strength...

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

My guess is that few mothers would disagree that the change which takes place in the early years of motherhood is challenging... sprinkled with doubts, fears, hesitation, uncertainty, sheer (and almost unexpected) exhaustion, and also layered with a love so intense it can topple you over. At times, the intensity of it all can be so overwhelming I am not sure whether to laugh or cry... though as often as possible I try to choose to laugh (so much more empowering). I am certain that the journey continues to be filled with its ups and downs... as life itself. Yet, there is something remarkably life-changing in these early years. It is as if an existential shift occurs (or at least there is an opportunity for one) as we move from being an individual, to becoming a parent. All of a sudden there is another being who is fully and completely dependant on us, and the pact we make to be their parent creates a full time job with no coffee/tea breaks.

For me, this shift has been life altering in so many ways; and at the same time, it feels as if it has simply been a journey to finding myself. At first I found myself resisting the changes - not always in the obvious ways of resistance, but often in the second-guessing and insecurities of my actions. I would find myself constantly feeling as I needed to defend my choices. And as I reflect back on the last few years, I realise that this has simply been a lesson to finding my own courage and my own confidence. Before being a mom, I would often doubt my ability to do things, second guess my decisions, and far too often defer to a person I placed in some spotlight of authority (whether real or fictitious). Yet, when facing another human being who is here solely because of the fact that I wished her to be on this earth as my child... all of the external rules/guidelines and expertise faded away. All that mattered was the wisdom in this child (and now children)... the wisdom with which they seem to be born... inherent in their being. And despite this truth, the path was not easy, and continues to have pot-holes and gravel along the way.

There continue to be so many moments when I feel lost and wonder how a certain day, night, hour, or instant of time will pass as I deal with sleeplessness, tenacity, curiousity, fear, joy, tears... all coming from one amazing three year old and another exceptional seven-month old. I wonder how I will find a 'balance' in all the expectations coming from inside and outside of my family and of me. I search of answers and guides; and sometimes I stumble with excuses for not being engaged in this or that. And then there are the moments of stillness... looking in the eyes of my children as they share a giggle with each other, watching them sleeping peacefully, seeing the sheer joy on their faces inspired by something totally ordinary that suddenly takes on an extraordinary meaning... and I realise that my strength comes from them. The more time I spend with my children and with my family, the closer I come to the truth of who I am. It is a journey based in love and it is not always easy. But it is worth each step, and every single stumble. And as I walk it, they teach me to be present, to be mindful, to be grateful, to be joyful, to be curious, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be loving, to be honest... and above all, simply to be.

So yes, motherhood is hard... the lack of sleep alone is enough to want to reverse gears; the shift from doing 'whatever we want' to simply enjoying what is; the desire to control replaced by the reality of letting go and letting things flow; the transformation is profound and the lessons are huge. And we all find our way, and the things that seem so difficult at any given moment pass and get replaced with new things... our memories of the challenges fade and the magic grows.

For me, the moments when I feel most vulnerable, the moments when I feel most alone, the moments when I feel I can't go on... they seem to pass immediately the instant i release my expectations and become engaged in what is... the fastest way to getting there is being with my girls.