Betrayed... cease & desist!

I have been asked to remove my story (entitled "Betrayed") in which I expressed some of my feelings of pain and betrayal as a result of the breakdown of the marriage between my mother and Julian. A few months after sharing my thoughts, I received the following Cease and Desist order from Julian's lawyer. I have been advised that Julian does not actually have a real case against me, since i never stated any false statements of fact, but rather shared my own feelings and impressions. However, I do not want this to be yet another a distraction that Julian can use to hide from the facts of the case. 

My hope is that wherever this road leads us, the truth will find it's way to the surface.

sometimes...

Anaïs has three positively adorable expressions right now... two of which are just one word, and the third is a way of self-coping with a bump or boo-boo that stills my heart.

Walking to the beat of her own drum.

Anytime she has a minor bump or bruise (which happens far more often than I can keep up)... she will pause for a moment to give it a kiss, and then say: "fly away boo-boo". And back to playing she goes!!

One of Anaïs's most popular words is "sometimes...". She adds it at the end, beginning and middle of nearly everything she says and does.
"The bag falls... sometimes"
"Accident happens... sometimes"
"Like water cold... sometimes" (in fact, most of the time she much prefers water at room temperature or warm; totally opposite from her sister and little brother)
"Me funny... sometimes"
"Leo eat finger... sometimes" (both his own finger, and Anaïs's when it's close to his mouth)
"Me nervous... sometimes"
"Sister silly... sometimes"
"Popsicle fall... sometimes"

What is especially adorable is the body language that goes along with this one simple word.  She tilts her head to one side, while nodding, crinkles her nose, tightens her brow, hands raised bent at the elbows (as if shrugging her arms) and smiles... as if saying: "it doesn't happen all the time... you know what i mean"

Her other very common word is "matter"... as in "it doesn't matter". And again comes with it's own expressive facial and body cues that include a slight shake of the head and raised shoulder to clearly let you know exactly what she means. I do believe she could be a performer one day.
"Shirt wet... matter"
"Spill floor wipe... matter" (aka: something spilled on the floor, but we can wipe it up... it doesn't matter)
"Bracelet fall, pick up... matter"

*****

Isabel and Anaïs cuddling with Leo while I led the mom & baby yoga class this morning.

Last night, I was reading a lovely blog entry by a friend of mine, where she writes:

"Sometimes motivation is the name of the game and I feel like I am on fire and magically get things done." ~ Annie Bananie

And as I read these words I realized this is exactly how I feel about parenting. Sometimes, everything just flows... I am in tune with my kids, my instincts seem to be spot on, I am able to be exactly what I need to be to each one of my little angels (and my husband, and even myself)... the day/hour/moment flows with ease. In these times I honestly do feel as if I am magically getting it all right as a mama (and as a wife).
Other times, it's as if everything seems to go wrong. Try as I might, I fall out of tune. I get the shirt stuck as I try to pull if off of Anaïs's head and she starts to cry. A hug does not soothe her. The girls want these same toy at the same time. The concept of taking turns flies out the window. The details rarely matter... there is a spark and it ignites into a flame that I do not know how to tame. It is usually more about my own reaction and state of affairs than anything else. The spark is most often just a normal, ordinary event in the life of a toddler and pre-schooler. All I know is that in those moments I feel lost, and usually I feel completely inept as a mama... not to mention exhausted, lacking patience and wondering if I will ever figure it out.

And then, there are the days when everything falls into place magically... for in those moments it truly does feel like magic. Today was one of those days. The girls were happy. Leo is chugging along. Even when there was a minor blip, I felt equipped to cope... my responses were accepted by my kids, nothing turned into a bigger deal than it was, life was good.

Isabel trying to keep Anaïs from walking across the street 'by self' (another favourite term as Anaïs insists on doing EVERYTHING by herself)

Whatever it is that makes one day flow and the other stumble... I suppose this is simply the reality of conscious parenting. There will always be the good days... and the not so good days (to remind me of how much I really appreciate the good ones). And all I can do is embrace them for what they are, giving myself time for a pause and breath when I need it. And simply enjoying the moment whatever it has to offer... lesson, joy or opportunity.

livin' it... as it comes

Parenting is an adventure. Honestly, if someone had told me how deep I would need to dig for patience; how often I would question my choices; how completely undone my foundation would become (only to grow new roots all over again); how completely exhausted I would be... and how much I would love despite it all, or perhaps because of it. Well, if someone had told me how hard parenting really is when I was pregnant with Isabel... I honestly would not have believed it.
There are so many moments in every single day that make me question whether I am really cut out for this job. Whether I can give each one of my children the care and unique environment they require to flourish, to be happy, to be exactly who they want to be... the best that they can be. On days when I am especially tired and worn out, I can so easily find myself slip off the path... the tension and insecurities bubbling up inside of me; the doubts about whether I can be enough (whatever that really means). More often than not, it is ME who needs the time out. A moment to step away, take a few breaths and engage anew in the reality that is before me.
So, while I muddle through the challenges and push myself to grow in ways that I never expected... I savour the moments that make my heart sing: the interactions between my kids, the capacity they have to love (each other and the world around them), their ability to laugh (and make the world laugh with them), their ability to be, their ability to see everything so clearly, so simply...

These are the moments that I cherish. These are the moments that give me strength to get through all the other ones...

Isabel and Anaïs and Leo never cease to amaze me in their curiosity and enthusiasm. In the way they can adore each other... not all the time, but oh so very often. I burst with gratitude, love and excitement. Below, a couple moments to cherish and remember... for this week.

Isabel & Anaïs enjoying a little 'sister' (aka partner) yoga. They end up teaching me more than I do them as we go through the routines and they make up their own creative poses... always with good deep breathing, a lot of laughter, and a good dose of flexibility training.

Like every two year old, Anaïs has her moments... but the enthusiasm with which she embraces her little brother is completely disarming. Here she was telling him secrets and singing songs... loving it that he was reaching out to hold her hand.

Betrayed.

Everything is an illusion. ~ Julian Wassersztrum

This illusion is my reality. ~ Krystyna Schwartz

I can see clearly now... the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way...
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun shining day.

I have been struggling to find a way to express this story, this experience... to put into words something that I cannot seem to articulate... to comprehend behaviours that make no sense to me... to speak of truths that are muddled in lies. And as I try to find my voice, I get lost in my silence. A deep silence that has been interrupted by moments of pure emotion, a few words strung together into metaphors, and in the most safe of spaces some actual details shared and discussed. The raw energy that is my state of mind seems to be stuck in a space between reality and illusion.
I am stunned, confused, hurt, sad, betrayed. I feel as if stung by an elusive bee. I can feel the burn of the stinger setting into my skin, inflaming my flesh. Yet I do not know when it happened or how it got there. The bee is gone. My skin is swollen and raw from the invasion.
Despite the poison of the sting swimming through my body, I am kept present by the most beautiful distractions in the eyes of my children. Nothing numbs the pain more acutely than their smiles and their amazing ability to pull me away from my swirling thoughts into the magic of a beautiful, ordinary day.
I would like to believe that my silence is a way to give space to the wonderful aspects of my life, rather than dwell on the venom inflicted by a man who does not even have the decency to know his own grandchildren. Though that is only a half-truth, for even in my verbal silence, my mind still gives unrelenting space to trying to unravel the details: far more space than I care to admit.

I found the one whom my soul loves. ~ Song of Solomon 3:4

The story begins as a fairy tale. Two lovers reunite... high school sweethearts torn apart by circumstance of history, brought together by events that seem orchestrated by the hand of God. An airport reunion, a single white rose; everyone is swept away in the beauty of this moment. Less than a year later wedding bells make it official, and a new home unfolds together.

Is it naïve of me to believe that when one decides to marry, one also accepts the responsibility to care for and cherish their life partner? Perhaps this is a mere hope, yet it is one that shapes my thoughts about marriage. If not this, than why get married? No matter what faith or circumstance bonds two people together, the underlying foundation must be built on trust, hope and love. And so with this belief, two people I know and love began to build their life together. They shared all their known belongings, they supported each others dreams, they blossomed in each others arms.

From this day forward, you shall not walk alone.

My heart will be your shelter. And my arms will be your home.

~ Author unknown

She sold her home. She entrusted all of her funds into their mutual investments. She gave her heart freely. She gave her all. He went back to school. He followed his dreams. He began to build a new career. He created a new life. She supported him without reservation... financial or otherwise. They laughed together. They lived together. They loved together. They dreamed together. They held their future in the palm of their hands. They enjoyed the moment as it unfolded before their eyes. With the support of his bride his career blossomed. He was a success. There was one daughter (hers). He wanted to adopt her... yet she already had a father (perhaps in heaven, but he existed). The daughter got married, she had children of her own... their grand-children. His professional life flourished. She began to plan for retirement. They planned together. Life was good.

All is well... until you know differently.

Twelve years came and went, and everything seemed to shimmer in diamonds and gold. Until the shine began to wear off, and beneath the sparkle lay corruption and betrayal. A panicked email to her daughter: "I need your help. There is a personality conflict. Can you please talk to him?" The daughter speculated something at work. She was concerned about the situation, yet completely unaware of what was actually happening. She tried to call several times with no success. Two weeks later, the daughter receives an email dated on October 31, 2010 to let her know he is moving out on November 1, 2010. WHAT?!?! He has rented an apartment. He needs time to reflect, time to find himself. The daughter is in disbelief, yet understanding. She believes that everyone deserves happiness. She wants what is best for him. She believes he is telling the truth. The daughter offers her support. In her heart, she keeps a glimmer of hope. She asks that he is considerate given their current state of affairs. He gives his word. The daughter turns her attention to her own mother... knowing that this has likely devastated her world beyond belief. It has. The mother, the wife, the one left behind... she is heartbroken... literally. She is a mere shadow of herself, both physically and emotionally. Her entire world has been torn apart. The daughter offers unconditional love and a space of healing. The daughter holds faith that these two souls who seemed so perfectly matched may find their way back to each other.


And then, the truth begins to unfold. There is no time for reflection. There is another woman, a mutual friend with whom they shared dinners together. The desire to 'find himself' simply implied moving out of one woman's home into the arms of another... without any honesty in the process. The month he moves out, he buys a new Mercedes Benz for the new love of his life. He puts it in her name so as to conceal the money. Prior to this, he spent months withdrawing large portions of savings from the mutual accounts (of the woman he had claimed to love for over 12-years) and transferred them into his own name. 


He left his wife emotionally broken, and financially distressed. He walked out of her life, and into a new one in the same way he had arrived a decade earlier... cutting all ties, demonizing his past, and entering a new world as if it were a stage and he a mere actor with no emotions or conscience to bind him to his commitments. He did not even have the human decency to find out about the grand-child born just one month later to the girl he said he wanted to adopt as his own. His past no longer existed to him. As if this was not enough, he managed to prepare himself legally to hide all of his earnings (in a company her daughter encouraged him to set up) and to lay claim to half of everything that was left from their marriage. Suddenly, this was not just about finding happiness. The conversation moved into the realm of money, consumption, and greed. Had he been planning this all along? Was this all an illusion?


He entered the marriage with nothing. He left his old life behind with just the shirt on his back (or so he claimed). Financially, she offered everything. A home inherited from her previous husband who died far too young. Financial security her late husband had left for his wife and his daughter. Her late husband had always said he wanted this to be for their future. It was tangible. It was all that he had worked for in order to provide for his family. It was all that he could leave behind on this earth. Her late husband was a man of honour.


And as the story unravels, it appears that it is this financial goldmine that allowed the romance of two high school sweethearts to blossom... for it offered the money needed to buy their home, to create savings, and for him to go to school in order build his dream career. For it appears that as soon as his career began to blossom, and his income tripled that of his wife, he began to plan his exit. And as if his own financial, educational, and professional gain was not enough, he now wants to take half of everything that remains (as he has already cleaned out the savings)... half of everything that does not even belong to him. What is most baffling is that, thanks to his wife (for she is still his wife) and the girl he called his daughter, he is now making a substantial income at a job that he adores. He does not need to financially ruin 'his wife' in the process. He does not need to force her to sell her home so as to satiate his material gain. He has enough.

The complete disrespect of this man taps into something profoundly sacred. Robbing 'his wife' of money that came from the hard work of the real father of her daughter. Money her late husband had built into an inheritance for his family.

Sadly, it now appears that this man has been carefully planning each detail of his escape for a long time. Every piece of the puzzle carefully thought out to reap the greatest financial benefits for himself; to feed his own selfish greed.


Through it all, there was hope that the law would protect the vulnerable party. That the job of the law would be to find justice in an unjust situation. The final blow hit below the waist. The law cannot correct our mistakes. It was a mistake to trust. It was a mistake to love unconditionally. The funds from the home should never have been entered into the marriage. To add salt to the wound, he had funds hidden that he never disclosed for the entire twelve years of marriage. Savings that he kept in his own pocket while living off of the financial support of his wife and reaping the benefits. It was 'his right' (according to the law). Obviously this was no surprise to him, he had been divorced twice before (he had convinced his audience that he had spent his life looking for his first love... that is why his previous two marriages failed... so what is his excuse this time??). He painted such a suave picture of himself,  no one saw through his facade. Even now, he has convinced his 'new family' (his new stage) of his innocence.

We are stronger than we think we are. We have courage that we do not recognize until we need it. 
We are equal to challenges that we haven't even imagined yet. ~ Peter Buffett

This is the broken love story of my mom and Julian. Even as I write it, I am unable to put into words so many of the details for they are far too surreal (and devastating)... they swim like venom through my veins as I digest the complete lack of human decency shown by this man. The betrayal will require time to heal the heartache inflicted by a man who I accepted like a father for the past twelve years. A man who left without a second glance. A man who now takes claim to the inheritance my own father worked so hard to create for me, for my mother. I continue to hope Julian finds his happiness. I simply wish that he could do it without financially destroying my mom. I still cannot believe he could just shut us (everyone) out without a second glance. Like we never existed. I have no idea how to explain this to my children; especially my oldest daughter who at four and a half still asks about "Dziadzia." I wish I could understand this in a way that allows me to continue to see this man in a positive light... but each time I try all I see is emptiness. I am sad. A sadness that touches me on so many levels it is hard to comprehend, and even harder to explain. All I can imagine is the profound pain that might exist in Julian's soul for him to be able to act with such callus and meticulous calculation... and for this i wish him healing. I know that everyone has their own story, and no doubt their own interpretation of the same story... perhaps one day I will understand more completely all of the details, but for now, I have been shut out of anything other than what I know here.

My mother has shown unbelievable strength, courage and grace as this process unfolds. A few months ago her heart was broken. The crack offered an opening and she allowed her heart to be filled with light. She became open to the opportunity that the universe was presenting to her. She found strength where it seemed none existed. She has faith in the future, no matter where it takes her. She is acting with honesty and integrity. Of course, she has some fear too... fear for her financial future. She is still working through the pain of this betrayal... of being left, of being lied to, of being humiliated. But she has faith, and she has love, and she continues to trust. This trust is stronger than the fear and anxiety. This is what we continue to cultivate so that our lives may be enriched by this journey.

You can find energizing moments in each aspect of your life, but to do so you must learn how to catch them, hold on to them, to feel the pull of their weight and allow yourself to follow where they lead. 

~ Marcus Buckingham

The date to 'officially' begin this process is set for July 13th, 2011. Coincidentally, this is also my father's birthday (he would have been 65). If nothing else, I have to believe in a miracle. The other week I had a dream I was in court. Julian sat on one side, my mother on the other. I am not sure if I was physically there, but I was present. The judge entered and took his seat. The proceedings began. At one point the judge looked at me. He winked and smiled his crooked smile. It was an expression I knew well. It was my father. Everything was going to work out just fine. Healing was coming. Enough was enough.

As I find the strength in me to hit the 'publish' key, I take action to speak what has been silenced, and to ask for help (not easy for me to do as i usually tend to keep things like this to myself)... from the universe, from my angels, from my friends. To hold faith with us on July 13th so that somehow the truth can be seen and the future made secure for my mom. I am putting my faith in the power of prayer, in the power of light, in the power of love. My goal is to embrace the possibilities, release the fear and anger, and find the opportunity for growth in this mad tale.

*********

"A new moon teaches gradualness and deliberation and how one gives birth to oneself slowly." ~ Rumi

I post this story as the New Moon enters our sky. Every New Moon, we have the opportunity to manifest a new beginning. When we come together with such an intention our efforts are enhanced.

I post this story so that others may help me unravel the mystery of it. I post this story because I believe in the power inside each one of us. I post this story as a call to create a positive force of change and opportunity together. I post this story with gratitude in my heart for all that enhances my life (my family, my friends, the world that keeps on turning) and gives me the courage to trust that no matter what happens... everything will be okay.

Everyday Yoga

For those of you who know me, you know I love (and am powerfully inspired by) yoga... sharing it, teaching it, practising it, living it, breathing it. Just 15-20 minutes of stretching combined with breath awareness can make a huge difference for your body, your mind and your spirit. As a mama of three little babes carving out time to connect with my body is especially challenging, and yet more important than ever as i try to parent on the fly in state of constant sleep deprivation. 

To help me stay on track, I have created a few tricks and strategies to keep yoga a part of my every day reality. The first is a very easy and quick sequence of nine poses that I have found stretch my body, deepen my breath, and help me to see more clearly through the fog of a typical day. The poses can be done all together as a sequence (in the order below, or mixed up as you wish). You can also just pick a pose or two or three as you feel inspired (or as your time allows)!! The poses below are my basic toolkit, and honestly i could not function without them.

I consciously try to take out a yoga mat and set aside 15 minutes to enjoy the postures (most often with my kids at my side, joining in and offering 'joyful' distraction). You can do most of the poses sitting in a chair, standing up, sitting down on the floor (with a baby next to you, in your arms, or on  your chest, as is so often my reality). You can engage older kids to join in with some clever visualization (my girls love it when we incorporate the 'funny' sounds into the breath sequences and talk about being balloons or snakes or lions). The poses are extremely versatile and very powerful. Before I begin a yoga session, I also try my best to set an intention for the practice... whatever it might be in that given moment: to become aware of my breath, to parent with grace and patience, to still my busy thoughts, to be...

For now, I am writing out the descriptions as best as I can... as soon as I have some free time, I will add in photos!!!

***
To begin move your body into a comfortable seated position (on the floor or on a chair), back straight, and relaxed. Become aware of your breath as it moves into your body with each inhale and releases into the world around you with each exhale... your breath carries your intentions, your worries, your body memory. Set it free and refuel yourself with fresh oxygen. Listen to the sound your breath makes as it dances in your body and into the air.

Pose #1: Jaw release with hari breath
This pose releases tension in the jaw and mouth; deepens your breath; and strengthen abdominal muscles.
Sit tall stretching out your back, chin slightly tucked in. Inhale deeply; as you exhale open your mouth as far as you can (without straining your jaw muscles) and make a "ha" sound. Engage your abdomen on each exhale. Close your mouth as you inhale, and continue to open with a 'ha' for each exhale. Repeat 9-11 times, opening your mouth wider while using less muscular effort each time.

Pose #2: Three movements of the neck (front-back, side-to-side, rolls)
This pose relieves tension stored in your neck and shoulders. 
Continue to sit tall, shifting your focus to your neck. Inhale deeply; as you exhale release your chin toward your chest. Take several breaths here paying particular attention to any bright spots you might feel in the back of your neck and letting them go with each exhale. On an inhale, bring your head back to center. Pause for a full breath.
Inhale deeply, and then on an exhale slowly tilt your head back (as far as is comfortable), and look up at the ceiling for several breaths. Be sure to keep your neck muscles engaged so that you do not strain your back and neck. Inhale your head back to center. Pause for a full breath.
Inhale filling up your belly and chest, extending your spine to sit as tall as you can. Exhale looking over your right shoulder. Pause for an inhale, then exhale as you slowly rotate your head to look over your left shoulder. Keep the neck straight and relaxed. Pause for an inhale, then exhale to look over the right shoulder. Continue this movement until you have looked to each side three to five times.

Pose #3: Chest and Heart Opener 
This pose stretches your chest and upper-back muscles, and improves your posture. 
Sit tall (in a chair or on the floor). Inhale your arms out to each side to shoulder height, palms facing up. Bend your elbows and interlace your hands behind your head. Tilt your head back slightly and let the weight of your head rest in your hands. Lift your spine and chest up toward the ceiling opening your heart. If you feel any discomfort, try to arch the uppermost portion of your spine slightly back, but keep your focus on lifting up your chest. Continue in this pose for about one minute, breathing in deeply and exhaling with an "s" sound (like a snake). With each inhale imagine your chest expanding as it fills with fresh oxygen, and your heart opening to endless possibilities. With each exhale feel all of the stale air release from your belly, lungs and throat like a balloon slowly emptying of helium.
To release, inhale deeply gently arching your upper back and expanding your chest as much as is comfortable. Exhale releasing your arms and shoulders, straightening your spine. Take a few deep, full breaths to feel the impact of this pose on your body.

Pose #4: Exaggerated Shoulder Shrugs 
This pose almost instantly gets rid of shoulder and neck tension. It also helps to lift the shoulder blades and collar bones up off the rib cage for better posture. 
Stand or sit with your spine tall. Inhale, then exhale deeply while making an "s" sound. As you inhale slowly lift your shoulders up toward your ears as high as they will go. Exhale with a 'ha' as you drop your shoulders. Inhale the shoulders up with deliberation. Exhale dropping your shoulder as you make a 'ha' sound. [Alternative: if you have any shoulder injuries, make your exhale more deliberate and pair with an "s" sound as you roll your shoulders back and down engaging your shoulder blades and opening your chest]. Repeat five to seven times. Pause for a few breaths with your eyes closed.

Pose #5: Gentle Spinal Twist
This pose gently massages your internal organs and stretches the muscles around your rib cage.
Sitting in a comfortable position (usually legs crossed). Inhale growing tall. Exhale bringing your right hand over to your left knee as you twist towards the left looking over your left shoulder. Inhale lengthening your spine, exhale to deepen the twist. You can place your left hand behind your back close to your sacrum. Take three to five breaths. To release inhale tall, then exhale slowly untwisting your spine back to centre. Take a full deep breath. Inhale growing tall. Exhale looking to the right over your shoulder allowing your body to twist to the right as you place your left hand on your right knee. Inhale to lengthen your spine, exhale to deepen the twist. Repeat for an equal number of times as on the opposite side. To release inhale tall, then exhale slowly untwisting your spine to neutral. Gently twist to the left for a counter-stretch. Return to centre. Pause for a few breaths as you grow more deeply aware of the gentle shifts happening in your body.

Pose #6: Standing Spinal Rolls 
This pose relieves lower-back aches and releases overworked back muscles; opens hip joints and helps ease sciatic pain; strengthens abdominals and inner thighs. It is one of my favourite full body stretches. If i only have time to do one pose... this is usually the one i choose.
Stand with feet slightly wider than hip-width apart, knees soft. Inhale letting your breath guide your arms out to the side and up toward the ceiling like wings. Exhale, swan dive forward hinging at your hips and releasing your arms and upper body toward the earth. Inhale looking forward raising your upper body half way up, lengthening your spine. Exhale to release forward draping your torso down toward your legs, knees soft; let your head and arms hang loose. Remain relaxed for two to three minutes, inhaling deep into your hips, exhaling with an "s" sound on each breath. When you are ready, roll up one vertebra at a time. Keeping your arms soft, your knees gently bent, your neck, head and shoulders the last to unroll into standing. Take a complete breath feeling in tune with your body. Begin again, inhaling arms up, folding forward, releasing your arms, hinging at the hips. Repeat three to five times.

Pose #7: Ceiling Reach 
This pose opens the chest and sides of the torso, releases stiffness from the back and neck, tones core muscles and lengthens the spine, creating more space in your abdomen. 
Stand with feet shoulder-width apart and arms by your sides. Slowly reach your right arm out to the side and up over your head (left arm stays by your side). Keep the neck long and your right shoulder blade down and back. Now bend sideways to the left and hold for three breaths. Lengthen with each inhale and deepen the fold with each exhale. Expand your chest breathing into the rib cage. Be careful not to crunch the left side (that you are currently bending towards). Inhale to lengthen, and exhale to return to vertical, reaching your right arm out to the side and back down. Take a full breath with both arms down, standing tall. Repeat with the left arm. Now slowly reach both arms out to the sides and up over your head, interlacing your fingers if you can, or simply reaching toward the ceiling. Keep your neck long and shoulder blades down and back. Reach your feet and legs down into the floor as your fingers and arms stretch up toward the sky. Stay for five breaths. Inhale tall, exhale release.

Pose #8: Full Body Twist
This pose reaches every muscle in your body to offer a fun, gentle full body release.
Place feet firmly on the ground a little more than hip width apart. Knees soft, tailbone tucked in, abdomen engaged, heart open, shoulders down from your ears, chin slightly tucked in, head tall, arms loosely hanging at either side of your body. Inhale expanding your body, on an exhale slowly begin to twist your body to the right, then to the left, keeping your arms loose. Allow your heels to lift off the floor, your knees to bend slightly, and your arms to swing freely from side to side as you increase your velocity and expand the twist over your entire body. For more intensity, close your eyes. Keep breathing. Continue for as long as you feel comfortable allowing your body to move to your own rhythm. When you are ready, slow down until you come back to a still position. Take a deep inhale filling up your entire body. Exhale with intention, releasing all the stale air that has been awoken with your movement.

Pose #9: Legs and Ankles... and lower back
This pose gently opens your hips, relieves tension in the lower back, gently massages the tummy, awakens the muscles in your ankles and feet, and stretches the hamstrings. 
Lie down on the floor with both legs straight. Bend one knee, inhale to hug your knee into your chest, drawing it in slowly and wrapping your arms around your shin. Breathe. Inhaling your knee toward your chest, exhaling to allow your back and shoulders to melt into the floor. Keep the pose for one to two minutes. Now flex the foot of your bent leg, hold it for 10 to 15 seconds, and release it back to a neutral position. Flex and release five times, then slowly lower the leg back down.
Repeat the same with your other leg.

***
When you finish a yoga sequence, it is important to set aside a moment to let your body integrate the world you have done. In a proper yoga class, this is when you do your final Savasana. For this series, I would still suggest a final pause before you leap up and move to the next task that needs to be done.
Lying on your back, inhale folding your legs into your chest, bending your knees. Wrap your arms around your shins with a warm hug lifting your head off the floor to curl your entire body into a little ball... scrunching up your face, and squeezing yourself as tightly as possible. On an exhale gently release allowing your legs and arms to fall gently toward the floor. Let your body completely surrender into a state of relaxation. Remain on the floor staying in tune with your breath, eyes closed for as long as you feel comfortable (5-10 minutes)... breathe in life, exhale all remaining stress.

When you are ready, slowly begin to wiggle fingers and toes. Stretch your arms up over your head. Bend your knees and allow them to fall to one side of your body, then to the other. Make whatever movements you are inspired to do. Slowly work your way up to seated position. Take a full breath... and get ready to embrace the next moment of your day with love, light, laughter and gratitude.

Namaste.

Happy Father's Day!!!

Father's Day has so many layers for me... the most abundant, and the one that completely engulfs me in gratitude, is the man who walks by my side in life and parenthood. A man I admire for his patience, his mind, his ability to be present, his incredible commitment and respect for others, his way of finding joy in everything, his love... for his children, for me, for his family.

Best Papa in the world!!!

The day is also a time I like to reflect for a moment on the man who is my father... and though he may not be physically present on this earth anymore, he is eternally present in my life. I find him in my mind on so many occasions... reminding me about this or that. In particular now, as I grow as a mama, I remember all that he did for me from the moment I arrived in his arms. He was a man fiercely devoted to his family and made us his number one priority with every single fibre in is body (my own husband reminds me of him in the way he honours us every single day). My father taught me about what it means to trust without reservation... for I could always count on him to be by my side, to honour his word, to tell the truth, to love me unconditionally. And while I remember him trying to balance wanting to keep me safe in a protective bubble so that no harm would ever touch me; he taught me not to live in fear myself. Perhaps it was because I could always trust him. He spent so much of his life working to provide for me and my mother... he lived his life so as to enrich ours. I still remember on the last night of his life, he was at home with us dancing in and out of dreams, communicating with us more in spirit than body. He talked about being on a boat, and another boat in the distance that was calling him (perhaps calling him to heaven). He explained that he was catching fish to fill the boat... so that there would be enough for us. I remember, as if it was yesterday, telling him we have enough... he had spent his life building a future for me. It is a gift I treasure with every thing that surrounds me... and all of the opportunities that unfold before me.

And now that I have a son, he too holds a place of honour on father's day... for it is now a celebration of the three most important men in my life... my father, my husband (the father of my children), and my son (who may one day have children of  his own... though i am not quite ready to go there yet!!!). It is also a moment to reflect on the amazing men who have touched my life... including my father in law, who is also a man of incredible integrity and calm. His light touches me in a way that deepens my connection to my own husband and my children. In some ways, he is a man of few words. Yet when he speak, and especially when he writes, it is a gift to be in the presence of his personal reflections and expression of how he sees the world around him unfolding. My husband also have four brothers, and each one of them hold qualities that shine amongst men. Each one of them truly unique in their personalities and talents. Each one a blessing in my life.

This year, it is also a day that gives me a silent pause, as I reflect on the man who claimed to be a father to me for the last 12-years. A man who has now deserted our family without a second glance... other than to try to claim all that my own father had worked so hard to build for us. It is an odd feeling to find out that what I believed about this man seems to be in shadow, and what is real makes no sense to me. But this is a story for another day. For as much as this tale brings me grief, today is not a day of sadness, it is a day of love. And for all that he might be trying to take away, there is a force that surrounds me and fuels me from the inside out. I am inspired to honour the men who live their life in honour, dignity, courage, truth, and grace. I am inspired to dwell in the possibility of magic and miracles as I look forward into the future. For life truly is beautiful. And as one good friend recently wrote to me: "when you realize that everything is perfect, you can tilt your head up to the sky and laugh with joy." So as I realize just how very perfect my husband, the father of my children, is in our life and the gratitude that overflows as I think of him... I tilt my head up to the sky and smile with gratitude. I suppose that in recognizing the 'not so pretty' sides of life, we are more deeply moved to embrace and celebrate the beautiful ones. 

Happy Father's day to all the fantabulous men out there who father from the heart... every single day.

Scrumptious scones

These fantastic scones are so easy to make... and literally disappear as soon as they are out of the oven. Add some fresh butter (or coconut oil), or sweet cream (for the dessert variety) and there is nothing more scrumptious on a rainy day. The recipe is one I acquired from my 'aunt-in-law' who is a positively AMAZING cook/baker and overall talented woman. Not only has she filled our kitchen with delicious treats from her personal recipe collection, she has also made dolls, blankets, outfits and sleeping bags for the kids... not to mention she was the creator of Joshua's linen wedding suit.

Cranberry Scone Edition

Ingredients:

2.25 cups all purpose flour (or any flour you wish to substitute)

2 Tbsp brown sugar (optional)

2.5 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup cold butter, cubed (can easily replace with coconut oil)

1/2 cup currants, berries, or raisins (use cheese for savoury variety; or your favourite nuts)

1 cup buttermilk (or yogourt)

1 egg slightly beaten (optional, this is just for the topping)

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Preheat oven to 425°F (220°C).

In a large bowl stir together flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and salt. Using a pastry blender cut in butter until you create coarse crumbs (if you don't own a pastry blender, just melt the butter and stir it in). Stir in the dried currants, raisins, or whatever you want to add (get creative with your favourite choices). If you are making savoury scones, omit the sugar and replace the currants with your favourite cheese (e.g.: cheddar, gouda).

Add buttermilk to the mixture all at once stirring with a fork to make soft and sticky dough.

With lightly floured hands press dough into a ball. On a lightly floured surface knead gently about 10 times. 

Roll the dough into small balls (about two tablespoons, or one ice-cream scoop, of dough per scone) and place on to a lightly greased cookie sheet.

Optional: brush the tops of the scones with the lightly beaten egg (this gives them a shine on top once baked).

Bake in preheated oven for about 12-15 minutes or until golden. Let cool on racks.

Delicious on their own, or enjoy with a favourite spread.

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A sweet little addition...
Since I posted this, many of you have asked for the sweet cream recipe which I now almost always serve with the scones. So here it is... oh so simple!!!

1 cup natural cream cheese
juice from 1/2 lime
1 tsp vanilla essence
4-5 Tbsp sugar (any variety you like, i usually use brown sugar, but you can replace with icing sugar)

Mix the cream cheese with a hand blender at medium to high speed. Add vanilla and lime juice, and blend for an additional few minutes. Add in the sugar, and blend until smooth.
You can add more sugar if you prefer a sweeter cream.
If you would like a fluffier version, blend the white of an egg until fluffy, and then fold into the cream cheese mixture to get a nice soft consistency. Enjoy!!!