friends always welcome

my dear, dear friend Ania and her partner John came to visit us for a few days this week... what a joy it was to have them here!! Their visit was a blessing in so many ways that I am short on words to express the extent of gratitude I feel for their presence. Upon arrival they showered us all with gifts... spoiling both girls with beautiful outfits and toys that matched their hearts desires. Isabel now proudly owns a beautiful medical bag which she carries around to visit all her 'patients' (the many dolls and stuffed toys around the house). Ania & John bravely explored various parts of the city, made friends along the way, and never once let our cautionary tales slow them down from seeing something new. Their excitement and eagerness to wander into new areas was refreshing, and I loved hearing their stories at the end of each day... about delicious meals, people they met, and new things they wanted to see tomorrow. They approached each day with a sense of wonder that I am used to seeing only in my own children. In the evenings I felt totally spoiled to share tea (or wine) and warm conversation with them both... laughing about old memories, dreaming about the future, analyzing the way we do things, sharing stories about our daily lives. The time passed by far too quickly than I expected as I craved more chats with my dear friend. When they left I was filled with boundless gratitude for the time they gave us... it was the greatest gift I could have hoped for, at a time when I needed it more than I even realized. To have in my home a friend who 'knows my heart'... a friend I do not need to explain things to or build bridges with... a friend with whom I can be totally transparent... and just be. At their parting I was also left with a sense of emptiness... realizing with full force just how much I miss my friends, my family, my sounding board, my thermometer of reason. The gratitude far outweighs the emptiness... and it is a strong reminder of the things that matter most.

Thank you Ania & John... above all for sharing your time and for making our home feel more like home with your presence. What a gift you have given to me, to the girls, to our family.

forgiveness

Today, Isabel taught me about the strength, simplicity and ease of forgiveness... in a way that only a three year old could. I have found our re-adjustment to life in Colombia much more difficult than I had expected... I guess being home with family/friends this summer was a reminder of the community of support that we have... and especially as a stay-at-home-mom, it is much more difficult ot find that same kind of connectivity in a 'far away land'. I am slowly easing into our life and finding a small network of women with shared views on life, parenting and everyday escapades. This is certainly helping; and doing it for what feels like the 'second time around' I remember how time helps me settle into this new reality. However, the challenges of creating a 'home away from home' have further emphasized the pitfalls (and joys) brought about along the journey of motherhood and having two young children demanding my all. The girls seem to both give me my biggest highs, and also at times drain more energy and patience than I think I am capable of offering. Yet, in the end, it is always a lesson... an opportunity for growth, and expansion of love. And this morning was no exception... I found myself losing my patience with Isabel as she demanded more and more attention at a moment when I was trying to focus on nursing Anais. When suddenly the counting stopped worked and my breathing seemed to come to a halt and my patience was left behind in the dust somewhere between reason and emotion. In this moment, it was me acting like an immature two year old wanting everything to be as I wanted, rather than simply as it was. As the tone of my voice shifted and my tolerance seemed to disappear, I saw my temperament reflect back at me through the eyes of my three year old daughter as her smile dropped and her face expressed sadness. She ran out of the room without a word. I was able to feed Anais and settle her to sleep (so, i guess i got what i wanted - i gained some sense of control over the situation), but my heart felt heavy and I knew that I could have handled that differently. As soon as I put Anais in her crib I walked over to Isabel's room... she looked at me still with a hint of sadness. It told her I was sorry... I didn't really know what else to say cuz an explanation seemed meaningless and pointless. She acknowledged my apology with a hug and said: "It's okay mama. We can work on being patient together." She paused, and then looked at me again: "Do you want to play?" And with that, she moved on. No harboured emotions, no lengthy explanations. It was simply a bad moment, a lack of judgement... but it was over. The feelings were acknowledged and now we could move on and be in the moment again. Forgiveness... pure, simple, clear.

thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving (of the Canadian variety) to everyone... near and far. This year I am deeply grateful for so many things in my life... above all my amazing family... my beautiful girls and my wonderful husband. I continually find myself in awe at how my girls inspire me to grow... and even more at how they shower me with pure unconditional love... for no reason other than because i am their mama. I have done nothing to earn their trust and yet they shower me with adoration without reservation. It is a constant lesson in love... in its simplicity and abundance. The support of my husband... it is like a blanket, a foundation that rests beneath my feet, a knowledge that this support will always be there no matter where the world might take us, an assurance that home is exactly where we are so long as we are together. I am thankful for my friends and family... those who are far away and know my heart intimately. Thank you for showering me with your words (by email or letters), for the beautiful packages sent in the mail that are like a warm hug, for knowing me even across the miles and thus allowing me to remember myself. And for the friends who are near... being here in this home away from home, sharing ideas and experiences, coming up with new yoga poses, bringing laughter into my life with your presence. This thanksgiving, I am thankful for love, for joy, for peace, for belly laughs. I am thankful for life.

strength...

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

My guess is that few mothers would disagree that the change which takes place in the early years of motherhood is challenging... sprinkled with doubts, fears, hesitation, uncertainty, sheer (and almost unexpected) exhaustion, and also layered with a love so intense it can topple you over. At times, the intensity of it all can be so overwhelming I am not sure whether to laugh or cry... though as often as possible I try to choose to laugh (so much more empowering). I am certain that the journey continues to be filled with its ups and downs... as life itself. Yet, there is something remarkably life-changing in these early years. It is as if an existential shift occurs (or at least there is an opportunity for one) as we move from being an individual, to becoming a parent. All of a sudden there is another being who is fully and completely dependant on us, and the pact we make to be their parent creates a full time job with no coffee/tea breaks.

For me, this shift has been life altering in so many ways; and at the same time, it feels as if it has simply been a journey to finding myself. At first I found myself resisting the changes - not always in the obvious ways of resistance, but often in the second-guessing and insecurities of my actions. I would find myself constantly feeling as I needed to defend my choices. And as I reflect back on the last few years, I realise that this has simply been a lesson to finding my own courage and my own confidence. Before being a mom, I would often doubt my ability to do things, second guess my decisions, and far too often defer to a person I placed in some spotlight of authority (whether real or fictitious). Yet, when facing another human being who is here solely because of the fact that I wished her to be on this earth as my child... all of the external rules/guidelines and expertise faded away. All that mattered was the wisdom in this child (and now children)... the wisdom with which they seem to be born... inherent in their being. And despite this truth, the path was not easy, and continues to have pot-holes and gravel along the way.

There continue to be so many moments when I feel lost and wonder how a certain day, night, hour, or instant of time will pass as I deal with sleeplessness, tenacity, curiousity, fear, joy, tears... all coming from one amazing three year old and another exceptional seven-month old. I wonder how I will find a 'balance' in all the expectations coming from inside and outside of my family and of me. I search of answers and guides; and sometimes I stumble with excuses for not being engaged in this or that. And then there are the moments of stillness... looking in the eyes of my children as they share a giggle with each other, watching them sleeping peacefully, seeing the sheer joy on their faces inspired by something totally ordinary that suddenly takes on an extraordinary meaning... and I realise that my strength comes from them. The more time I spend with my children and with my family, the closer I come to the truth of who I am. It is a journey based in love and it is not always easy. But it is worth each step, and every single stumble. And as I walk it, they teach me to be present, to be mindful, to be grateful, to be joyful, to be curious, to be patient, to be compassionate, to be loving, to be honest... and above all, simply to be.

So yes, motherhood is hard... the lack of sleep alone is enough to want to reverse gears; the shift from doing 'whatever we want' to simply enjoying what is; the desire to control replaced by the reality of letting go and letting things flow; the transformation is profound and the lessons are huge. And we all find our way, and the things that seem so difficult at any given moment pass and get replaced with new things... our memories of the challenges fade and the magic grows.

For me, the moments when I feel most vulnerable, the moments when I feel most alone, the moments when I feel I can't go on... they seem to pass immediately the instant i release my expectations and become engaged in what is... the fastest way to getting there is being with my girls.

dia del amor y la amistad

So, the reality is that the last couple of months have been filled with ups and downs... perhaps even the last year. Moments of total loss and confusion. They have also been fully lived with everydays that make up the majority of my memories. Yet, when I reflect honestly I can admit that the transition to our 'new life' in Bogota was not an easy one. The learning curve was steep -- especially for me and for Isabel in those early months. And what caused me the most strife is not at all what I expected... I suppose that is part of why it was most difficult, because it challenged my expectations. Letting go and letting flow is much easier in theory than in practice... trusting that all will be well when it feels like things are in turmoil is a mighty difficult order. We know it to be true; but living it is a whole other matter. And the irony is the more we focus on the challenges the more they seem to 'challenge us'.

I still remember how hard it was for me to 'get used to' having someone coming to our house to clean, cook, laundry, iron, etc. In theory this should have felt like such a blessing. Yet in reality it left me feeling totally out of place in my own home. Obviously I relished in the opportunity to be with Isabel rather than take care of the chores... but I also felt totally out of sync in my own reality. I had always been used to doing everything. At the same time, I slowly felt myself losing control over my surroundings... being in a new culture, country, city, community, home... and so was desperate to regain it in the things I knew - like managing the details of my house. I was surprised to find how annoyed and critical I felt of the way things were being done... not because they were not done right, just differently... and I realise now that I was up to my ears with 'different'. In retrospect I can hardly believe that I actually felt burdened by our housekeeper... yet it was something tangible to 'hold on to' during a time of huge change.

The other piece that shocked me was just how hard the transition was for Isabel. Looking at her now you'd never know she had a fear in the world... she is easy going and happy to be wherever life takes her. But when we first arrived, we went through months of sleepless nights/days, tears, nightmares, shyness and so on... all expressions of her displacement. All I remember was hearing how easy it is for kids... and then when it wasn't easy, I did not know what to do. I felt totally unprepared. So, I did the only thing I know how to do... I loved, I listened, I accepted, and I trusted her, thus allowing her to take the lead on the journey. The investment of time has paid off a thousand-fold as I watch her totally at ease and full of joy in her new home. I realise now that one of the things that was most difficult for Isabel was not being able to communicate with anyone around her... even friends she met at the park. Of course, it all seems ancient history now, and in the big picture kids really to adjust so quickly. She is now speaking fluent Spanish with perfect conjugations while I still struggle to ask someone how their day is going and then actually try to understand the response!! But even though the time of adjustment can be shorter, the intensity of it is just as real and difficult... even for a two year old.

As I look back, I definitely can admit that I hit a low-point in my personal transition at the very end of 2008, with New Year's Eve being the most challenging day/night for me. And then, like magic, I remember a shift... the winds changed and a new light seemed to give me strength from within. There were still hard days, but it's as if they were fading into the background and the breauty was able to flow. It still was not always easy... and things again got difficult when Anaïs was about two months... unexpected troubles with breastfeeding and a turn for worse sleeping habits emerging. And then, just as it seemed like I was getting used to our life here we went home... and then all of a sudden I felt at odds with everything all over again.

About half-way through our trip to Canada I started to feel totally lost and unsettled... not to mention exhausted!! It was nothing in particular, and yet everything all at once. The littlest thing could tip me over and I felt my patience completely depleted. And perhaps the worst of it was my own inability to identify what was causing my discomfort. Then of course we came back to our home in Bogota and it felt like nothing was lining up as it should... everything piled up into one big ball of frustration.

Thankfully, I continued to find strength in the moments shared with my family... but as the time went on I felt less myself and more lost. I kept trying to hold on to some kind of a cause... a reason for my discomfort.

And then, I found hope... I realized that I don't need to find a reason. I realised that I did not need to analyse the details. I realised that I could just 'let go'. Oh, scary as it might seem... all of a sudden there was nothing left to control. For it did not matter... it would pass... it always does.

In the meantime, there is nothing that needs to be fixed or changed... just a moment to be, and a time to learn... perhaps learn to be.

today is the dia del amor y la amistad (colombian 'valentine's/friendship day')... and we enjoyed a magical day as a family doing absolutely nothing... this is my hope and this is my serenity... it is my courage and it is my strength.

Along with the friends and family both near and far who offer support in so many beautiful ways... sometimes even when they don't realize it. And yet I always find a little fortune in the most unexpected sources.

So, today, on this day of love and friendship... i am grateful for all of those who fill my world with love and friendship...

Three years old today!!!

Isabel could hardly sleep all night... waking up frequently to ask "am i three (flee) yet?"

It was hard to get frustrated at the lack of sleep when she was so positively adorable. She came running into our bedroom singing "happy birthday to me" as soon as the sun came out. We spent a bit of time cuddling in bed, and then opened a couple of presents. At 7am, our friend Noëlla came by to drop off a beautiful box of treats for Isabel and give the birthday girl a hug. She even brought chocolates which Isabel first put aside, and then decided she wanted one for breakfast... who can blame her?!?!

After a real breakfast Isabel picked out a pretty outfit, said 'bye' to papa and then was ready to 'run' off to school. She is having so much fun... and when she arrived at Malaquita she was greeted with hugs and smiles and all the kids sang feliz compleaños (first in Spanish, then in English). We went to pick Isabel up at lunch and she was jumping with sheer joy... but also exhausted. Lunch and a nap... and then papa came home early so we could have birthday cake together... and of course some more gifts. We will be having a birthday party on Saturday morning to celebrate with more of Isabel's friends and look forward to the fun!!

Anaïs was also happy to be celebrating the day, but she could not quite understand what all the fuss was about... until, of course, the birthday cake came out and she eagerly wanted to eat some too!!! Thanks to all of you for the beautiful messages (and gifts) sent to Isabel today. It is amazing to watch our little girl grow... she is so amazing!!! When she was saying goodnight to her sister she also wanted Anaïs to know that she will be an even better big sister as she gets older.

As she was going to bed she talked all about her fun day... and we ended the day opening a new playmobil set from Nana -- Isabel was so happy. It's incredible to reflect on these last few years and embrace all the changes. Isabel has challenged us to grow in ways that we never even expected... at times pushing us to our limits, but always inspiring us to be better parents and better people. Happy birthday big girl!! We love you!!!

Spoiled...

There is no question that establishing a 'home' abroad is riddled with challenges and many moments of isolation and loneliness. It is also full of opportunities for profound growth and opening of gateways that we never even knew existed. Over the last year that we have been living in Bogota I have felt my emotions travel across so many peaks and valleys -- sometimes I am surprised at the shifts my mood can take as I work through the transitions. I suppose being a mama of two young children adds yet another layer of complexity to this experience... along with the lack of sleep that seems to go hand-in-hand with parenthood (at least for us). To be certain, the exhaustion does take its toll and likely makes the intensity of the emotions even stronger than they might be with a well rested mind and body. But the truth is that being away from family and friends, and all that we know is not easy. Suddenly, the network that is our family unit becomes a much stronger source of support (and at times tension) -- for there is so much pressure placed upon the connection between each person in the unit. The broader community upon which we rely in our 'homeland' is no longer within easy reach... and while emails and phone calls are a necessity to get by, they cannot always make up for the void of physical contact and just 'knowing' that you can have a face to face visit if you need/want to.

The biggest learning for me was watching how powerful the displacement is upon young children. I can still hear the echos of the phrase: "kids adjust so easily" ringing in my mind. It seemed it was all I heard prior to our departure. And then when we arrived in Colombia I was shocked to find just how hard the move was for Isabel -- she was just about to turn two. Thankfully she was a wonderful communicator and we were able to talk about the changes, and we found the words and the space to express her thoughts and her feelings, to give names to the experience. To be honest, the first three months were more difficult than I could have imagined... and during that time I found myself completely distanced from my own experience as I focused on making this transition as smooth as possible for Isabel (all the while Anaïs was growing in my belly). One year later, as Isabel approaches her third birthday I find myself completely in awe of the ease with which she has engaged into her new life. And even more, following a wonderful (emotional and exhausting) visit 'home' to Canada I was amazed at how gracefully she embraced her 'old life' -- eager to play with the people she had not seen for nearly a year, happy to see 'our house'. And, upon our return, moving without fear into our home here in Colombia. To reflect on the experience of this last year for Isabel fills me with so much wonder that it is hard to describe. She lived each moment of this passage fully and completely -- the pain, the tears, the losses, the openings, the joys, the new opportunities -- she faced (and embraced) each experience and she blossomed.

Above all, she continues to teach me the importance of communication and trusting my own instinct above any external advice that might come my way. As an example, for a year I've dealt with the 'pressure' of putting Isabel into daycare, and simultaneously her clear expression that she was not ready to go by herself. Fine with me... i love having her at home. Then, a day or two after we returned from Canada she decided she wants to go to school. And so, she if off... three mornings a week. There are no tears, no struggles, no long good-byes. She owns her experience and she loves it. She runs into our room in the morning (on a school day) all dressed and excited that it is a "Malaquita" day (the name of her school). And when I pick her up she can't stop talking about all the fun things she got to do at school.

It also allows me precious moments with Anaïs in the mornings... and now as she is about to turn seven months I am amazed at just how important these tender times together are for us. And, of course, I cannot help but be a proud mama. The day we got back from Canada Anaïs showed us she was doing some growing up of her own... that day she decided to start sitting on her own and has not looked back. It was so funny to watch the shift from one day to the next. All of a sudden. She also took this change as a queue to officially start pooping only on the potty. No grey areas anymore, she is very clear... making a effective raspberry sound each time she needs to use the potty and then smiling as she sits proudly in front of the mirror. She also makes sure I know she is not done yet if I suggest picking her up to soon with a brow furrow followed by more raspberries. And, even though we engaged in 'elimination communication' with Isabel... I am still shocked at how easily Anaïs can communicate her needs already. Of course, her big sister is not surprised at all and takes it all as a matter of fact. After all, why would Anaïs poop anywhere other than the potty (makes sense, i suppose)?!?

With all of these developmental changes, along with the fact that Anaïs is desperately trying to crawl putting her body into the most creative yoga poses imaginable and walking with intent while holding on to my fingers, sleep has become a thing of the past. Alas, being that this is my second child I am far less phased by this... I am not one for sleep training (though sometimes, in those weak moments of total exhaustion, I am totally jealous of those who have the willpower). So, I do my best to accept this phase. For I know it will pass... it did with Isabel (though I suspect it will be a totally different experience with Anaïs). And, to be honest, as fully engaging and exhausting as the early years of parenting are... they pass so quickly. As I watch Isabel eagerly rush off to school with hardly a backward glance, I am reminded that these moments will pass... and so I do my best to enjoy the snuggles of Anaïs in our bed, the rocking and the lengths of time it takes to get her to fall asleep (only to hear her wake up again not to long later). It is what it is... and I am grateful for the gift and magic of their presence in our lives... even if it does temporarily deprive us of sleep.

And, why all this reflection today... for it's been a year that we have been here in Bogota, and it is marked by my birthday. And a I watch with amazement the magic of my girls, I am also filled with gratitude for the community we have built here. To celebrate I was spoiled with 100 roses (chosen by Isabel and her papa), a lovely massage, and then an afternoon shared with good friends. I was overcome with a feeling of calm and beauty as I looked at the beautiful women who have filled my life here in Bogota, and as I look forward to creating more memories with them. And so today, on my birthday, i feel totally and completely spoiled... spoiled by the love of my family, spoiled by the profound beauty of my girls, spoiled by the incredible friends who encircle us from afar, spoiled by the amazing community that surrounds us here, spoiled by our extended family who love us to bits, spoiled by the man who shares in these joys, spoiled by the laughter that fills our halls, spoiled by the people who showered me with affection today (and everyday), spoiled by the knowledge that this moment is just what it is right now... and it is perfect in its imperfections... and it too shall pass. Spoiled to be alive.