dia del amor y la amistad

So, the reality is that the last couple of months have been filled with ups and downs... perhaps even the last year. Moments of total loss and confusion. They have also been fully lived with everydays that make up the majority of my memories. Yet, when I reflect honestly I can admit that the transition to our 'new life' in Bogota was not an easy one. The learning curve was steep -- especially for me and for Isabel in those early months. And what caused me the most strife is not at all what I expected... I suppose that is part of why it was most difficult, because it challenged my expectations. Letting go and letting flow is much easier in theory than in practice... trusting that all will be well when it feels like things are in turmoil is a mighty difficult order. We know it to be true; but living it is a whole other matter. And the irony is the more we focus on the challenges the more they seem to 'challenge us'.

I still remember how hard it was for me to 'get used to' having someone coming to our house to clean, cook, laundry, iron, etc. In theory this should have felt like such a blessing. Yet in reality it left me feeling totally out of place in my own home. Obviously I relished in the opportunity to be with Isabel rather than take care of the chores... but I also felt totally out of sync in my own reality. I had always been used to doing everything. At the same time, I slowly felt myself losing control over my surroundings... being in a new culture, country, city, community, home... and so was desperate to regain it in the things I knew - like managing the details of my house. I was surprised to find how annoyed and critical I felt of the way things were being done... not because they were not done right, just differently... and I realise now that I was up to my ears with 'different'. In retrospect I can hardly believe that I actually felt burdened by our housekeeper... yet it was something tangible to 'hold on to' during a time of huge change.

The other piece that shocked me was just how hard the transition was for Isabel. Looking at her now you'd never know she had a fear in the world... she is easy going and happy to be wherever life takes her. But when we first arrived, we went through months of sleepless nights/days, tears, nightmares, shyness and so on... all expressions of her displacement. All I remember was hearing how easy it is for kids... and then when it wasn't easy, I did not know what to do. I felt totally unprepared. So, I did the only thing I know how to do... I loved, I listened, I accepted, and I trusted her, thus allowing her to take the lead on the journey. The investment of time has paid off a thousand-fold as I watch her totally at ease and full of joy in her new home. I realise now that one of the things that was most difficult for Isabel was not being able to communicate with anyone around her... even friends she met at the park. Of course, it all seems ancient history now, and in the big picture kids really to adjust so quickly. She is now speaking fluent Spanish with perfect conjugations while I still struggle to ask someone how their day is going and then actually try to understand the response!! But even though the time of adjustment can be shorter, the intensity of it is just as real and difficult... even for a two year old.

As I look back, I definitely can admit that I hit a low-point in my personal transition at the very end of 2008, with New Year's Eve being the most challenging day/night for me. And then, like magic, I remember a shift... the winds changed and a new light seemed to give me strength from within. There were still hard days, but it's as if they were fading into the background and the breauty was able to flow. It still was not always easy... and things again got difficult when Anaïs was about two months... unexpected troubles with breastfeeding and a turn for worse sleeping habits emerging. And then, just as it seemed like I was getting used to our life here we went home... and then all of a sudden I felt at odds with everything all over again.

About half-way through our trip to Canada I started to feel totally lost and unsettled... not to mention exhausted!! It was nothing in particular, and yet everything all at once. The littlest thing could tip me over and I felt my patience completely depleted. And perhaps the worst of it was my own inability to identify what was causing my discomfort. Then of course we came back to our home in Bogota and it felt like nothing was lining up as it should... everything piled up into one big ball of frustration.

Thankfully, I continued to find strength in the moments shared with my family... but as the time went on I felt less myself and more lost. I kept trying to hold on to some kind of a cause... a reason for my discomfort.

And then, I found hope... I realized that I don't need to find a reason. I realised that I did not need to analyse the details. I realised that I could just 'let go'. Oh, scary as it might seem... all of a sudden there was nothing left to control. For it did not matter... it would pass... it always does.

In the meantime, there is nothing that needs to be fixed or changed... just a moment to be, and a time to learn... perhaps learn to be.

today is the dia del amor y la amistad (colombian 'valentine's/friendship day')... and we enjoyed a magical day as a family doing absolutely nothing... this is my hope and this is my serenity... it is my courage and it is my strength.

Along with the friends and family both near and far who offer support in so many beautiful ways... sometimes even when they don't realize it. And yet I always find a little fortune in the most unexpected sources.

So, today, on this day of love and friendship... i am grateful for all of those who fill my world with love and friendship...