happy holidays

our christmas tree... piled high with beautiful gifts from our friends near and far. thank you for these amazing presents... and above all for your presence in our lives. we are so very blessed.

whether celebrating kwanzaa, hanukkah, christmas or simply ringing in 2010... there is something magical about this time of year. there is a warmth in the air (or perhaps that's just cuz we don't have snow here in Bogota). No, i really do believe that if we can escape the commerce of it all, there is something that happens this time of year which opens our hearts... we are more willing to be patient, to forgive, to open our hearts. And as we anticipate the dawning of a new year we are eager to make amends and commit to resolutions. For me this opening is quite special and I relish the generosity that pours out (sometimes from the most unlikely sources). In our home, there is definitely a sense of Christmas-time... and now with two little girls the idea of gifts and giving has taken on a whole new meaning. For weeks I was asking Isabel what she wants for Christmas, and her answer was always the same: "A little angel baby for Anaïs, but it must be soft to snuggle." Finally, she came up with her wish: bunk beds... to get ready for when her sister is old enough to move into her room. Yesterday the bunk beds arrived and Isabel was jumping for joy. And so were we waking up this morning to find that Isabel slept from 8pm until 7am this morning with no wake-ups... for our alert little girl that is a record!! We are now convinced these beds really have come from Santa Claus and are sprinkled with fairy dust... and we are hopeful it does not wear off after the first night of purchase.

Isabel also enjoyed packing gifts... which was not always easy to accomodate when I tried to get everything done. Yet, as always, she forced me to slow down... so the wrapping was not always pretty or perfect... it was done with love and laughter. I am amazed at how often I forget this very simple message. I will begin running around and trying to 'get everything done'... and throughout the process I will have a little helper at my feet eager to offer her support each step fo the way... and at times instead of stopping and engaging her enthusiasm, I distract her with other things so that I can get 'my stuff' done more quickly. And when I pause, and reflect for a moment, I feel sad with my own choice... for I have missed an opportunity to share in the magic of the season. The lesson at that moment is clear... with each new day there is a new chance to do things differently. No matter what choices we made yesterday, we can make a fresh choice today and tomorrow. That feeling, that lesson is a part of the magic of this season for me. Looking forward with anticipation.

a day of firsts...

Anaïs flying high with a big smile

Today Isabel ate cotton candy for the first time with her good friend Morwyn at Andres Carne de Res restaurant in Chia (just outside of Bogota). In the evening after Anaïs went to sleep the rest of us all watched the first 30-minutes of mary poppins together (a first for Isabel). Having mastered crawling and tired of walking around attached to mama/papa, Anaïs is now practicing walking. She does so with a lot of hand movement (perhaps thinking that if she 'flaps her arms like a bird' that will somehow help her walk) and very wobbly knees thus usually ending up falling on her bum or forward into a crawl (or mama's arms or the bed...and occasionally a harder surface). Anaïs now boasts four teeth, but not in the expected order, making for a very cute and lop-sided smile as she waits for the third top tooth to come out and balance out the large front tooth and smaller side tooth already filling her mouth. As the girls move through the various stages of their development the old saying that 'time flies' becomes very clear in my mind. I am amazed at how quickly the phases pass by, and yet at times the days seem neverending. I am not sure how that can be so... when something difficult appears on our path and I feel overwhelmed or uncertain it feels as if the challenge stretches out into days when only a few moments have passed. And then as I reflect on the many changes I am at times almost surprised that before me stand a three year old and ten month old. I am, as always, reminded of how precious each moment is... and how fruitless the feelings of doubt, fear and frustration are that often creep into my mind and my heart. Even in the most difficult moments there is a ray of light and a sparkle of hope... and it always passes by in a flash, so long as we let it go. As Anaïs takes her first steps and begins to form words; I see her walking into the world with passion, determination and enthusiasm - for this is how she approaches each task - and laughter in her soul. As Isabel watches her first movie, enjoys tasty sweets, gets her face painted and dances with her friends, I see her embracing the world with an open, tender heart and a charming disposition that lights up a room. And in the moments when I am frustrated with the unending series of what seem to be constantly repeating questions, or the on-going nightly wake-ups and false-starts to sleepyland... I am also inspired to remember that healthy doses of laughter and patience can help to keep even the most difficult situation in perspective.

Isabel & Morwyn getting ready to dance at Andres (restaurant in Chia)

friends always welcome

my dear, dear friend Ania and her partner John came to visit us for a few days this week... what a joy it was to have them here!! Their visit was a blessing in so many ways that I am short on words to express the extent of gratitude I feel for their presence. Upon arrival they showered us all with gifts... spoiling both girls with beautiful outfits and toys that matched their hearts desires. Isabel now proudly owns a beautiful medical bag which she carries around to visit all her 'patients' (the many dolls and stuffed toys around the house). Ania & John bravely explored various parts of the city, made friends along the way, and never once let our cautionary tales slow them down from seeing something new. Their excitement and eagerness to wander into new areas was refreshing, and I loved hearing their stories at the end of each day... about delicious meals, people they met, and new things they wanted to see tomorrow. They approached each day with a sense of wonder that I am used to seeing only in my own children. In the evenings I felt totally spoiled to share tea (or wine) and warm conversation with them both... laughing about old memories, dreaming about the future, analyzing the way we do things, sharing stories about our daily lives. The time passed by far too quickly than I expected as I craved more chats with my dear friend. When they left I was filled with boundless gratitude for the time they gave us... it was the greatest gift I could have hoped for, at a time when I needed it more than I even realized. To have in my home a friend who 'knows my heart'... a friend I do not need to explain things to or build bridges with... a friend with whom I can be totally transparent... and just be. At their parting I was also left with a sense of emptiness... realizing with full force just how much I miss my friends, my family, my sounding board, my thermometer of reason. The gratitude far outweighs the emptiness... and it is a strong reminder of the things that matter most.

Thank you Ania & John... above all for sharing your time and for making our home feel more like home with your presence. What a gift you have given to me, to the girls, to our family.

forgiveness

Today, Isabel taught me about the strength, simplicity and ease of forgiveness... in a way that only a three year old could. I have found our re-adjustment to life in Colombia much more difficult than I had expected... I guess being home with family/friends this summer was a reminder of the community of support that we have... and especially as a stay-at-home-mom, it is much more difficult ot find that same kind of connectivity in a 'far away land'. I am slowly easing into our life and finding a small network of women with shared views on life, parenting and everyday escapades. This is certainly helping; and doing it for what feels like the 'second time around' I remember how time helps me settle into this new reality. However, the challenges of creating a 'home away from home' have further emphasized the pitfalls (and joys) brought about along the journey of motherhood and having two young children demanding my all. The girls seem to both give me my biggest highs, and also at times drain more energy and patience than I think I am capable of offering. Yet, in the end, it is always a lesson... an opportunity for growth, and expansion of love. And this morning was no exception... I found myself losing my patience with Isabel as she demanded more and more attention at a moment when I was trying to focus on nursing Anais. When suddenly the counting stopped worked and my breathing seemed to come to a halt and my patience was left behind in the dust somewhere between reason and emotion. In this moment, it was me acting like an immature two year old wanting everything to be as I wanted, rather than simply as it was. As the tone of my voice shifted and my tolerance seemed to disappear, I saw my temperament reflect back at me through the eyes of my three year old daughter as her smile dropped and her face expressed sadness. She ran out of the room without a word. I was able to feed Anais and settle her to sleep (so, i guess i got what i wanted - i gained some sense of control over the situation), but my heart felt heavy and I knew that I could have handled that differently. As soon as I put Anais in her crib I walked over to Isabel's room... she looked at me still with a hint of sadness. It told her I was sorry... I didn't really know what else to say cuz an explanation seemed meaningless and pointless. She acknowledged my apology with a hug and said: "It's okay mama. We can work on being patient together." She paused, and then looked at me again: "Do you want to play?" And with that, she moved on. No harboured emotions, no lengthy explanations. It was simply a bad moment, a lack of judgement... but it was over. The feelings were acknowledged and now we could move on and be in the moment again. Forgiveness... pure, simple, clear.

thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving (of the Canadian variety) to everyone... near and far. This year I am deeply grateful for so many things in my life... above all my amazing family... my beautiful girls and my wonderful husband. I continually find myself in awe at how my girls inspire me to grow... and even more at how they shower me with pure unconditional love... for no reason other than because i am their mama. I have done nothing to earn their trust and yet they shower me with adoration without reservation. It is a constant lesson in love... in its simplicity and abundance. The support of my husband... it is like a blanket, a foundation that rests beneath my feet, a knowledge that this support will always be there no matter where the world might take us, an assurance that home is exactly where we are so long as we are together. I am thankful for my friends and family... those who are far away and know my heart intimately. Thank you for showering me with your words (by email or letters), for the beautiful packages sent in the mail that are like a warm hug, for knowing me even across the miles and thus allowing me to remember myself. And for the friends who are near... being here in this home away from home, sharing ideas and experiences, coming up with new yoga poses, bringing laughter into my life with your presence. This thanksgiving, I am thankful for love, for joy, for peace, for belly laughs. I am thankful for life.

strength...

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

My guess is that few mothers would disagree that the change which takes place in the early years of motherhood is challenging... sprinkled with doubts, fears, hesitation, uncertainty, sheer (and almost unexpected) exhaustion, and also layered with a love so intense it can topple you over. At times, the intensity of it all can be so overwhelming I am not sure whether to laugh or cry... though as often as possible I try to choose to laugh (so much more empowering). I am certain that the journey continues to be filled with its ups and downs... as life itself. Yet, there is something remarkably life-changing in these early years. It is as if an existential shift occurs (or at least there is an opportunity for one) as we move from being an individual, to becoming a parent. All of a sudden there is another being who is fully and completely dependant on us, and the pact we make to be their parent creates a full time job with no coffee/tea breaks.

For me, this shift has been life altering in so many ways; and at the same time, it feels as if it has simply been a journey to finding myself. At first I found myself resisting the changes - not always in the obvious ways of resistance, but often in the second-guessing and insecurities of my actions. I would find myself constantly feeling as I needed to defend my choices. And as I reflect back on the last few years, I realise that this has simply been a lesson to finding my own courage and my own confidence. Before being a mom, I would often doubt my ability to do things, second guess my decisions, and far too often defer to a person I placed in some spotlight of authority (whether real or fictitious). Yet, when facing another human being who is here solely because of the fact that I wished her to be on this earth as my child... all of the external rules/guidelines and expertise faded away. All that mattered was the wisdom in this child (and now children)... the wisdom with which they seem to be born... inherent in their being. And despite this truth, the path was not easy, and continues to have pot-holes and gravel along the way.

There continue to be so many moments when I feel lost and wonder how a certain day, night, hour, or instant of time will pass as I deal with sleeplessness, tenacity, curiousity, fear, joy, tears... all coming from one amazing three year old and another exceptional seven-month old. I wonder how I will find a 'balance' in all the expectations coming from inside and outside of my family and of me. I search of answers and guides; and sometimes I stumble with excuses for not being engaged in this or that. And then there are the moments of stillness... looking in the eyes of my children as they share a giggle with each other, watching them sleeping peacefully, seeing the sheer joy on their faces inspired by something totally ordinary that suddenly takes on an extraordinary meaning... and I realise that my strength comes from them. The more time I spend with my children and with my family, the closer I come to the truth of who I am. It is a journey based in love and it is not always easy. But it is worth each step, and every single stumble. And as I walk it, they teach me to be present, to be mindful, to be grateful, to be joyful, to be curious, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be loving, to be honest... and above all, simply to be.

So yes, motherhood is hard... the lack of sleep alone is enough to want to reverse gears; the shift from doing 'whatever we want' to simply enjoying what is; the desire to control replaced by the reality of letting go and letting things flow; the transformation is profound and the lessons are huge. And we all find our way, and the things that seem so difficult at any given moment pass and get replaced with new things... our memories of the challenges fade and the magic grows.

For me, the moments when I feel most vulnerable, the moments when I feel most alone, the moments when I feel I can't go on... they seem to pass immediately the instant i release my expectations and become engaged in what is... the fastest way to getting there is being with my girls.

dia del amor y la amistad

So, the reality is that the last couple of months have been filled with ups and downs... perhaps even the last year. Moments of total loss and confusion. They have also been fully lived with everydays that make up the majority of my memories. Yet, when I reflect honestly I can admit that the transition to our 'new life' in Bogota was not an easy one. The learning curve was steep -- especially for me and for Isabel in those early months. And what caused me the most strife is not at all what I expected... I suppose that is part of why it was most difficult, because it challenged my expectations. Letting go and letting flow is much easier in theory than in practice... trusting that all will be well when it feels like things are in turmoil is a mighty difficult order. We know it to be true; but living it is a whole other matter. And the irony is the more we focus on the challenges the more they seem to 'challenge us'.

I still remember how hard it was for me to 'get used to' having someone coming to our house to clean, cook, laundry, iron, etc. In theory this should have felt like such a blessing. Yet in reality it left me feeling totally out of place in my own home. Obviously I relished in the opportunity to be with Isabel rather than take care of the chores... but I also felt totally out of sync in my own reality. I had always been used to doing everything. At the same time, I slowly felt myself losing control over my surroundings... being in a new culture, country, city, community, home... and so was desperate to regain it in the things I knew - like managing the details of my house. I was surprised to find how annoyed and critical I felt of the way things were being done... not because they were not done right, just differently... and I realise now that I was up to my ears with 'different'. In retrospect I can hardly believe that I actually felt burdened by our housekeeper... yet it was something tangible to 'hold on to' during a time of huge change.

The other piece that shocked me was just how hard the transition was for Isabel. Looking at her now you'd never know she had a fear in the world... she is easy going and happy to be wherever life takes her. But when we first arrived, we went through months of sleepless nights/days, tears, nightmares, shyness and so on... all expressions of her displacement. All I remember was hearing how easy it is for kids... and then when it wasn't easy, I did not know what to do. I felt totally unprepared. So, I did the only thing I know how to do... I loved, I listened, I accepted, and I trusted her, thus allowing her to take the lead on the journey. The investment of time has paid off a thousand-fold as I watch her totally at ease and full of joy in her new home. I realise now that one of the things that was most difficult for Isabel was not being able to communicate with anyone around her... even friends she met at the park. Of course, it all seems ancient history now, and in the big picture kids really to adjust so quickly. She is now speaking fluent Spanish with perfect conjugations while I still struggle to ask someone how their day is going and then actually try to understand the response!! But even though the time of adjustment can be shorter, the intensity of it is just as real and difficult... even for a two year old.

As I look back, I definitely can admit that I hit a low-point in my personal transition at the very end of 2008, with New Year's Eve being the most challenging day/night for me. And then, like magic, I remember a shift... the winds changed and a new light seemed to give me strength from within. There were still hard days, but it's as if they were fading into the background and the breauty was able to flow. It still was not always easy... and things again got difficult when Anaïs was about two months... unexpected troubles with breastfeeding and a turn for worse sleeping habits emerging. And then, just as it seemed like I was getting used to our life here we went home... and then all of a sudden I felt at odds with everything all over again.

About half-way through our trip to Canada I started to feel totally lost and unsettled... not to mention exhausted!! It was nothing in particular, and yet everything all at once. The littlest thing could tip me over and I felt my patience completely depleted. And perhaps the worst of it was my own inability to identify what was causing my discomfort. Then of course we came back to our home in Bogota and it felt like nothing was lining up as it should... everything piled up into one big ball of frustration.

Thankfully, I continued to find strength in the moments shared with my family... but as the time went on I felt less myself and more lost. I kept trying to hold on to some kind of a cause... a reason for my discomfort.

And then, I found hope... I realized that I don't need to find a reason. I realised that I did not need to analyse the details. I realised that I could just 'let go'. Oh, scary as it might seem... all of a sudden there was nothing left to control. For it did not matter... it would pass... it always does.

In the meantime, there is nothing that needs to be fixed or changed... just a moment to be, and a time to learn... perhaps learn to be.

today is the dia del amor y la amistad (colombian 'valentine's/friendship day')... and we enjoyed a magical day as a family doing absolutely nothing... this is my hope and this is my serenity... it is my courage and it is my strength.

Along with the friends and family both near and far who offer support in so many beautiful ways... sometimes even when they don't realize it. And yet I always find a little fortune in the most unexpected sources.

So, today, on this day of love and friendship... i am grateful for all of those who fill my world with love and friendship...