emotional state to wander into frustration, rather than simply letting go and being okay with the situation at hand. Knowing that everything passes and everything changes. Letting gratitude, rather than control, guide my way.

Then there are the tragedies... personal, professional, natural devastations. Things that are completely out of our control and yet spin our life into a pattern of uncertainty. Shaking our faith in all that we know, all that we trust, all the we believe in. This is the part that feels even more complicated for me. How do we find grace in moments of sheer devastation? And yet, as I look more deeply (with my heart, not just my eyes), it is often these moments in time that allow the most beautiful parts of the human spirit to shine. Somehow, in the face of struggle our heart has an opportunity to open (or perhaps 'break open'). And in that opening we let go of the faces we try to hold and we simply are... nothing more than a human spirit trying to get through the day. I feel like I have most recently witnessed this with a good friend who is going through an incredibly devastating personal, physical and emotional ordeal. And yet in this process, despite her entire foundation being shaken to the core, she is still managing to find a way to let her light shine, to find blessings in the tragedy. The days are not easy, and often darkened with tears... yet her heart has stayed alive... alive to the pain, and to the possibilities. I am in awe of her words (sent from afar), and I am inspired by her self reflection to look even more closely... at human response to natural disasters around the world. People finding a way to show grace, no matter what their predicament.

And so, it is in the spirit of gratitude, that I give thanks today.... the multiple blessings in my life, and for the ability of people all over the world to find their own personal source of thanksgiving.

as if overnight...

Anaïs staring out as the merry-go-round spins!!

In the past couple of days it seems as if Anaïs has transformed her communication to include real words. She has always been incredibly clear, and her complete understand of both Spanish & English (and some Polish) has been astounding (not just to me as her mama, although i do admit I am biased). However, while she was always happy to repeat a word as we read books, she never felt any need or shown much desire to incorporate words into her daily exchanges with us or the rest of the world. And suddenly, as if overnight, she has started to use words independently and coupled in pairs. The other night as we sat on the couch looking out the window she said: "Look mama, moon." My jaw nearly dropped and she was filled with glee at my surprise... so she proceeded to point and say: "Moon, on" (as if someone had turned on the moonlight in the sky). It was a precious moment as we gazed up at a crescent moon together and she cheerfully tried out more and more words... moving from a collection of barely recognizable syllables (that I am certain were mimicking words, but never with enough consistency to keep track) to playing with all sorts of sounds that actually resembled words in the English and Spanish language (and even a couple Polish words, as she asked me to sing our little lullaby by saying: "ah, Koki" - meaning 'kotki' translated into cats).

Isabel & Mavi going down the slide... happy to be together in the sunshine, celebrating Mavi's 3rd Birthday!!!

On the very same night, Isabel also managed to fill my heart with a smile as she hugged me endlessly before bed. Finally, in an attempt to lure her to curl up to sleep, I said: "You are giving me so many wonderful hugs, make sure you save some for Groovy & Sleepytime" (her current sleep companions). To which she casually replied, "It's okay mama, I won't run out... I make hugs in my sleep." I could not help but laugh, as she cuddled up with her 'babies' and drifted off to sleep.

It's been another wonderful start to our weekend... a lovely play-date with good friends on Friday morning, a baby shower for a good friend on Saturday (early afternoon) followed by a birthday party for one of Isabel & Anaïs's good friends Mavi, a fun breakfast with friends on Sunday morning at the Italian Club... all days filled with sunshine, so good for the soul!! And tomorrow we are looking forward to hosting a small wine & cheese with the embassy folks who are around to celebrate Thanksgiving. There is definitely no shortage of things to be grateful for... though right now, my thanks is quite simple: the girls are in bed and I have some time to get things ready for tomorrow... off to the kitchen I go!!!

a perfect family weekend

We never really know what each day has in store... and some days pass by faster than others (something Isabel reminded me of the other day when she was reflecting on how some days at school seem so much shorter than others). And as we were talking before bed on Thursday she excitedly said: "Tomorrow is Friday, and then we have two days of rest." She paused for a moment to say: "Let's not do anything this weekend... just be together and relax." A sentiment I think we all shared as we had just come off a string of a full month of back to back birthdays with at least two or three celebrations each weekend. As fun as they all were, there really was no time to just 'do nothing' and refuel the batteries.

Anaïs & Isabel taking a little 'reading break' from their morning yoga instruction.

On Saturday morning Isabel & Anaïs led a yoga class with mama - pausing for a 'reading break' every once in a while. They were excited to teach the class and insisted on me following their poses; as they each took turns leading us in a posture or series.

Isabel dancing with her reflection in the fireplace glass wearing her new faery outfit.

In the afternoon we took the girls for a swim (one of their favourite activities). Isabel is now jumping in fearlessly (even without her wings), and we tried the wings on Anaïs who promptly swam off in a doggie paddle (one of the benefits of being the second child... she learns so much just by watching her big sister)!!
Of course, this being Bogotá in October, as we left the house the sun was shining so we decided to walk... and within minutes got caught in a huge rainfall walking to the pool (thank goodness we have learned to always be prepared with umbrellas and extra clothes)!!
As the swim, we went out for an early dinner at one of our favourite little restaurants: Wok. Then for ice-cream (vanilla for Isabel, chocolate for Anaïs) at Crepes & Waffles. And rounded it off with some playtime at a little indoor amusement park at the local mall. We walked home all feeling tired and happy. Once home, Isabel insisted on a night-time drive (something her papa had promised her the night before)... so we did a bath, changed the girls into pyjamas, packed up some snacks and off for a drive around the city. A deliciously relaxing day.

Trying to ride in a straight line at Ciclovia.
Check out all the bikes in the background.

The next day we took Isabel for her first bike ride on ciclovia - a Bogotá tradition whereby some of the main roads close (or partially close) on Sundays and holidays (7am-2pm) to create a space for people to take walks, ride bikes and enjoy the fresh air. Isabel was all smiles riding her bike next to papa.  Isabel was so happy to just get to ride along... and we had to keep reminding her to ride in a straight line. She was just to excited to even concentrate riding freely. Oh the magic of childhood... no rules, no fears, just the freedom to be in the moment with her experience!!!

Isabel with a permanent smile on her face.

Anaïs enjoying a yummy watermelon
as we took a quick picnic break.

On the way home I went to pick up some groceries to make pumpkin cupcakes, and the girls went with papa to pick up some local flowers!

Five sunflowers in a row...

... hiding Isabel, what a show!!

We finished the day with a visit from two dear friends, football (after all, it is Sunday!!) and yummy pizza. Delightful. I share all this to offer you a little glimpse into our lives... and really, a way for me to celebrate the things that bring us the most joy: time with each other, enjoying whatever the day has in store. It truly is a blessing to recognize just how much we love just to be together!!

Wow... these sunflowers are taller than me!!!

Still a weirdo...

"Now I know... I took for granted that things would always go the way I wanted... I was going to be a treetop, a sea..."
"I don't always get it right... but a thousand different ways and I just might..."

Isn't it amazing how often a song, a book, a photography, a painting... any form of art... speaks to us and resonates in a way that we never even expected. A good friend living on the other side of the ocean sent me a link to this song in 'celebration of freedom'... freedom from the forces that surround us which bring us down, penetrate our minds, move us to question our own motivations and sometimes even give up our dreams. This song reminds me exactly of how I felt for the last year, our second year living abroad... very much a weirdo.

It's also made me reflect on all the things that make me feel like a weirdo, and come to a realization that it is these things that make me who I am. Rarely feeling a need to shift others in my direction; but often wishing for a little more acceptance in every direction.

Still a Weirdo by KT Tunstall


Now, as I look back on the last year, I feel so grateful for doing the things I believe in... even if they did at times make me feel 'weird'. Knowing that I won't always get it right, so many of us don't... and yet knowing even more deeply that this is all part of the growing, the learning and the joy of being human.

So to all of you who may sometimes feel like weirdos... how perfect you are just as the person you are. This truly is a little jingle to laugh about the insecurities and celebrate finding our own way. And for me, as I look forward, a celebration of feeling free and truly embracing all my 'weirdo-ness'.

Snow in Bogotá??!!

This afternoon Anaïs & I went out for a walk... as we walked outside we watched the sky turn black. The air was warm and it was oddly still. We were planning a little play in the park, but as the daylight continued to disappear I began to wonder if we were in the calm before the storm. We slowly began to head back home, enjoying the warm air and the peacefulness that seemed to surround us.

in my hand a little snow will fall

We walked into our building and by the time the elevator door opened upstairs we were greeted by a full on hailstorm outside our window with enormous pellets of ice beating against the walls and windows of our apartment. It was an incredible transition from the stillness we had experienced as we were outside just moments before.

positively captivated by the ice pellets

Of course, the girls were both fascinated by the ice... and we went outside for about an hour. First making 'snowballs' and tossing them in the puddles, then searching for ice pellets in the grass, warming up hands, and having fun exploring this whole new side of Bogotá weather.

throwing snowballs

If I remember correctly, the last time we had 'snow' in Bogotá was four days after Anaïs was born - Feb 14, 2009. It was so incredible to see the grass here covered in patches of white... and the feeling of awe was equally captivating... even if it only lasted for a moment.

cold hands on belly

warming hands up under her sweater

Photography & Art

I find photography to be the most fulfilling and exciting form of self-expression I have yet to discover for myself. I adore watching the world around me... and most of all, I love capturing moments on film. My passion is fuelled by moving subjects and living art... so I focus on people, places... and always work in natural light.

This was one of my favourite pieces at the art show... i loved the dance of the figure on the horse and how everything seems to just melt into the next... the distinctions becoming blurred.

Last weekend, a friend of mine asked me to take some pictures of artwork that she was displaying as part of a special Venezuelan Art Exhibition. She launched her Art Gallery a few years ago when she became passionate about various pieces and artists she discovered living in Venezuela. I don't know that I have ever encountered a woman with such an incredible eye for beautiful things... and even more for selecting art that has not only a lasting presence, but that has such wide public appeal. She has managed to convert her hobby into a business (or as she says: a way to support her addiction). And in the process she is turning me (and many others) into art-lovers. She has the perfect personality for her trade... as she does not seem to second guess herself. She sees something beautiful and she buys it... she trusts her gut and her first impression... and she allows herself to grow in the process. It is almost magical to witness the explosion of energy that seems to arise straight from her heart as she describes a particular art piece, the story behind it, and the artist him/herself.

My favourite photo... i love the figures in the art on the wall, the painting darkened in the distance, and the image of Eliana looking on with intense connection. The three aspects seem to go together with immense ease.

The specific exhibit I was photographing was of Bruno García; his art is extremely powerful, passionate and profound... almost spiritual in nature.

Bruno García - the passion comes from the man, as it translates into the art.

The photography adventure began on Friday evening with a  gala event at her home, followed by a few days of private viewing, with the artist here for the entire process.

Two art lovers set to the scene of Bruno's paintings.

The experience of translating paintings into photographs was something completely new to me... and yet it captured my attention immensely. Perhaps it was the process of creating a 'connection' between one medium of expression and another that I found so fascinating. After all, this is what I love doing... creating connections and finding ways to 'bring together' things that often do not seem to naturally move together. Though both paint and photography are a form of art and expression, the distance between them is not so great... yet as I looked at the paintings, I found myself attempting to understand the essence of each piece. and then as I gazed through my lens, I tried to capture this essence in a  photograph... knowing that I could not transfer the texture, knowing that light and reflection would be mitigating factors in transforming the painted form into a photograph... knowing that really, i knew nothing about this kind of photography. And yet feeling so inspired by the process that it let me work straight from my heart.

One guest at the evening gala seeking more information on the artist.

The next day, I could not wait to look through the pictures... and found myself dancing with the images as I played with them. I am neither an expert, nor a professional when it comes to photography... and most of my pictures are as they are... raw in their expression without any photoshop. After all, they are usually photos of my children, my family, my friends, the landscape that surrounds me/us... and sometimes celebrations of friends. This was different, and I feel honoured to have been asked to take on such an adventure. Now I am eager to take even more pictures because as I looked through them I already saw how I might have framed something differently... and i guess the next step is to actually fill my home with some artwork too, not just photographs hanging on my walls... but actual pieces of art. Thanks for making an art lover out of me!!!!!

And for those of you who have been asking... a photo of me, my belly, and my good friend due just a few days after me.