Betrayed.

Everything is an illusion. ~ Julian Wassersztrum

This illusion is my reality. ~ Krystyna Schwartz

I can see clearly now... the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way...
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun shining day.

I have been struggling to find a way to express this story, this experience... to put into words something that I cannot seem to articulate... to comprehend behaviours that make no sense to me... to speak of truths that are muddled in lies. And as I try to find my voice, I get lost in my silence. A deep silence that has been interrupted by moments of pure emotion, a few words strung together into metaphors, and in the most safe of spaces some actual details shared and discussed. The raw energy that is my state of mind seems to be stuck in a space between reality and illusion.
I am stunned, confused, hurt, sad, betrayed. I feel as if stung by an elusive bee. I can feel the burn of the stinger setting into my skin, inflaming my flesh. Yet I do not know when it happened or how it got there. The bee is gone. My skin is swollen and raw from the invasion.
Despite the poison of the sting swimming through my body, I am kept present by the most beautiful distractions in the eyes of my children. Nothing numbs the pain more acutely than their smiles and their amazing ability to pull me away from my swirling thoughts into the magic of a beautiful, ordinary day.
I would like to believe that my silence is a way to give space to the wonderful aspects of my life, rather than dwell on the venom inflicted by a man who does not even have the decency to know his own grandchildren. Though that is only a half-truth, for even in my verbal silence, my mind still gives unrelenting space to trying to unravel the details: far more space than I care to admit.

I found the one whom my soul loves. ~ Song of Solomon 3:4

The story begins as a fairy tale. Two lovers reunite... high school sweethearts torn apart by circumstance of history, brought together by events that seem orchestrated by the hand of God. An airport reunion, a single white rose; everyone is swept away in the beauty of this moment. Less than a year later wedding bells make it official, and a new home unfolds together.

Is it naïve of me to believe that when one decides to marry, one also accepts the responsibility to care for and cherish their life partner? Perhaps this is a mere hope, yet it is one that shapes my thoughts about marriage. If not this, than why get married? No matter what faith or circumstance bonds two people together, the underlying foundation must be built on trust, hope and love. And so with this belief, two people I know and love began to build their life together. They shared all their known belongings, they supported each others dreams, they blossomed in each others arms.

From this day forward, you shall not walk alone.

My heart will be your shelter. And my arms will be your home.

~ Author unknown

She sold her home. She entrusted all of her funds into their mutual investments. She gave her heart freely. She gave her all. He went back to school. He followed his dreams. He began to build a new career. He created a new life. She supported him without reservation... financial or otherwise. They laughed together. They lived together. They loved together. They dreamed together. They held their future in the palm of their hands. They enjoyed the moment as it unfolded before their eyes. With the support of his bride his career blossomed. He was a success. There was one daughter (hers). He wanted to adopt her... yet she already had a father (perhaps in heaven, but he existed). The daughter got married, she had children of her own... their grand-children. His professional life flourished. She began to plan for retirement. They planned together. Life was good.

All is well... until you know differently.

Twelve years came and went, and everything seemed to shimmer in diamonds and gold. Until the shine began to wear off, and beneath the sparkle lay corruption and betrayal. A panicked email to her daughter: "I need your help. There is a personality conflict. Can you please talk to him?" The daughter speculated something at work. She was concerned about the situation, yet completely unaware of what was actually happening. She tried to call several times with no success. Two weeks later, the daughter receives an email dated on October 31, 2010 to let her know he is moving out on November 1, 2010. WHAT?!?! He has rented an apartment. He needs time to reflect, time to find himself. The daughter is in disbelief, yet understanding. She believes that everyone deserves happiness. She wants what is best for him. She believes he is telling the truth. The daughter offers her support. In her heart, she keeps a glimmer of hope. She asks that he is considerate given their current state of affairs. He gives his word. The daughter turns her attention to her own mother... knowing that this has likely devastated her world beyond belief. It has. The mother, the wife, the one left behind... she is heartbroken... literally. She is a mere shadow of herself, both physically and emotionally. Her entire world has been torn apart. The daughter offers unconditional love and a space of healing. The daughter holds faith that these two souls who seemed so perfectly matched may find their way back to each other.


And then, the truth begins to unfold. There is no time for reflection. There is another woman, a mutual friend with whom they shared dinners together. The desire to 'find himself' simply implied moving out of one woman's home into the arms of another... without any honesty in the process. The month he moves out, he buys a new Mercedes Benz for the new love of his life. He puts it in her name so as to conceal the money. Prior to this, he spent months withdrawing large portions of savings from the mutual accounts (of the woman he had claimed to love for over 12-years) and transferred them into his own name. 


He left his wife emotionally broken, and financially distressed. He walked out of her life, and into a new one in the same way he had arrived a decade earlier... cutting all ties, demonizing his past, and entering a new world as if it were a stage and he a mere actor with no emotions or conscience to bind him to his commitments. He did not even have the human decency to find out about the grand-child born just one month later to the girl he said he wanted to adopt as his own. His past no longer existed to him. As if this was not enough, he managed to prepare himself legally to hide all of his earnings (in a company her daughter encouraged him to set up) and to lay claim to half of everything that was left from their marriage. Suddenly, this was not just about finding happiness. The conversation moved into the realm of money, consumption, and greed. Had he been planning this all along? Was this all an illusion?


He entered the marriage with nothing. He left his old life behind with just the shirt on his back (or so he claimed). Financially, she offered everything. A home inherited from her previous husband who died far too young. Financial security her late husband had left for his wife and his daughter. Her late husband had always said he wanted this to be for their future. It was tangible. It was all that he had worked for in order to provide for his family. It was all that he could leave behind on this earth. Her late husband was a man of honour.


And as the story unravels, it appears that it is this financial goldmine that allowed the romance of two high school sweethearts to blossom... for it offered the money needed to buy their home, to create savings, and for him to go to school in order build his dream career. For it appears that as soon as his career began to blossom, and his income tripled that of his wife, he began to plan his exit. And as if his own financial, educational, and professional gain was not enough, he now wants to take half of everything that remains (as he has already cleaned out the savings)... half of everything that does not even belong to him. What is most baffling is that, thanks to his wife (for she is still his wife) and the girl he called his daughter, he is now making a substantial income at a job that he adores. He does not need to financially ruin 'his wife' in the process. He does not need to force her to sell her home so as to satiate his material gain. He has enough.

The complete disrespect of this man taps into something profoundly sacred. Robbing 'his wife' of money that came from the hard work of the real father of her daughter. Money her late husband had built into an inheritance for his family.

Sadly, it now appears that this man has been carefully planning each detail of his escape for a long time. Every piece of the puzzle carefully thought out to reap the greatest financial benefits for himself; to feed his own selfish greed.


Through it all, there was hope that the law would protect the vulnerable party. That the job of the law would be to find justice in an unjust situation. The final blow hit below the waist. The law cannot correct our mistakes. It was a mistake to trust. It was a mistake to love unconditionally. The funds from the home should never have been entered into the marriage. To add salt to the wound, he had funds hidden that he never disclosed for the entire twelve years of marriage. Savings that he kept in his own pocket while living off of the financial support of his wife and reaping the benefits. It was 'his right' (according to the law). Obviously this was no surprise to him, he had been divorced twice before (he had convinced his audience that he had spent his life looking for his first love... that is why his previous two marriages failed... so what is his excuse this time??). He painted such a suave picture of himself,  no one saw through his facade. Even now, he has convinced his 'new family' (his new stage) of his innocence.

We are stronger than we think we are. We have courage that we do not recognize until we need it. 
We are equal to challenges that we haven't even imagined yet. ~ Peter Buffett

This is the broken love story of my mom and Julian. Even as I write it, I am unable to put into words so many of the details for they are far too surreal (and devastating)... they swim like venom through my veins as I digest the complete lack of human decency shown by this man. The betrayal will require time to heal the heartache inflicted by a man who I accepted like a father for the past twelve years. A man who left without a second glance. A man who now takes claim to the inheritance my own father worked so hard to create for me, for my mother. I continue to hope Julian finds his happiness. I simply wish that he could do it without financially destroying my mom. I still cannot believe he could just shut us (everyone) out without a second glance. Like we never existed. I have no idea how to explain this to my children; especially my oldest daughter who at four and a half still asks about "Dziadzia." I wish I could understand this in a way that allows me to continue to see this man in a positive light... but each time I try all I see is emptiness. I am sad. A sadness that touches me on so many levels it is hard to comprehend, and even harder to explain. All I can imagine is the profound pain that might exist in Julian's soul for him to be able to act with such callus and meticulous calculation... and for this i wish him healing. I know that everyone has their own story, and no doubt their own interpretation of the same story... perhaps one day I will understand more completely all of the details, but for now, I have been shut out of anything other than what I know here.

My mother has shown unbelievable strength, courage and grace as this process unfolds. A few months ago her heart was broken. The crack offered an opening and she allowed her heart to be filled with light. She became open to the opportunity that the universe was presenting to her. She found strength where it seemed none existed. She has faith in the future, no matter where it takes her. She is acting with honesty and integrity. Of course, she has some fear too... fear for her financial future. She is still working through the pain of this betrayal... of being left, of being lied to, of being humiliated. But she has faith, and she has love, and she continues to trust. This trust is stronger than the fear and anxiety. This is what we continue to cultivate so that our lives may be enriched by this journey.

You can find energizing moments in each aspect of your life, but to do so you must learn how to catch them, hold on to them, to feel the pull of their weight and allow yourself to follow where they lead. 

~ Marcus Buckingham

The date to 'officially' begin this process is set for July 13th, 2011. Coincidentally, this is also my father's birthday (he would have been 65). If nothing else, I have to believe in a miracle. The other week I had a dream I was in court. Julian sat on one side, my mother on the other. I am not sure if I was physically there, but I was present. The judge entered and took his seat. The proceedings began. At one point the judge looked at me. He winked and smiled his crooked smile. It was an expression I knew well. It was my father. Everything was going to work out just fine. Healing was coming. Enough was enough.

As I find the strength in me to hit the 'publish' key, I take action to speak what has been silenced, and to ask for help (not easy for me to do as i usually tend to keep things like this to myself)... from the universe, from my angels, from my friends. To hold faith with us on July 13th so that somehow the truth can be seen and the future made secure for my mom. I am putting my faith in the power of prayer, in the power of light, in the power of love. My goal is to embrace the possibilities, release the fear and anger, and find the opportunity for growth in this mad tale.

*********

"A new moon teaches gradualness and deliberation and how one gives birth to oneself slowly." ~ Rumi

I post this story as the New Moon enters our sky. Every New Moon, we have the opportunity to manifest a new beginning. When we come together with such an intention our efforts are enhanced.

I post this story so that others may help me unravel the mystery of it. I post this story because I believe in the power inside each one of us. I post this story as a call to create a positive force of change and opportunity together. I post this story with gratitude in my heart for all that enhances my life (my family, my friends, the world that keeps on turning) and gives me the courage to trust that no matter what happens... everything will be okay.